Page 20 | Partner not come home freaking out and angry

annabel586 · 2023-11-25T00:05:43+00:00

My partner went for Christmas party with work last night, he was going to drive but called me about 7 saying he was getting a cab home at 10. He tried calling me twice about 9.30 but I was in the shower so missed the calls. Been calling him back ever since and he's not answering at all- rings through to voicemail. This is VERY unlike him as he always keeps in touch and calls me back etc I know it's only been a couple of hours but I'm going out of my mind with worry now. [sad] I'm so angry but upset as well, I would never do this.

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 25/11/2023 10:19

He decided to drive from London to Kent drunk.
There were so many other choices he could have made.
I hope nobody was hurt.
Definitely nothing to do with you @annabel586 , this is all on him.
If you want to know where he is now & how long they're keeping him they should tell you (that was my experience)

Take care of yourself. 🌺

KitKat1985 · 25/11/2023 10:20

Oh God I'd be furious about the drink driving. Has he ever done anything like this before?

I'm surprised though 101 weren't able to tell you when you called them earlier.

Pammy28 · 25/11/2023 10:21

Why hasn't he a key? Did he forget it? I'm a bit confused! Plus I wouldn't leave the door open!

ApolloandDaphne · 25/11/2023 10:21

annabel586 · 25/11/2023 09:31

He's been arrested for drunk driving.

I'm pleased he's safe but fucking furious.

That's is shocking. What a lot to deal with - for both of you. Yes, he is an idiot, but he will have to face massive consequences once he is sober.

TravelInHope · 25/11/2023 10:22

MayThe4th · 25/11/2023 09:43

So I’m guessing that he called at 9:30 to tell you he’d been arrested.

He must have been pretty drunk to have been kept in the cells overnight.

I would already have packed his bags by now but given this information I definitely would. Absolute dealbreaker and I would leave his stuff on the front lawn and go out. He’ll have no option but to fuck off somewhere else because he doesn’t have a key.

Absolute fucking arsehole.

Absolutely awful for you OP.
I think after being arrested for drunk driving you will be kept in the cells overnight whatever your level
of alcohol.

ImNunTheWiser · 25/11/2023 10:22

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Mate, you didn’t have to announce your XY status, we would have been able to tell…..

Nicknacky · 25/11/2023 10:24

VisionsOfSplendour · 25/11/2023 09:59

That's a strange wasy for them to look at it, the person being punished in that way is the poor one sat at home with no clue where theirblobed one. Is. Is that really police policy ?

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No it’s not.

user1483387154 · 25/11/2023 10:25

OMG im so sorry you are dealing with all this. Im glad he is safe but even more glad he didnt hurt anyone else with his reckless behaviour.
What are you going to do now?

GreatGateauxsby · 25/11/2023 10:25

ImNunTheWiser · 25/11/2023 10:22

Mate, you didn’t have to announce your XY status, we would have been able to tell…..

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😅😅😅😅
too true funny

Createausername1970 · 25/11/2023 10:25

drivinmecrazy · 25/11/2023 10:13

While I completely understand it's natural for posters to tell OP that this would be a red line for them, I don't think it's particularly helpful.
It's almost akin to victim blaming.
If OP decides to stay in the relationship (assuming this isn't repeated behaviour and there are no other red flags) any judgment from other people isn't helpful.
I should have name changed for what I'm about to say, but don't really know how so what the hell.

I was arrested for drink driving in my very early twenties (now in late fifties so thankfully way in my past). Not an excuse in any way, but I was fleeing a potentially dangerous situation and I was just over legal limits and kind of shopped myself.
Not that withstanding, I felt utter utter shame, embarrassment and horror about what I'd done and the consequences that followed.
Had my family and friends had a firm red line that's being expressed on here I just don't know what would have happened.

I didn't even apply to have my license back for seven years because of the shame I felt.
Needless to say it's not a situation I'd EVER put myself in that place again.

So to suggest that OP should blow apart their whole life is a huge assumption.

If their DP has form for this reckless behaviour, or if their relationship has shown a propensity towards selfish behaviour, then there's no reason to ditch their whole lives over this.

It's not helpful.

We should be supporting OP during what will be an horrific time in their life while they work out themselves what is or is not a 'simple' red line.

If we condemn someone for one act of reckless, dangerous stupidity, then we are saying that redemption is never possible.

I don't want to live like that.
Had that been the case in my situation then I dread to think where I'd be.

I wouldn't have gone on to have the life I have. I'm more than thankful that redlines weren't drawn for me.

N.B. Obviously this doesn't negate the fact he's committed an horrendous crime and should be punished accordingly.

I am in this camp to be honest. What he did was stupid, could have killed someone and deserves whatever legal punishment he gets. No question about that whatsoever.

I would say the same thing if it were my DH. But would I throw away 40 years of a good relationship if it was the only incident? No I would not.

I wouldn't be happy and it would obviously impact our lives to have only one driver, but I would hope that if I were to do something as stupid as that, my hubby would have some compassion for me, so I would do the same towards him.

Thats the problem with alcohol. You can be as sane as the next person and be totally against drink driving - but the more you have the more your own reasoning goes down the pan. So I don't drink at all when I am driving, because if I have one glass of wine and say "that will be OK", before I know it, I have had three and kidding myself I am fine.

OP, look after yourself and once you have calmed down and talked to him, see what he has to say. If he is normally as nice as you have said he is, then he will be devastated about this.

bluegreygreen · 25/11/2023 10:25

@number1barber The only person responsible in any way for drink driving is the one who deliberately sat behind the wheel

@drivinmecrazy I'm glad your life wasn't derailed by that one event. Should it turn out that OP's partner was fleeing from a dangerous situation I'm sure there would be some sympathy for him, but it currently seems unlikely

toodleloop · 25/11/2023 10:27

Weird that he doesn't have his house key on his car keys *misses point.

number1barber · 25/11/2023 10:27

brunchfiend · 25/11/2023 10:16

Wtaf is wrong with you? Blaming her for his criminal act. This is a genuinely disgusting post. And she sure as hell wouldn't 'lose out' by leaving a selfish, dangerous criminal. Jesus.

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Im not in the relationship I have no idea why he drove home drunk nor does anyone but him. I'm just amazed her first post was angry and upset so is there a possibilty he drove home to avoid having a arguement by staying out? Sure. Is that a good reason no it's not. Dangerous criminal is a stretch. Does he spend his normal days doing crimes or did he get drunk and drive home.

Daleksatemyshed · 25/11/2023 10:29

@drivinmecrazy if the Op wants to forgive him she will, but I think you've missed something important. Her Ex repeatedly got too drunk and got arrested so for the Op it's not a one off, it's same shit, different day. @annabel586 I'm sorry he's turned out to be another one who drinks to excess. I know when I've drunk too much and stop, why some men can't is a mystery to me

aviatorsrus · 25/11/2023 10:29

Worried maybe???

Sauvblanctime · 25/11/2023 10:29

annabel586 · 25/11/2023 09:46

Yep this was it. It happened at 9pm last night. 4 witnesses. Destroyed some other poor persons car.

Livid doesn't begin to cover it. And I've been sat here all night worrying about his safety he could have killed someone else!!!!!

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Christ!! I’d be fuming as well. What an arsehole.

number1barber · 25/11/2023 10:29

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aviatorsrus · 25/11/2023 10:31

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You have serious issues mate!
Assumptions assumptions!!

LardoBurrows · 25/11/2023 10:34

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 25/11/2023 10:19

He decided to drive from London to Kent drunk.
There were so many other choices he could have made.
I hope nobody was hurt.
Definitely nothing to do with you @annabel586 , this is all on him.
If you want to know where he is now & how long they're keeping him they should tell you (that was my experience)

Take care of yourself. 🌺

He decided to drive from London to Kent drunk.

God yes, I've just clocked that he was in London, but lives in Kent. The thought of someone that drunk, driving all that way, JFC it is terrifying. Hopefully he was caught and arrested at the beginning of his journey. I hope the written off car was empty.

I'm so sorry Op, this is a lot to deal with and I expect the full ramifications of his actions are only just beginning to become apparent. Look after yourself.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 25/11/2023 10:35

toodleloop · 25/11/2023 10:27

Weird that he doesn't have his house key on his car keys *misses point.

Eh? How is that weird?

snowfootsteps · 25/11/2023 10:36

Createausername1970 · 25/11/2023 10:25

I am in this camp to be honest. What he did was stupid, could have killed someone and deserves whatever legal punishment he gets. No question about that whatsoever.

I would say the same thing if it were my DH. But would I throw away 40 years of a good relationship if it was the only incident? No I would not.

I wouldn't be happy and it would obviously impact our lives to have only one driver, but I would hope that if I were to do something as stupid as that, my hubby would have some compassion for me, so I would do the same towards him.

Thats the problem with alcohol. You can be as sane as the next person and be totally against drink driving - but the more you have the more your own reasoning goes down the pan. So I don't drink at all when I am driving, because if I have one glass of wine and say "that will be OK", before I know it, I have had three and kidding myself I am fine.

OP, look after yourself and once you have calmed down and talked to him, see what he has to say. If he is normally as nice as you have said he is, then he will be devastated about this.

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Also in this camp. My father (who had alcohol problems) was banned for driving for a year- he was extremely ashamed. Mum was livid but supported him- as did his work. He completely stopped drinking after that. A kind and loving husband in all other respects.

Op - you will need time to process this whole situation (and assess the risk of repeat issues)- and then decide what you want to do. There is no right or wrong answer - will need to take into account a heap of information that we random Mumsnet commentators will not have access to.

Wishing you all the best.

LakieLady · 25/11/2023 10:36

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 25/11/2023 09:29

if he’s a John Doe, that won’t be known when she calls either, the hospital will call the police and she’s told the police.

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They go through wallets and stuff to get ID details if people are brought in unconscious. If there's a driving licence, they'll have the address as well.

Original poster

annabel586 · 25/11/2023 10:38

@ImNunTheWiser

"Mate, you didn’t have to announce your XY status, we would have been able to tell….."

This was the laugh I needed today, thank you

OP posts:

Ramalangadingdong · 25/11/2023 10:38

VisionsOfSplendour · 25/11/2023 10:17

That's an interesting take on drink driving, would you say that iif you'd been involved in an accident with a drink driver?

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She hadn’t read the update but did so immediately after posting and apologised.

skyeisthelimit · 25/11/2023 10:39

OP, I am glad he has turned up safe, but obviously it could have been a very different story.

He now has to face the consequences of his actions, which will obviously impact on you as well. It doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage, not everyone walks away when there is a problem, some people like to work through things. But the decision is yours and yours alone.

I am sorry that he has been so stupid. You were right to worry as you said this was out of character for him. Sadly he could have killed himself or somebody else with his actions, so he needs to show the appropriate reactions now and deal with it.