Husband left kids alone at home

[OhDamnYourEyes]

I just came back home after a night out with friends, which was arranged a week ago. Husband was going to be home with the kids (8 & 11), put them to bed etc.

Yesterday he asked what time I was likely to be back, as a friend had asked him to go out for a drink. I said that I wasn’t sure, but not until fairly late. As a joke I said ‘you won’t just go out and leave them, will you’ and he laughted and said ‘of course not’.

Fast forward to tonight, I come home at 23:45, kids asleep, he’s not here. When I call him, he’s at his friends house (ca. 15 mins away) for a drink.

We had recently discussed starting to leave them home alone for short periods every now and then, and once went out together to a birthday nearby from 8-10.30pm (we couldn’t get a babysitter and gave them a phone to call us if they needed to). I did however say that I feel they are actually a bit to young for this, and that while I think it’s ok to go to the shops for an hour in the daytime and leave them, I don’t feel comfortable doing so at night.

I had a massive go at him over the phone, told him that he’s irresponsible and that I don’t want to see him. What would you do?

My 11 and 8 years old are definitely not allowed to go out and play without supervision in the big wide world! My 11 year old does walk to and from school but it’s 5 mins up the road and there is a group of 7/8 of them that all walk together. I wouldn’t let her walk on her own or in the dark.

You're as bad as he is for doing the same previously.

Too late for the moral high ground!

You'd think from this thread that people's homes set on fire frequently!

But no, they're way too young and your dh was extremely irresponsible

So it's fine to do it when both of you are out not just you ?

They are too young to be left alone especially with you both being out in the drink.

Ages aside, the reason for leaving them alone (in both cases) should trigger alarm bells. You both sound utterly immature. Grow up, get a grip on your alcohol/socialising and parent properly.

That being said - this is precisely why I felt that Madeleine McCanns parents should have been sent to prison.

Well you husband has now made sure you can't go out without the children hasn't he?!

I don't think the op is returning to the thread now.

Why the hell is everyone having a go at OP for. You do absolutely need to get out when you have young kids or you'd go mad - she had agreed with her husband that it was his turn to look after them but instead he left them on their own!!!
He is the only irresponsible parent here. He had been left in charge of the kids and he chose to go out leaving them on their own.
He is a useless waste of space and OP will never trust him again which is great for him as he knows she will never trust him to look after them again.

11 & 8 are too young to be left alone, especially at night.

If you feel compelled to phone every 20 minutes then that should tell you your answer-besides which a lot can happen in that time.

Mine are teenagers. I will go out during the day for a couple of hours, typically I get a call asking for something from the shops anyway, but I wouldn't go out drinking or leave them alone at night time.

The 11 year old is borderline during the day-personally I wouldn't-but for a very sensible 11 year old with potentially an older teen for an hour or so in the day would possibly be ok.

The 8 year old is too young to be left alone or left in the charge of another child. Day or night.

I have a 16 year old and a 9 year old and have only just now started leaving them home alone together. Even then it's an hour or two where there's no other choice. Certainly not to go drinking and absolutely not at the ages of your children. It's astonishing to me that anyone could imagine it to be a reasonable decision to make. An 11 year old is nowhere near old enough to have that sort of responsibility

I agree.

Some posters are saying they left their kids to go to the shop or to pick up a young sibling - which is completely different.

Leaving your kids to teach independence is fine but it should be done in short bursts during the day, not whilst you go get drunk for hours.

This thread has turned into a self-righteous public stoning of a mother who came here for support and advice. How is that constructive?

I sympathise with you OP. It’s obvious you and your husband have different comfort levels about leaving the children alone.

You admit you left them alone to go to a party and in hindsight felt it was too young. Im going to assume your husband was part of that decision too and maybe put pressure on you to go.

About 20 years ago my husband and I went for lunch with some friends. We both had toddlers. I left after the lunch with my Dd and my husband stayed drinking.

I found out later that they had carried on drinking, and all three adults decided to go to the pub that night, which was 200 yards away. They left the toddler alone sleeping in his cot, used the baby monitor and took it in turns to go back to the house every 20 mins.

My husband was really surprised when I told him how irresponsible that was.

I think OP also mentioned they had both done it another time for a couple of hours. OP, I think 11 is approaching old enough to leave for short spaces of time during the day and if they are awake to exit house quickly etc. I would still leave a phone. But 8 is just too young and 11 is too young to have responsibility for anyone other than themself. So yes, your DH was unreasonable but chances are the water was a bit muddied by them having been left before. They are a few years off being able to be left, but for now I think that arrangement is a too much responsibility for an 11 year old. Anyway they are safe and it sounds as though you will wait a bit before doing it again.

I know from previous threads that I'm on the laxer side of this debate (through necessity, not for going out myself).

Mine are 10&12. They are left one evening a week while I'm at work (home 7.30), and 12yo is home until 9pm one night while I pick up her sister. Potentially another evening until 7pm.
12yo is not in charge... 10yo is responsible for herself. I didn't leave her until I knew she could be trusted by herself.

I work with 8yos. They panic and do irrational things... as do 10yos, but less likely. One of the things we do with the 8yos is teach them life skills like how to react in an emergency. A lot think its 911 not 999. They don't know their address even their house number in quite a few cases, let alone their post code.

They would probably be fine. It would probably be fine to leave your house unlocked all day or your keys in your car. Would you do that?

I don't know about it being a stoning, but certainly a consensus.

Look, it sounds like the kids are OK, so that's the main thing.

But I think people telling OP that they are too young to be left is OK as well-if there was a next time, the outcome could be very different.

Wtf - YOU yourself left the kids alone?! This must be a joke?! And now you want to have a go at your husband, when just a few months ago you did it as well? This is insanity. Both of you are terrible. Sorry OP you don’t want to hear this and youre getting a lot of bashing on here - but you need to hear it. Fire in the house? What happens then? Burglary? What then. This post gives me anxiety. Think about this.

Those years between 8 and 12 are huge developmentally. I think 12 years until 9pm is ok ( just)! But I think 8 is too young to ever be without an adult. The same difference in age between an 8 and a 12 year old is an 8 and a 4 year old! Those years change things a lot.

I didn’t have to try leaving my young kids alone to realise it was wrong! I just knew.

OP’s DH is clearly worse than OP, but the fact that they both thought it was OK to leave the kids a couple of months ago, means it’s slightly hypocritical of the OP to turn on her husband now. Slack parenting all round.

I was left at home from age 7 with only my 11 year sibling. I'm not sure how we're still alive from the stupid stuff we did including sliding diwn the stair on a tea tray. Would not recommend

That sounds equally fun and terrifying!

In fairness the circumstances were more suitable when OP left them ( awake, phone, limited timeframe and they at least KNEW). I still think it was too much for the 8 year old and too much responsibility for the 11 year old. I think OP felt it was right at the limits, but the second instance blows that out of the water. DH went much further.

He was wrong to go out but the only trouble is that you had both done it before. You felt afterwards that it was a mistake and didn’t want to do it again until they were older but as nothing bad happened that time he’s decided that it was okay.

Could the kids have gotten out of the house if they needed to? Or did he lock them in?

Waking up in an empty house would have been terrifying.

Someone upthread mentioned the McCann's, who thought it was perfectly acceptable to leave a toddler and two babies alone in an unfamiliar bedroom while they went out and got pissed up with friends. I wonder how many other occasions they had done this?

They were both seemingly well-educated intelligent people. They were dining and drinking with similarly intelligent and well-educated people. They paid a particularly heavy price for their decision, but as far as I'm aware, they were never charged with negligence or their remaining children removed.

The point is that while I think leaving children of 11 and 8 alone at night is completely and utterly unacceptable, there are obviously people in all walks of life who are willing to take the risk.

All I can say is I would never gamble with my children's safety for a few drinks.