Husband left kids alone at home

[OhDamnYourEyes]

I just came back home after a night out with friends, which was arranged a week ago. Husband was going to be home with the kids (8 & 11), put them to bed etc.

Yesterday he asked what time I was likely to be back, as a friend had asked him to go out for a drink. I said that I wasn’t sure, but not until fairly late. As a joke I said ‘you won’t just go out and leave them, will you’ and he laughted and said ‘of course not’.

Fast forward to tonight, I come home at 23:45, kids asleep, he’s not here. When I call him, he’s at his friends house (ca. 15 mins away) for a drink.

We had recently discussed starting to leave them home alone for short periods every now and then, and once went out together to a birthday nearby from 8-10.30pm (we couldn’t get a babysitter and gave them a phone to call us if they needed to). I did however say that I feel they are actually a bit to young for this, and that while I think it’s ok to go to the shops for an hour in the daytime and leave them, I don’t feel comfortable doing so at night.

I had a massive go at him over the phone, told him that he’s irresponsible and that I don’t want to see him. What would you do?

I've got kids similar ages (little older). What I don't understand is that you just left them for a few hours. Mine get left together for a max of 20 possibly 30 min and it's something you build up. Certainly not just go out for the evening and leave them for several hours. Bonkers

Too much hate for the OP here. She tried leaving the children once in a controlled, relatively safe way, realised it felt too soon and decided not to do it again and said so to husband. Not unreasonable, just slightly too young (had they been say 12 and 10 that scenario would have been ok imo, does depend on the maturity of the children of course).

The husband then leaving them alone late at night knowing the OP was out and probably been drinking, drinking himself, children didn't know he was out - no control over how long they were left alone for - no means of checking them - completely irresponsible and neglectful - I would be furious and upset.

I can’t vote.

I was going to say he’s BU and negligent… but he left them for less time than you did, so you’re both BU.

I think you both need to agree that they’re too young to be left alone.

Going to the corner shop for 10mins is one thing but leaving them to get pissed at a friends house for a couple of hours at night is completely irresponsible.

Draw a line in this one and both do better in the future.

I was fairly relaxed as a parent but while I'd leave an 11-year-old home during the day for a short while I would not leave them with an 8-year-old at any time.

I don’t think that is remotely comparable to OP’s actions.

God “I was home alone from 7” yeah that’s not acceptable either 🙄

Why are some people suggesting 14 and 15 year olds can't be home alone for an hour?

Both of your behaviour is unacceptable in all honesty as you have also left them before despite being wary about it. They are too young to be left alone end of.

But you left them alone on the earlier occasion. No matter what you said about having second thoughts about it, he’s interpreted it as being ok. You should never leave kids that age alone at night. I’d have only left an 11 year old very briefly during the day and he knows our neighbours very well. I didn’t let ours come home from school to an empty house until they were 12. And they weren’t looking after a younger sibling.

In a controlled safe way for 2.5 hours, most people would try 30 mins during the day but hey ho, would've gone home earlier if they felt uncomfortable.

None of its ok imo, but actually I think leaving them alone AWAKE when they can get into stuff is possibly worse, so perhaps he saw this as lesser.

However you'd clearly had a chat about it since the first incident, it was clear you weren't on board, I'd be wondering what was so special at his mates house that he couldn't wait until tomorrow or his mate come to his.

Does he have form for punishing you for going out? Or putting drinking ahead of your family?

They weren’t left overnight they were by themselves for a couple of hours in the evening. I would say an 11 year old was more than capable of that and an 8 year old probably is too. I’m not sure what people think might happen?

@SheIsStuck23 No, I do get it’s different. But just reading through some of the other replies saying they’d never leave their children at that age just made me think that’s all

Electrical fault, break in, the kids getting hungry so putting the grill on and leaving it on, trips, slips, falls, house noises scaring them and one of them deciding to go and get Dad. Even just one of them waking up from a nightmare and there being no adult in the house. Or getting sick, a fever, vomitting. A sudden nose bleed. And no adult. An 8 yo shouldn't have to minister to a sick 11 yo because Dad had to go and get drunk with his mates.

I think I'm pretty robust when it comes to parenting - I'm regularly amazed at the horror that is expressed if someone posts about leaving a child in the car while popping into a shop or paying for petrol - but my younger two are the same age as the OP's children and there is no way on earth that I'd leave them alone at night.

I'll leave the 11 year old during the day for a couple of hours, but I won't leave the youngest one with him. We have just now started leaving the 14 year old in charge for very short periods of time - eg one of us is going to be home half an hour after the other one has to go out, or popping out to the local shop - but if we're out in the evening, we still get a babysitter for the youngest, and the older two just do their own thing.

It would almost certainly all be fine - until the time it wasn't.

Sorry op I think 8 and 11 are too young to be left at home alone. I'm not sure why ur hubby left them to go have a alcoholic drink. That's sounds so unacceptable. Especially at a time like that in the evening anything could be happening/happen.

If he knew u was out why wouldn't he just wait.

I’m a relaxed parent but I can’t ever imagine leaving an 8 and 11yr old at 10pm to go out drinking with mates. Neither would I leave them whilst I was at a party in the evening.

You are both truly irresponsible, can’t believe there was ever a scenario in which you thought this was a good idea.

Do you think an 8yr old has any chance of getting themselves out of a burning house alone in the dark? Or if one had become unwell, or just woken up and needed you. Imagine how scared when they realised they were all alone.

You both need to really reconsider you approach. Poor kids

I hope these kids tell someone like a teacher who is a mandatory reporter. Someone with authority needs to tell these parents this is completely unfit and unacceptable parenting.

I don’t think any of those would be particularly likely to happen. How many of those happenings have actually occurred in your home?

There isn’t a legal age limit defined in U.K. law that sets out when a child can be left unattended. It relies on a common sense approach from the parents and an assessment based upon the individual child. I personally don’t see a massive issue if these children are mature and happy with the set up. My children are similar age and I’ve let them decide when they feel the time is right. Start off with small periods on their own and it builds their confidence. Are able to lock and I clock doors, understand they don’t answer the door, don’t attempt to cook, have a working phone, know what to do in an emergency etc. This is all good preparation for greater independence in the future.

@OhDamnYourEyes they are too young. I hope you’ve learned from this thread.

So fine for you both to go out together and leave children alone

But not fine for dh to do the same as you were out

Double standards

You are both wrong to leave children that young alone

Talk about selfish and irresponsible

If you can't get a babysitter (which I'm sure you can't but didn't want to pay)

Then you don't go out

My parents left us at that age, we were never unsafe, but does depend on the children. I always find it strange how kids are allowed to go out to play unaccompanied at that age in the big wide world with strangers but the same patents feel it's inappropriate to leave them unaccompanied in the safety of their own home.

This is why I wash there was a legal limit to leave a child alone

I think 11 (as at secondary school) is fine for maybe an hour or two while parents come home from work

Def not 8

And the eldest def shouldn't be in charge of any children younger

I’m hoping this is made up because surely no decent parent thinks it’s ok to leave children this age alone at night. It makes it worse because he didn’t even tell them, just put them in bed and then went out. So if one of the dc woke up, they’d find no one in the house. How scary would that be for them? In what universe could anyone possibly think this is ok?

I’m quite a chill parent but I have an 11 year old and 8 year old and there is no way I would leave them alone in the evenings. I’ve left the 11 yr old alone for a couple of hours during the day but never with her sister there because it’s not her responsibility to look after her.