To tell DH that MIL has got me a Christmas present i will have to get rid of?

[haribosmarties]

Or does that seem ungrateful? Its only a low cost item. Should I just pretend to like it?
DH told me the ILs were asking about gifts for us so I told him a brand of toiletries I like of which you can buy various gift sets between a tenner and twenty quid.
I borrowed DH phone whilst we were out and as I was using it a txt message came in from MIL saying she had forgotten what he'd said and just bought a Dove body set for me and would that be ok?
I handed back the phone to my DH without mentioning seeing the message.
Issue is I have eczema and altho its not severe it does flair up with random things.. Dove shower cream, soap and body wash are amongst those things. Ive tried using them before.

So now I dont know whether just to pretend to like the gift when I open it or to tell my DH that I saw the text and its not suitable.
I know these seems like a petty issue but my relationship with MIL has never been great... I mean we've never actively fallen out... but basically she doesnt like me anyway I can tell, and we have very little to do with each other.. I get the sense she thinks I'm high maintenance.. saying something about this gift might add to that.
My DH won't have any advice, he'd probably just tell her to change the gift because interpersonal dynamics go over his head quite often unless people are actively shouting at each other. He also hasnt mentioned the text to me which makes me think he's just replied 'that's fine' and forgotten about it

YANBU= just tell your husband to answer the text saying its not ok and she should change it for something else

YABU = dont say anything. It doesnt really matter, just give it away to someone.

Yes I know I probably should have said something as soon as I saw the text but I just didn't. I struggle with being thought of as difficult so my first response to anything like that is to freeze and then think about it carefully.

Can you tell your husband to remind his mother that you have ezcema so can only use certain toiletries and then he could remind her of the brands you can use

This is why as grown ups we don't buy gifts for adults in our family anymore. Mutually agreed and all are delighted. Who needs to spend money unnecessarily, shop till you drop, get boxes, ribbons, paper and end up with a full recycling bin, an empty wallet and a massive headache anyway.

I know some love this gift exchange mullarkey, but really? for grown ups? I suppose it's each to their own.

OP just accept with thanks. Say nothing and move on.

jist Say thanks and donate to charity. Every single year my MIL gets me some absurd hosting gifts, she says it’s for when ppl come round. However, I’m an introvert and never ever have guests round so all her gifts are in the garage still BNIB. She’s been doing this for the past 6 years lol I smile and say thanks

So if he doesn’t know you have eczema, I’m assuming that MIL doesn’t know you have it either then?!

Honestly, it’s so ridiculous that grown women are actually moaning about being given a body set they don’t like!

This! I can't understand all the drama - people have been quietly getting on with doing this forever.

I've psoriasis and this is my policy , which I implemented because my own mother would keep buying them for me 🙄 now everyone is told please do not buy me toiletries

I would accept, then pass it on to a food bank or refuge, or homeless shelter.

Get DH to repeatedly but subtly mention you have eczema. Hopefully it'll sink in to her subconscious and she won't buy it again.

Agree with PP, I only buy gifts for our kids now. Adults are too much of a faff.

A family member once bought me a wooden key holder for the wall featuring a painted Native American in a feather headress (!) on it and my husband's and my name burnt into the wood panel (!!). Neither of us are very interested in Native American history or culture (the gifter was), and were baffled by it. We kept it until the following spring then we chucked it out. I can't imagine anyone wanting a key holder with two random people's name on it.

Just appreciate the gesture and regift. Don't mention it.

Basic polite manners for both adults and children is to gratefully accept a gift and say thank you even if it’s something you don’t particularly like. I thought that’s what everyone did 🤷‍♀️

Is this seriously a dilemma? Its Adobe body set. Open it,, say thank you, use it, throw it away or give it to someone else. The end.

I have to disagree with accepting and giving away. That just sets up a pattern of mil continuing to waste money on gifts not ysed and thrown/given away. Wouldn't she appreciate knowing an appropriate gift to give? I'd probably send text myself from dh's phone: sorry mum, she won't use it. She has x. Keep or return it so it doesn't go to waste. It's best to buy her x if you want to buy her something.

@Jitterybugs it's just crazy that adults can't say in advance that something is unsuitable.
Not "unwanted" not something you just "don't like" but completely and utterly unsuitable.
The OP cannot use Dove due to medical reasons - it not that she just doesn't want it.

So she has specifically text your husband to see if it's ok?
Well then that's an invitation to say no it isn't suitable surely!
I would agree just regifting the item if she hadn't specifically asked the question. But she has so he should answer her honestly.

I really don't get why people can't just be straight with one another about these things! Why do we fall over backwards in the name of being polite and just end us seeming rude! Just be honest with her and tell her a suitable brand or an alternative.

Accept the gift graciously, there's no need to make a giver feel shitty.

Food banks always need toiletries.

Why do you even need to ask? are you trying to cause a rift?

Just say thanks and re-gift it. Absolutely not worth hassle. Also, as your preferred option retails between £10 and £20 for a gift set and Dove gift sets are usually under a tenner clearly MIL has no intention in splashing out the extra cash for your gift even if she had remembered (she may even have forgotten on purpose as the Dove was more than her price point or on a 3 for2 deal). Perhaps suggest skipping the gifts next year to avoid waste.

I would normally say just accept it and pass it on to someone else, but with it being something that can affect your skin I would tell DH to explain, because otherwise you may have the same problem every Christmas and birthday from now on.

Can I second gifting this to a women's shelter and could I also ask anyone else who gets smellies that they do not like at Christmas, just say "Lovely and thank you" and the pass them on to a women's shelter. Imagine having to up sticks and leave with the bare minimum, a new gift set and time alone in the bathroom would be a great, simple pleasure as you re-start your life. It is a small gesture but it makes a huge difference.

This.

I have eczema too..dry skin and cant use those gift sets...but ive had a lot over the years...i regift them or give them foodbank for adults as Xmas present

Id get her a dove gift set in return tbh lol...x

i think you should accept it on the day and pretend you love it and then in a couple of weeks bring up that you’ve used it but that unfortunately your eczema has flared up really bad with it so it must contain one of the ingredients you’re allergic to.
say although it’s a lovely fragrance/brand please can she make sure to avoid buying you the same brand in future as you won’t be able to use it.
If you don’t tell her that you’re allergic at some point then you might run the risk of getting another at every occasion but for now Mrs not worth the aggro of her somehow maybe thinking you’re ungrateful x

@howdoesyourgardengrowinmay why do people think it would cause "a rift" ?
Some people might prefer to be told the truth rather than wasting their money year after year. Just imagine in 20 years time and talking about Christmas with MIL and someone mentions "all those toiletries you bought over the years that got send straight to the food banks" and MIL will be all "What? Why did no one tell me. I thought you liked them? Why on earth didn't you say something?"

This is why we have a no present policy in our family. Christmas presents are for children to excitedly open not for adults to grump about the price or thoughtless gifts. My kids are all adults now and I love to lay on a good day for them, food, drinks etc and I do not expect gifts. We do a little secret Santa organised by DD under her suggestion and as no children in family yet that’s it. My parents and PILs don’t want or need anything but are always welcome and do take up our hospitality and always provide drink or food as do my adult children. We all get involved in the secret Santa and if a present is crap we don’t say anything and just accept it graciously and maybe donate or regift as after all we’ve all only bought one present and not loads.

How come you have the password for your husband's phone? Use your phone for your messages!

I'd give the Dove set to charity.

If she bought it in Boots or Superdrug, just take it in and exchange it.

Presumably she's asking because she wants to get something you like and can use. There's a month to go until Christmas so I don't really see the problem with telling the truth. She wouldn't have asked if she didn't want the answer surely?