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Original poster

He's hesitant about committing to a mortgage with me after years

118 replies

Melindamessenger1 · 26/11/2023 17:20

Lived together for 3 years and together for nearly 4, renting. He's mentioned wanting to own a home many times, not necessarily with me but just wanting to not have to pay rent and to have a place to call your own.
We're in the North and only looking at modest properties, i.e 90k max. We've got enough for a 5% deposit and also have enough for shared ownership schemes we've looked at.
We currently pay £1050 for all rent, utilities and CT so frankly a mortgage would probably be cheaper and for a bigger home.
I started talking earlier about making an appointment on Monday and he started to show hesitation, saying, ahh I just don't know, it's such a huge thing to think about, I just really don't know.
The other issue is area. We could get a lot more for our money in another area but he will not budge. He said he'd move within a 5 mile radius roughly but that's it.
Another issue is a pet. I've wanted a cat for a while, I've owned cats before and I wouldn't even expect him to look after it, but he won't have any sort of pet. I even suggested a goldfish but he wasn't keen.
I ended up telling him I feel that nothing is ever on my terms and he said he's sorry. I also feel sad that even after several years of living together he's clearly hesitant to enter into a mortgage with me.

OP posts:
margotrose · 26/11/2023 17:56

You don't sound very compatible so I think getting a mortgage together would be incredibly stupid, to be quite honest.

Original poster
Melindamessenger1 · 26/11/2023 17:56

I was actually more into renting than him, but I would do it for him. He was always talking about wanting a house that's the the sudden hesitation makes me wonder.

OP posts:
Original poster
Melindamessenger1 · 26/11/2023 17:57

It's the reason we don't have kids yet because he sees his job as not good enough. I do understand of course and can't force him, but we have 49k joint salary, good maternity package, family support.

OP posts:
DeedlessIndeed · 26/11/2023 17:59

That's great that you know him well enough before you end up committed in a joint mortgage or children etc.

Now you need to use that information and make a decision. We know that he is very unlikely to change, as unfair as that may feel.

So, do you:

  • Stay with him, understanding that he wont compromise, so you will have to for the majority of the relationship.
OR
  • Start putting your own plans in place and move on, realising that perhaps you just aren't fully compatible.
Whiskerson · 26/11/2023 18:00

Melindamessenger1 · 26/11/2023 17:57

It's the reason we don't have kids yet because he sees his job as not good enough. I do understand of course and can't force him, but we have 49k joint salary, good maternity package, family support.

For something as important as having kids, are you truly ok with "I understand, can't force him" on an indefinite basis? It sounds like you really need to talk to him about what you really want from life, and when and whether that is actually going to happen with him.

DeedlessIndeed · 26/11/2023 18:01

Just seen your update about children. Do you feel he's actually committed OP?

This sounds horrible but some men will keep stringing someone along that they consider "good enough for now", just long enough until the find the one that's "good enough to commit to".

LakieLady · 26/11/2023 18:03

HellonHeels · 26/11/2023 17:31

Look in the cheaper location and do it on your own.

Then get 2 cats, they're better company than a man who doesn't want to share with you and who wants everything his own way.

This!

He's not prepared to enter into that much of a commitment now, and possibly never will be. And unless he has an allergy or a phobia, refusing to share his living space with a cat is a bit shit, when you want a pet so much.

I'd be questioning his commitment to the relationship in those circumstances, tbh.

Eddielizzard · 26/11/2023 18:05

You don't have the same outlook. He doesn't want to buy with you. It must hurt, but better to face it, accept that he won't compromise and decide whether you're happy to always compromise.

senua · 26/11/2023 18:06

He seems to like his comfort zone and have no drive. He talks about a house (talk is cheap) but has an excuse for everything: can't afford this area, scared of a mortgage, must delay DC.
In 20 years' time you'll look back and think "where did my life go?"

Duckling89 · 26/11/2023 18:07

How old are you OP?

Please don’t start trying for a baby with this man, he sounds non-committal at best. His hesitation at wanting to move the relationship forward would be major red flags to me. At least I would be having a serious conversation with him to understand if we are on the same page. Depending on how old you are, I would be having this chat sooner not later so you have time to start again if you need to.

EdgarsTale · 26/11/2023 18:07

Mortgages & pets are scary words for some men because they mean “commitment.” I think you need to see what he’s telling you. He doesn't want to commit. I’d prepare to go it alone.

zurala · 26/11/2023 18:13

Is this the life you want? Personally I'd break up with him and have the life I wanted. He sounds difficult and commitment-shy. Not attractive attributes.

Toolongtohols · 26/11/2023 18:14

This doesn’t sound great OP - no mortgage and no kids sounds like he doesn’t want the ties . I would suggest you have a frank discussion . Maybe it’s because it happens a lot on MN but you do sound like a convenient housemate

Original poster
Melindamessenger1 · 26/11/2023 18:15

Thank you. I'm 32, few months off 33.

OP posts:
Startingagainandagain · 26/11/2023 18:19

He is showing you that he doesn't want any long term commitment with you.

After 4 years you should know where your relationship is heading.

Don't waste your time waiting for him and move on. Buy your own place and leave him to his indecision...

I just read your update about your age. He is wasting your time.

Lucytheloose · 26/11/2023 18:19

It's not really fair to get a cat unless everyone in the household is happy with that decision. Which is yet another good reason to have your own accommodation. You might be pleasantly surprised at what you can afford on your own salary, especially if you are flexible about where you buy.

titchy · 26/11/2023 18:22

Melindamessenger1 · 26/11/2023 18:15

Thank you. I'm 32, few months off 33.

Oh God. Another woman sacrificing her fertility for a bloke who doesn't want a future with her. Sad

ThankYoufortheDay · 26/11/2023 18:23

It sounds like you don’t have a lot of choice but to try to buy a place of your own. No point hanging around for several more years.

Chowtime · 26/11/2023 18:23

What are your thoughts on marriage?

Cas112 · 26/11/2023 18:24

He doesn't want to commit OP, it should tell you everything

ThankYoufortheDay · 26/11/2023 18:24

There are lots of similar threads on here at the moment for some reason with the woman partner ready to settle down and buy a home and have children and the man stalling and putting it off as long as possible.

Toolongtohols · 26/11/2023 18:25

Also just read the update about your age . Make sure you don’t have a joint account with him and that you’ve got your own deposit ready . Have a serious look into what you can achieve alone .

Once you know then I would get a lot more pushy about moving forward buying together and see what happens

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/11/2023 18:27

Melindamessenger1 · 26/11/2023 17:56

I was actually more into renting than him, but I would do it for him. He was always talking about wanting a house that's the the sudden hesitation makes me wonder.

FFS - you really are not listening, are you? It 'makes you wonder'? It should be doing a hell sight more than that, it should be waking you up to the situation you have sleepwalked into.

I'll be blunt.

He's not that into you.

He's able to save hundreds a month because he has you to split the bills with.

He has no intention of committing to you.

There will be no children, no pets, no joint mortgage. Ever.

You are wasting your fertile years on this poor excuse of a man.

And when you "ended up telling him I feel that nothing is ever on my terms and he said he's sorry" - he wasn't sorry about everything being on his terms. He was sorry you finally noticed.

Spend some time deciding what you want from your life. And then start arranging things to make it happen. Right now, he's nothing but an obstacle to your future, cock-blocking you from finding a partner who will want what you want.

Whattodowithit88 · 26/11/2023 18:28

You’re not his one, he doesn’t see a future with you. You’re ok for now, but not to have kids and get a house with.

This man is wasting your time, his just a boyfriend, don’t sacrifice so much for some guy.

NeedToChangeName · 26/11/2023 18:29

No-one should settle down and marry, buy a house and / or have children unless they really want to.

He doesn't seen keen to buy a house with you. And that's fine. But you need to think what YOU want (and don't settle)

Good luck