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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby's surname

124 replies

zombiefred · 24/11/2023 11:27

I've been with my dp for less than a year, the pregnancy was unplanned and a big shock but we're all happy and my dp loves being a dad.
I still had my ex husbands surname but have recently changed it by deed poll and am now using my middle name as my surname as I didn't want to go back to my maiden name.
When I was pregnant we agreed dds surname will be double barrel, my new surname and then his dads side of his surname as he also has a double barrel name.
The issue is I'm not keen on his dads surname and worry dd will get bullied because of it but now he's saying he doesn't want to use my new surname at all and is very passionate about this saying I'm disrespecting his family name which I can see his pov but it's not just the fact I don't like the name but really we hardly know each other yet I feel like he's claiming dd as solely his and solely part of his culture but I want her name to be part of me too. He says my surname is just made up but it's going to be my surname for the rest of my life now and has always been part of my name.
We had a discussion yesterday about it he said he only agreed to double barrel the name because he didn't want to stress me out while pregnant, he got very passionate with his rant yesterday and actually scared me and I just shut down and cried and couldn't voice my opinion. He said he'll only double barrel dds name if my ex husband will agree to change our 7yo sons name to add my new surname and double barrel it which I know he definitely won't.
But now we're acting like nothing happened, I think he thinks I've agreed but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable just because I don't like his surname or if it's fair to double barrel it. I don't feel like I can voice my opinion properly either as I struggle to get what's in my brain out into words and I know he'll have a comeback to everything I say.

OP posts:

Prelapsarianhag · 26/11/2023 16:12

He's a bullying twat, your baby - your choice of name. Don't put this bully on the birth certificate - you are scared of him, you don't want him scaring your DC.

moofolk · 26/11/2023 16:15

Give the baby your name.

I don't know why more women don't do this. He sounds completely unreasonable and sexist.

glossypeach · 26/11/2023 16:20

People saying ‘keep your name only’. If you break up and go to court, it’s very likely the court will change the child’s name to double barrelled to include both parents. My sons dad was all about control and power, he didn’t care about seeing him (hence why he sees him only twice a month), yet he kicked up a huge fuss about changing his surname to include his. Despite never using the surname as he has never stood foot in our child’s school, drs, dentist and has refused point blank that he ever will pick him up or take him to school. Yet the court still chose to double barrel our child’s name from my surname because that’s what his dad wanted.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 26/11/2023 16:36

You're seeing what kind of man he is now. My XH bullied me into his name decision and I regret it. He wasn't a nice man either.

Brokenmiata · 26/11/2023 16:37

Only his surname if you're married. Don't let him push you into it.

GabriellaMontez · 26/11/2023 16:46

Traditionally the baby has the Mothers name. He should respect this decision.

You should probably stick with this as it doesn't sound like your relationship is very strong. You're scared of him and he's disrespectful of your opinion. Not a good start.

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 26/11/2023 16:48

sushiburger · 24/11/2023 11:36

He said he'll only double barrel dds name if my ex husband will agree to change our 7yo sons name to add my new surname your son's name is fuck all to do with him.

Give your child your name and run from this man

This 100%.

caringcarer · 26/11/2023 16:54

You're not married to him so he has no say over your DC surname. If he wants his DC to take his surname he marries you. I'd not take any account of his demands. I'd give the DC the surname the same as me. If you marry later at that point I'd agree DC could take his surname.

caringcarer · 26/11/2023 16:58

zombiefred · 24/11/2023 12:06

Thank you all, I told him because we’re not married I can legally name her whatever I want and he says I’m not the type of person to be disrespectful to someone like that and because we have a child together now we’re pretty much married anyway. And he’s saying traditionally it should be the fathers surname, but he’s not even wanting to use his full surname just his dads part of it and I feel like he’s doing this mainly because he’s scared to disappoint and disrespect his dad.
He’s from a tiny island near the Caribbean which is a British territory so not a massively different culture to mine and the surname is Bean which isn’t the worst but I wouldn't want it as my surname and I grew up hating my surname I don’t want dd to feel the same whereas if it’s double barrelled she has the option if she just want to use one name day to day and only have it double barrelled officially. He's saying she's not going to hate her surname like I did and that she'll be proud of her surname because his dad is well known on his island.

Having a DC together is not the same as being married as well he knows. He seems to want to please his Dad more than pleasing you, his partner. Unless the DC lives on this island how will she benefit from taking her paternal grandfather's name? Nope, DC needs the same name as the mother. Stand firm on this.

Kattiekat · 26/11/2023 16:58

I wasn’t married with my eldest and so I gave him my last name. His father is on the birth certificate.

I was married with my youngest 2 and so they are double barrelled. my reason for double barrelling is that my eldest has my last name. My husbands eldest has his and so it made sense for the ones we have together to be double barrelled.

he doesn’t like it really but I was not going to have it any other way.

to be honest the last part of my kids names seem to get missed off a lot anyway. I have asked the gp surgery to add the hyphen last part several times.

Sugargliderwombat · 26/11/2023 17:04

He sounds like a total that. I'd just give the baby your name.

M103 · 26/11/2023 17:08

Your name or double-barelled. Don't be bullied to.do anything else.

Tbry · 26/11/2023 17:11

You are unmarried give your child your surname only. Also there are big red flags here and having your surname will make life easier in the future…..also if it was me DO NOT put father on the birth certificate at all.

Plan for the worst case scenario and it’s your baby.

Storminthesky · 26/11/2023 17:44

Please don't give into this idiot. Go on your own and register as your name. Little beknown to me my eldest dad came with me and made sure it was his name as he'd had no end of problems with two of his exes (yes I should of known better, but I was very young, naive and stupid, he was much older than I and a lot more worldly and narcissistic). We split up when he was 4 months and it had been a bloody nightmare. My son is now nearly 16 and came to the realisation that his dad's a douchbag. And no I've not done any parental alienation. His dad managed that all on his own.

If you end up getting married then feel free to change the name. But in all honesty from what you've put I don't feel that's something you'd be doing anytime soon! Good luck OP!

gemma19846 · 26/11/2023 18:29

I get part of what hes saying. Your "surname" isnt a surname its a middle name. What if you ever get married again? Then your sons last name wont be the same as your last name and he will be stuck with your MIDDLE name as his surname which is weird. I would personally give him your partners last name as his last name will never change and also his dad. I always think kids who dont have their dads last name are children who dont know who their dad is or hes not in their lives. Why cant he just have dads surname as normal?

gemma19846 · 26/11/2023 18:31

Wow! Dont put him on the birth certificate? Its his DAD. Why would you want a child to grow up with no fathers name on his birth certificate when hes clearly in his life. Bizarre

junbean · 26/11/2023 18:33

The actual issue here is that he made you feel scared. I say get out of there and only use your name.

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 26/11/2023 18:49

Of course you aren't be unreasonable. How is that even a serious question?!

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 26/11/2023 18:57

Give your baby the name you choose. Do not register him as the father. you then have plenty of time to negotiate and discuss the future without you feeling pressured as a new mother.

debbs77 · 26/11/2023 19:02

In hospital baby will be known as Baby Your Surname.

I double barrelled MY surname so I was connected to two sets of children

Pottedpalm · 26/11/2023 19:06

So… this is what happens when you have a child with someone you hardly know.

user628468523532453 · 26/11/2023 19:09

And he’s saying traditionally it should be the fathers surname

He's wrong.

Traditionally baby takes the mother's name. Which if the mother was married usually would also be the father's name.

The ridiculous notion of giving the baby the father's name instead of the mother's is a very recent phenomenon.

DuckBee · 26/11/2023 19:18

So basically you are Angelina Jolie.
I do think you do have hang ups about his name that he wants to use which i can see would be upsetting to him especially if he's proud of that part of his family. I've seen names that are much worse amongst my child's peer group and you know what - the kids literally don't care. They are proud of who they are and don't give a fig!

ScreamingBeans · 26/11/2023 19:19

OMG the red flags on this.

A - he's not married to you and yet he demands your baby has his surname, not your's

B - he's demanding your son change his name even though he's not married to you?

C - he's demanding your baby takes his name even though you gave birth to the child

D - he made you feel scared

LTB

Seriously.

If he didn't let you speak and you felt scared, that's a massive alarm bell and you need to gtf out of there.

Original poster

zombiefred · 26/11/2023 19:24

Again thank you everyone for your input, next time we talk about registering her name I'm going to tell him straight that we already agreed and I'm not going to let him bully me and that's the end of the discussion, and if his reaction scares me again then he's definitely gone.

But if I do double barrel would it be best to have my surname first or his?

OP posts:

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