Baby's surname

[zombiefred]

I've been with my dp for less than a year, the pregnancy was unplanned and a big shock but we're all happy and my dp loves being a dad.
I still had my ex husbands surname but have recently changed it by deed poll and am now using my middle name as my surname as I didn't want to go back to my maiden name.
When I was pregnant we agreed dds surname will be double barrel, my new surname and then his dads side of his surname as he also has a double barrel name.
The issue is I'm not keen on his dads surname and worry dd will get bullied because of it but now he's saying he doesn't want to use my new surname at all and is very passionate about this saying I'm disrespecting his family name which I can see his pov but it's not just the fact I don't like the name but really we hardly know each other yet I feel like he's claiming dd as solely his and solely part of his culture but I want her name to be part of me too. He says my surname is just made up but it's going to be my surname for the rest of my life now and has always been part of my name.
We had a discussion yesterday about it he said he only agreed to double barrel the name because he didn't want to stress me out while pregnant, he got very passionate with his rant yesterday and actually scared me and I just shut down and cried and couldn't voice my opinion. He said he'll only double barrel dds name if my ex husband will agree to change our 7yo sons name to add my new surname and double barrel it which I know he definitely won't.
But now we're acting like nothing happened, I think he thinks I've agreed but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable just because I don't like his surname or if it's fair to double barrel it. I don't feel like I can voice my opinion properly either as I struggle to get what's in my brain out into words and I know he'll have a comeback to everything I say.

Speaking as someone who has a different surname to her children, please don't bow down to his demands. I can tell you from personal experience, it's an absolute nightmare.

Everywhere we go, people assume I'm not my children's mother because we have a different surname. If you want to take them abroad, for instance, you will be stopped every time and asked to prove that a) you're their real mother, and b) you have permission from the father to take them out of the country (and if you're not on good terms then good luck with that!!!). My divorced friend has the same surname as her children and they go abroad frequently, and she has NEVER been asked.

Please, whatever you do, absolutely make sure you and your child have the same surname. Stay strong and do not give in on this. If he doesn't like it, tough. It would only prove that he's selfish and unreasonable and you'd be better off showing him the door. You are the only one who can stand up to him and advocate for yourself so make sure you do.

Op your baby, your name.
I think doubt the relationship will last so do what's best for you in the long run.

Surely you’ll be dumping this demonstrably shite new boyfriend? His thoughts have zero worth, so no need to give them a moments thought. Plan for lone parenting your two kids, and inevitably going to court with Mr Bean for contact arrangements.

Do not double barrel, give the child YOUR surname alone and get rid of this man.

Your post is classic situation, this guy will be out of your life in a few years (hopefully sooner for your sake).

Your last name. Dump the vile man.

With your update… no having a child together is not the same as being married. If I were you I would give child my last name only and let him know that you’ll adjust it to double barrelled with Bean if you’re legally wed and not before. His attitude STINKS! I’m very cross on your behalf.

I would die on that hill for sure. However, I would make one offer: either it is both names or only yours. If he is not willing to compromise that far then he's not invited to register DC with you. Also, this would be a huge red flag to me.

My children have DP's surname plus half my double barrel. It's not an unreasonable compromise. Also, Bean will be diluted by your name so less likely to cause teasing.

Yes. As @Everydayimhuffling said, this is a hill to die on.

As others have said, traditionally the mum gives her child her name. Stick to your guns. As he’s playing silly buggers I’d give your baby just your name. You can adjust this if you ever marry this man.

Honestly, register her without him present and LTB ASAP.

His ehaviour is abusive, manipulative, gaslighting to name just a few. This will only escalate and you need to protect yourself and both your children.

He doesn't want double barrel that's fine the baby gets your surname. I think you will find he will quickly get used to double barrel
Ask him why he can be disrespectful to you but expect you not to be?

I'm so glad I'm not being unreasonable thank you all, I definitely need to stick to my guns because there's nothing he can actually do, worse thing would be breaking up but I'm not afraid of that I'd be more than happy to co parent although it would be lovely to get past this and have a long term relationship.
I just don't know how to justify my reasons apart from saying I don't like his surname which I know is really disrespectful to him, and especially now I've changed my surname I have a different surname to my son so he doesn't buy the 'I want to have the same name as dd' excuse even tho it is partly true but me and my ds dad are on good terms I have no worries about him denying permission to take him abroad or anything but as pp said I don't know what will happen if we break up and things turn sour if she doesn't have at least part of my surname it's going to make things difficult.

@Enko he thinks my new surname is made up because it's really my middle name but it's going to be my surname the rest of my life and the only surname dd will know me by

You're the one giving birth, so the final say is yours.
You must give the baby your name

He has shown who he is, are you going to listen?

If i ever manage to have a child (unlikely, i'm already 34 with health issues and whilst in a ltr partner has a child already and also has health issues)
I'd absolutely want the same last name as my child. I also hate my surname and really like DP's, so for me i'd insist on marrying first, not necessarily before TTC/accidental pregnancy, but for definite before birth. If he didn't agree, baby would get my last name or double barrelled, i dont like double barrel names, but it would be the only "fair" option to DP who i know would want same name as baby too.
If he was adamant baby got his name only, i'd find a way to register birth by myself, but be generous to add his too.

Is he Caymanian OP? Or from BVI?

Stick very very hard to your guns - your decision, you hold all the cards. This man is not going to be a supportive influence in your life, so don't walk down the road of trying to placate him.

i think it's perfectly justifiable to want your name as the relationship is newish so may not last! this man could disappear in a few months and then you are left stuck with his name forever!

my husbands son from previous relationship has the mums name and my husbands surname as his middle name! i think fair enough - they were only recently back together when she got pregnant and wasn't sure they would last - and they had split within the 1st year!

we've had issues travelling with his child a few times when he was little because of his name - her being the resident parent it would have caused her loads of hassle over the years if their names were different!

so definitely go for your name and maybe his as a middle name at best

He isn't respectful of your choices at all is he? e.g. saying your surname is "made up" well tough tit matey it's your surname and he should respect that.

Don't let him browbeat you into leaving your surname out of your daughter's. It doesn't matter what happened with your other child, that is absolutely none of his business and it's years in the past.

Oh just give her your name, OP.

Like you said, you barely know each other, you probably won't stay together, you'll end up being her primary carer anyway and so it makes sense for her to have your name.

I'd have zero tolerance for any bullying from him.

And you also need to point out that it doesn't matter what he will or will not agree to because you're not married so only you can register her and it is therefore your decision and not his.

He is not calling the shots here.

He does not hold any cards.

You do not have to do anything you don't want to do.

I would just say that your son only has a different name because it used to be your name (assuming it did) - and you didn't want to keep your ex-husband's name when you were no longer in a relationship with him.

You don't have to make it about not liking his name - just push that you want your baby to share your name as well as his.

Well your not married so thankfully the decision is yours and yours alone.
I'm sick of men thinking it's all about them. Your name is just as important.

You should absolutely not be with a boyfriend who makes you scared. You are your children’s advocate, they need to be kept secure, safe and happy with a strong, confident mother. Mr Bean can fuck off. Stop taking his word as fact.

I was in a similar situation and I registered her by myself and gave her my surname. Yes it caused a row but I have absolutely no regrets and would do the same again - we’re not together now and I’m glad she has my name. Give her the name that you’re happy using every single day while he dips in and out

What a giant twat he is. When he squeezes out a baby he can call it what the fuck he likes, just like you can now. Run a mile if you don’t want to be bullied forever.