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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby's surname

124 replies

zombiefred · 24/11/2023 11:27

I've been with my dp for less than a year, the pregnancy was unplanned and a big shock but we're all happy and my dp loves being a dad.
I still had my ex husbands surname but have recently changed it by deed poll and am now using my middle name as my surname as I didn't want to go back to my maiden name.
When I was pregnant we agreed dds surname will be double barrel, my new surname and then his dads side of his surname as he also has a double barrel name.
The issue is I'm not keen on his dads surname and worry dd will get bullied because of it but now he's saying he doesn't want to use my new surname at all and is very passionate about this saying I'm disrespecting his family name which I can see his pov but it's not just the fact I don't like the name but really we hardly know each other yet I feel like he's claiming dd as solely his and solely part of his culture but I want her name to be part of me too. He says my surname is just made up but it's going to be my surname for the rest of my life now and has always been part of my name.
We had a discussion yesterday about it he said he only agreed to double barrel the name because he didn't want to stress me out while pregnant, he got very passionate with his rant yesterday and actually scared me and I just shut down and cried and couldn't voice my opinion. He said he'll only double barrel dds name if my ex husband will agree to change our 7yo sons name to add my new surname and double barrel it which I know he definitely won't.
But now we're acting like nothing happened, I think he thinks I've agreed but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable just because I don't like his surname or if it's fair to double barrel it. I don't feel like I can voice my opinion properly either as I struggle to get what's in my brain out into words and I know he'll have a comeback to everything I say.

OP posts:
bellsandwhistles333 · 24/11/2023 11:31

Nope you have every right for your baby to have your name also.
I was with my now husband 6 years before we had our son and i was still adamant we were double barrelling as we weren't married.

It's nothing really about marriage more so that I believe you should have the same name of you want it. If you don't mind then also no problem but you clearly do :)

My friends has 2 children with two different surnames neither hers and old know she absolutely hates it so all I am saying is hold your ground it is not unreasonable at all

StardustGiraffe · 24/11/2023 11:34

Personally OP I'd really push to include your name, don't let him bully you. Especially given you've been together such a short time, anything could happen and then you'd be stuck for life with a child without your surname.

I gave my baby my surname as a middle name but I really regret not double-barreling her now. I hate using her full name as it's not mine.

Torganer · 24/11/2023 11:35

Double-barrelled is respectful to both of you. We did this, we’re married but I kept my name. I like the fact our child has both our names.

sushiburger · 24/11/2023 11:36

He said he'll only double barrel dds name if my ex husband will agree to change our 7yo sons name to add my new surname your son's name is fuck all to do with him.

Give your child your name and run from this man

StardustGiraffe · 24/11/2023 11:36

Also I find - for me anyway - that lots of places assume you have the same name as you're the one taking her to doctor's appointments, picking up and dropping off from nursery most often etc and so I not often get called her surname, even though it's not my name!

If you're going to be doing most of those things, it is easier to have the same surname.

Sunshine997 · 24/11/2023 11:38

As this... massive red flag in how he's handled this and dismissed your opinion. Give the baby your name

DifficultBloodyWoman · 24/11/2023 11:40
  1. You are not married. He (legally) has fuck all say in choosing the name when you go to register the birth. (He could go to court later to get it changed but double barreling would be more likely to be approved by the court).
  2. Traditionally, the baby gets the mother’s surname, whatever that may be.
  3. You are scared of him. This relationship isn’t going to last. Therefore, you have another reason to make sure you name is included!!!

PS - what is his ‘culture’ that he wants the baby to be connected to?

CuriousGeorge80 · 24/11/2023 11:43

Honestly just use your own name if you arent married.

Scruffington · 24/11/2023 11:43

I don't want to seem harsh but from what you've described it doesn't sound like this relationship is going to last. So do not give in. You'll most likely be bringing your child up solo so your surname should certainly form part of hers.

Stay firm.

Womencanlift · 24/11/2023 11:45

People always think it’s tradition to get the father’s name. It’s not, it is actually the mother’s name that is the tradition.

It just happens to be that traditionally the parents would be married so the mother would have the father’s name and so would the baby

Thats not the case these days so parents can make the choice. I have seen parents use the mothers name (and if in a recent relationship like yours that is sensible), I have seen parents give both names as a surname, mothers name as middle name and fathers name as surname or just the fathers name.

All of these are a choice of the parents but most importantly the primary care giver. It is not automatic to use the fathers name and not disrespectful if you don’t

youcandanceifyouwanna · 24/11/2023 11:46

Have you registered the birth yet? Is he aware that if you're unmarried he doesn't automatically get mentioned on the birth certificate, let alone get to choose the name?

Velvian · 24/11/2023 11:48

It is your decision @zombiefred . Go with your name only.

AdoraBell · 24/11/2023 11:51

So he lied and mislead you. Double barrel the name and tell everyone. Ignore any comments from his family, if they do comment.

He claimed to agree and that means he agreed. Though shit if he doesn’t want to do it now.

Sconehenge · 24/11/2023 11:51

Oh OP I’m so worried for you! Please know that you deserve to be with someone who is respectful and interested in your opinion and doesn’t bully you or shut you down. Stand your ground and insist on your surname. You’re not married and the starting point should be your name only, letting him have his is a nice favour you’re doing.

AdoraBell · 24/11/2023 11:57

Also, register the baby with your GP using the double barrelled name.

My late MIL “helpfully” registered my DDs, they were burn overseas and we returned when they were 4 months old. I turned up and said Smith-Jones and they said - sorry, you’re not registered. MIL piped up and oh, I registered them, the name is Jones.

AdoraBell · 24/11/2023 11:58

Born overseas, not burn 🤦‍♀️

Original poster
zombiefred · 24/11/2023 12:06

Thank you all, I told him because we’re not married I can legally name her whatever I want and he says I’m not the type of person to be disrespectful to someone like that and because we have a child together now we’re pretty much married anyway. And he’s saying traditionally it should be the fathers surname, but he’s not even wanting to use his full surname just his dads part of it and I feel like he’s doing this mainly because he’s scared to disappoint and disrespect his dad.
He’s from a tiny island near the Caribbean which is a British territory so not a massively different culture to mine and the surname is Bean which isn’t the worst but I wouldn't want it as my surname and I grew up hating my surname I don’t want dd to feel the same whereas if it’s double barrelled she has the option if she just want to use one name day to day and only have it double barrelled officially. He's saying she's not going to hate her surname like I did and that she'll be proud of her surname because his dad is well known on his island.

OP posts:
Scruffington · 24/11/2023 12:10

So he has a double barrel surname made up of his mother's and father's surnames but he's throwing a revolting hissy fit over doing the same for his own daughter?

Nah.

Stick.to.your.guns.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 24/11/2023 12:13

You give birth you choose.... Tbh he is lucky you even want him on the bc...

Fupoffyagrasshole · 24/11/2023 12:16

na id never have a different name to my child! the way he's behaving just use your name and get rid of the man

WHALESURPRISE · 24/11/2023 12:21

He said he'll only double barrel dds name if my ex husband will agree to change our 7yo sons name to add my new surname

Lucky it's not up to him then eh?

Oh and classy move admitting he only told you what you wanted to hear because you were pregnant.

Oh and he's wrong on it being traditional to give babies the father's surname. They have their mother's surname, it's just that this pa often the same as the father's because they're married

hotcandle · 24/11/2023 12:21

Give the baby your name. Who cares about disrespecting his family's name other than him?

If you want to avoid fights just make reassuring noises and then when you register her, use your own name only. Don't tell him and attend the appointment alone.

hotcandle · 24/11/2023 12:22

I'm sorry Bean is a horrific surname. I wouldn't give my child the surname Bean.

A lifetime of Mr Bean jokes.

Backagain23 · 24/11/2023 12:25

I'd be giving the baby my name in your shoes.
This is a new relationship and he's just set his inner dickhead free so it's probably not going to last.
Cheeky fucker.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 24/11/2023 12:27

He said he'll only double barrel dds name if my ex husband will agree to change our 7yo sons name to add my new surname

That is not his call. You are not married. Therefore, he has to attend the meeting with the Registrar to have his name on the birth certificate and the Registrar will give the baby the name you want, not the name he wants.

You also have the option of registering the birth alone, with your choice of name, and adding the father to the birth certificate at a later date. It is very easy to do if both you and the father agree to have the father’s name on the birth certificate. You literally fill in a form and send it off. Done.