Baby's surname

[zombiefred]

I've been with my dp for less than a year, the pregnancy was unplanned and a big shock but we're all happy and my dp loves being a dad.
I still had my ex husbands surname but have recently changed it by deed poll and am now using my middle name as my surname as I didn't want to go back to my maiden name.
When I was pregnant we agreed dds surname will be double barrel, my new surname and then his dads side of his surname as he also has a double barrel name.
The issue is I'm not keen on his dads surname and worry dd will get bullied because of it but now he's saying he doesn't want to use my new surname at all and is very passionate about this saying I'm disrespecting his family name which I can see his pov but it's not just the fact I don't like the name but really we hardly know each other yet I feel like he's claiming dd as solely his and solely part of his culture but I want her name to be part of me too. He says my surname is just made up but it's going to be my surname for the rest of my life now and has always been part of my name.
We had a discussion yesterday about it he said he only agreed to double barrel the name because he didn't want to stress me out while pregnant, he got very passionate with his rant yesterday and actually scared me and I just shut down and cried and couldn't voice my opinion. He said he'll only double barrel dds name if my ex husband will agree to change our 7yo sons name to add my new surname and double barrel it which I know he definitely won't.
But now we're acting like nothing happened, I think he thinks I've agreed but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable just because I don't like his surname or if it's fair to double barrel it. I don't feel like I can voice my opinion properly either as I struggle to get what's in my brain out into words and I know he'll have a comeback to everything I say.

Who says that OP will change her surname if she gets married again? She has said that her current surname will be her surname forever.

Mine has a double barrelled surname. There was no way he was only having DH's.

You've been together a very short time, you say you feel you barely know him, he's scared you and lied to you.

If you read this about anyone else, you'd probably say to run for the hills and baby gets mother's name.

If you decide to stick with him for now, I'd still give her your name only. Just tell him you can change it if/when you get married (hopefully never.)

I had issues with my ex and my kids surname. I changed my childs name by statutory declaration without ex's permission (it didn't cost anything to do and was accepted everywhere except passport office. You can google how to do it) doctors, school etc. When ex he took me to court over the name change without his permission, the judge agreed it could be kept it as it had both our names.

You don't have to have reasons to want your surname that satisfy him. Doesn't matter if your surname is made up, not your son's etc. He's not your boss, or a judge or God. He seems to think he gets the final say - he doesn't.

She's your daughter. End of.

My son had my maiden name, then when I married he chose to double-barrel to include his step-dad’s surname. I took my DH’s name so it’s nice that my DS has the same last-last name as us and his younger siblings legally (easier for forms, bookings, holidays etc and he’s not left out) but day to day he now goes by his original surname as it’s easier to say/pronounce.

I think you should double-barrel to make it easier on both parents in the future practically for taking child out of the country, school forms etc should you split.

He shouldn’t be trying to change your 7 year old son’s name. You have every right to give your child a double barrel name without him putting in conditions.

The fact that he js even trying to dictate what you do with 7yo ds name (who isn't his) tells me everything.

Give baby your name. End of.

He can like it or lump it imo.

In your shoes I'd be giving the child only my surname.

In fact, we had a child before marriage and when we'd only been together a short time...we put my name on birth certificate.

I also think you'll end up bringing this child up alone, so do what suits you only.

I personally would give the baby your surname. The fact you haven't been together very long and you're already having issues with his behaviour would worry me. I'd see what happens once the baby is born first. Either he'll step up and be a wonderful father...in which case you can change the name later down the line if you both marry...or things don't work out and you'll be glad that the child has your surname. I'm a solo parent and I'm very glad that my daughter has my surname, it makes our lives easier in lots of way.

My two have a double-barrelled surname... my oldest (27) uses the full surname professionally, but mine (the first name) socially, whilst my youngest (19) uses only the first part. Going forwards, it's probable that it's going to be my surname carried down through my son's hypothetical line. My daughter is also talking about double-barrelling my surname with her partners for any (again hypothetical) offspring. Their father is... not great, however. Legally, they will die with a double-barrelled name on their birth certificates. But usually, it's the first part of the double that gets used... to my understanding, at least.

Stand your ground,@zombiefred - seriously. Your older child's name shouldn't even be part of the equation, and yeah: this is more than a little controlling of your youngest's father. 🌻

@contrary13 But usually, it's the first part of the double that gets used... to my understanding, at least.

I've heard that the second part of the double is used most. At least in the UK it is. My dd has a double barreled surname and my surname is the second part.

You’re not married. You decide baby’s name. Bean is horrible and I wouldn’t give it to my child.

My kids went to school with 3 x Beans. That was 15 years ago. No Mr Bean jokes even then.
I am divorced 11 years. Kept the married name to be the same as my 3 kids.
I am due to get married again next year (ex husband deceased) I think I will be double barrelling new and old married names. New one is hard to pronounce and I feel no affiliation to my maiden name now, used my married name for 29 years, and will still keep a connection to my kids. More people know me at work with my ex married name too so works better for me.
With 4 surnames in your house it could cause issues.
I have been stopped a few times with my daughter being taken to 1 side and asked questions when we travelled, and we have the same surname. Its a one parent fleeing red flag for authorities, and a letter from the absent parent is still sometimes needed. She had to explain at 15 that her father was deceased a year. Not a great scenario for her to be in...

I was in a similar situation. I got pregnant about 6 months into a new relationship. DS’s dad also told me I was being disrespectful to him by suggesting a double barrel and even went as far as to say that if I insisted on using both mine and his surnames then he wouldn’t sign the birth certificate. Speaking from experience I suggest you stand your ground. All surnames were ‘made up’ at some point in history so him saying your surname is made up is ridiculous. The baby having both surnames is future proof, if you guys don’t work out then at least your DC has your name too and if you do work out then DC can use both parts of the barrel or even choose to just use part of it. As for your first DC having exH’s name that’s none of current DP’s business and he shouldn’t be using that as leverage. You were married so you all had the same name, you and this DP don’t have the same surname so you’re giving your new DC both names. Stick to your guns, a name will last a lifetime the relationship you have DP might not.

Honestly OP, you barely know this guy and he is already being arsey about the surname.

I would make it very clear to him that unless he drops the subject immediately you will not be double barreling and he won't be on the birth certificate at all.

All this nonsense about it being disrespectful not to just use the man's surname.

Men like that don't deserve any respect.

Realistically OP it’s highly unlikely you’ll be staying with this man, who is already showing himself to be a bit of a dick after only a year. I’d give your daughter your name, and tell your partner that she can add his name in when she’s older if she wants to.

Give only your name! He sounds horrible and I wouldn't want to be with him. I gave my kid a double barrel name after pressure to give dads name and his dad promptly disappeared. I knew he was a dick and seriously regret giving in!

If you ever get married or last a long time you can change baby name then. You will need both parents permission and it will be easy to add his name. But you can't take his name off if he doesn't agree when you split up.

What the fuck is he on about “he will only double barrel if….” He doesn’t get to do anything. You are not married and can register the baby on your own without his presence and give the baby any name you like.

He is a bullying controlling arsehole.

Do not drop your surname from your baby’s name .

You will regret it hugely if you do. A zillion MN threads in evidence!

I'd avoid going into a big long speech and just say

"We've already decided this. It's not up for discussion".

And then seriously consider whether you want to be with this dickhead.

I recently had my divorce come though and we had 2 children together even before we were married. Both of their surnames are dads names and I actually really regret not double barrelling it so they had both of our surnames. I went back to my maiden name because I couldn’t bare to have his surname anymore.. my children are now older and it would do them more harm than good to insist on changing it now so I have to just accept it… however; I have a baby with my now partner and I decided not to make the same mistake and my youngest has both dads and my surname. I think it’s sensible to give your child both of your surnames especially if you aren’t married. I would not let this man bully you. You have as much right to have your name given to your baby too. You’re not asking for your name to be their surname; you’re trying to be equal and quite frankly he’s being a complete arsehole.

I don’t think it was the same island as that surname isn’t a big one there but I lived on a small Caribbean island for several years which is a British Overseas Territory. I can’t say for sure but I imagine the culture is fairly similar. Although superficially the culture appears like ours, deep down it isn’t. Religion, family and how many generations your family has lived on the island is ‘everything’ to them. Families even decide who they will vote for collectively, personal choice doesn’t always apply. Very few people will go against the family decision. Also be very careful if you visit/ move to the island. Where I lived although rare it wasn’t unheard of for some of the more prominent families to try and have mum’s from overseas deported and keep custody of children if they split up with a citizen as they can loose their right to residency. For that reason be careful if he suggests applying for joint citizenship for your child. It also taught me how much easier it was to have the same surname as my children. Any mums with children who had different surnames who travelled to the island via the USA usually travelled with copies of birth certificates and notarised letters from the fathers to prove they had permission to travel with the children. My advice would be give your child your surname.

I highly recommend standing your ground and using your own surname. Not even double barrelled. You never know what the future holds. I was married for years and he left. And now he’s refusing to allow me to change the children’s surname to mine even though he hasn’t visited them for two years. I have changed my kids surnames on everything except passport now. And they have to wait until they are 16 to change to mine. Even though they want to do that now. Highly highly recommend everyone to keep their own surname even when getting happily married etc as you don’t know what the future holds. A lovely kind understanding man will happily change his surname to yours so you can all be the same. Why should a woman change her and her children’s surnames and not the man?

You will absolutely regret not double barrelling the surname, I regret this massively !

It doesn’t sound like a great relationship that’s going to last and so your surname should be part of your child’s name. You don’t have to argue you simply need to tell the registrar what the name is, he literally gets no say in this.
If this is a dealbreaker for him, so be it, he sounds awful anyway.

Not the actual fact that he wants the surname or whatever but the story around it. Major red flags 🚩
You should either put your foot down (he is basically gaslighting you) or just bin him

It starts small…