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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby's surname

124 replies

zombiefred · 24/11/2023 11:27

I've been with my dp for less than a year, the pregnancy was unplanned and a big shock but we're all happy and my dp loves being a dad.
I still had my ex husbands surname but have recently changed it by deed poll and am now using my middle name as my surname as I didn't want to go back to my maiden name.
When I was pregnant we agreed dds surname will be double barrel, my new surname and then his dads side of his surname as he also has a double barrel name.
The issue is I'm not keen on his dads surname and worry dd will get bullied because of it but now he's saying he doesn't want to use my new surname at all and is very passionate about this saying I'm disrespecting his family name which I can see his pov but it's not just the fact I don't like the name but really we hardly know each other yet I feel like he's claiming dd as solely his and solely part of his culture but I want her name to be part of me too. He says my surname is just made up but it's going to be my surname for the rest of my life now and has always been part of my name.
We had a discussion yesterday about it he said he only agreed to double barrel the name because he didn't want to stress me out while pregnant, he got very passionate with his rant yesterday and actually scared me and I just shut down and cried and couldn't voice my opinion. He said he'll only double barrel dds name if my ex husband will agree to change our 7yo sons name to add my new surname and double barrel it which I know he definitely won't.
But now we're acting like nothing happened, I think he thinks I've agreed but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable just because I don't like his surname or if it's fair to double barrel it. I don't feel like I can voice my opinion properly either as I struggle to get what's in my brain out into words and I know he'll have a comeback to everything I say.

OP posts:

Keepitrealnomists · 27/11/2023 14:21

As a child of double barrelled surname of divorced parents, do not do it. Baby gets your surname only and if by some miracle you get married you can change it then.
I ended up with different surnames to my parents, my mother remarried and took a new surname and I shared part of my surname with my dad, I hated it!

BrimfulOfMash · 27/11/2023 17:03

Keepitrealnomists · 27/11/2023 14:21

Or the Op could get married and not change her name! Shame your Mum changed her name for every man.

The sooner it becomes the norm (or at least normal) for babies to take the mother’s surname, and men to take a woman’s name, the better, IMO.

Keepitrealnomists · 27/11/2023 17:53

As long as mother and child share the same name, his or hers it doesn't matter as long as its the same. In this case it should be her name.

Crazydonkeylady · 27/11/2023 23:05

Give your child your name only and exclude his entirely. It’s your choice. You’re not married and can name your child as you wish. Honestly I’d be running away from this relationship but obviously that’s not my decision to make and nor is the surname. It is yours though. Not being married to you he does not have the same rights as you automatically.

Confusedmeanderings · 27/11/2023 23:11

Moonwatcher1234 · 27/11/2023 23:12

Hetty356 · 26/11/2023 20:59

He shouldn’t be trying to change your 7 year old son’s name. You have every right to give your child a double barrel name without him putting in conditions.

Couldn’t agree more. Please be careful OP - he should not be using your 7 year old as a pawn in this “battle”. I’m sure you will anyway but please be wary. Sorry to say but there are a few red flags here not least the fact that you have not known him for long.

Pumpkinspice13 · 27/11/2023 23:35

I would go and register baby alone. You can add father in at a later date when you make a decision.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/11/2023 23:43

Onceuponaheartache · 24/11/2023 12:48

Honestly, register her without him present and LTB ASAP.

His ehaviour is abusive, manipulative, gaslighting to name just a few. This will only escalate and you need to protect yourself and both your children.

I agree

TheSilkLady · 28/11/2023 04:08

I’m really sorry this is all giving me huge red flags.

he sounds very controlling, if he’s like this now it will only get worse once baby is here. If your scared of him and it sounds like you do have moments of fear what is he going to be like with your little girl. Is he like that with your son?

do you live in the UK or on the island ? Do you have any plans to move there ? If not how will she be proud because his dad is well know ?

normally I’m the really logical one who is he’s has rights blah blah.

please talk to someone who loves you so they can look after you while you have messed up baby brain.

good luck but don’t be forced into staying with this man if you feel you’ve made a mistake you will cope and people will help.

RainbowNinja77 · 28/11/2023 06:53

Use your surname only - then run.

Donetrying1 · 28/11/2023 09:57

I was a single mum of 2 it was hard work but preferable to being with someone unpleasant who made me feel scared.
The issue isn’t the name, it really isn’t.
The issue is the man.
Please consider leaving this man, there are SO many red flags, you’ve only known him 5 minutes, be kind to yourself-life will go on for you, it really will. There are far many worse things than being a lone parent-like feeling scared.

Original poster

zombiefred · 28/11/2023 10:50

I agree with you all I won't tolerate being scared, I've been in an abusive relationship before and I swore never again especially now I have children and I'm aware of how the cycle of abuse works so for me if anything happens again I will definitely get rid as I said before I'm not afraid to be a single parent we don't live together yet anyway he's just been staying over a lot lately as I had a c section and I have no intention of moving him in permanently anytime soon either.

He came to me yesterday and he must have realised he was in the wrong because he simply said I'm right to have my name on the birth certificate too and we can double barrel, his name then my name. I'm happy with that and at least dd has the choice when she's older to use my surname day to day and only double barrel for official things.

Also we live in the uk and I have no intention to ever move to his island.

OP posts:

waitholdup · 28/11/2023 11:24

Well done OP - this is still a red flag though

He said he'll only double barrel dds name if my ex husband will agree to change our 7yo sons name to add my new surname and double barrel it which I know he definitely won't.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 28/11/2023 14:06

Honestly OP this will sound harsh but you’d be foolish to put him or his name anywhere near the birth certificate.

You don’t need to wait for anything else to happen, this has been enough. His behaviour to a new mum has red flags all over it and now he’s all gracious saying you, yes you who gave birth, you have the right to have your name on the birth certificate and you think all is well. He is the one without the ‘right’ to have his name on the birth certificate.

Sunnydays60 · 28/11/2023 16:33

We used both our names. Mine is last. Also we didn't hyphenate and the lady that registered us said there's not much difference but you can drop one for day to day use more easily that way (although legally you still have to be called both). I will say though that with baby brain, I registered her for some things using both names and some only mine and sometimes making an appointment can be interesting now 🤦‍♀️

I guess what he was trying to say is that he wants his name used to honour his heritage and is implying you don't have any if you're just using your middle name as your surnameh. The important thing is that you are creating your child's heritage a fresh from your side, starting now. You're allowed and your name is still a part of you. So what if you both place different importance on previous family members and names. It is important to you that an official part of you is an official part of your child and that should be held in as high regard as he holds his links to his history. It's as simple as that. It's only right that he's backed down, I just hope this isn't a sign of other things to come but I'm glad you don't seem too scared to pull the plug if needed. All the best xx

Kattiekat · 28/11/2023 19:27

Your name first!!! Always.

Roto15 · 28/11/2023 22:26

I really would fight for this OP. It’s such a nightmare for travelling etc if you have different names and your name is nowhere with the child. Also your DP sounds a bit overbearing and oppressive to pretend all was fine with the names ans now to bully you about it, so I’d be a bit worried about the future given such a new relationship.

Me and DH are married but DS has both as I was very clear I wasn’t changing my name. My husband thought I’d change my mind once baby was born and was a bit annoyed when I didn’t but didn’t argue about it. I’d always been clear that keeping my name was a non negotiable (I have my mums surname and my parents are also married) it’s a principle thing. I offered to change name to a new name that we could all have, or to all have the double barrelled name just wouldn’t take his surname. Needless to say he decided it was ‘too difficult’ if it involved him - apparently hard for a man to change his surname!!

Simplehi · 28/11/2023 23:58

When your baby is born its last name with be recorded as yours until you register the baby. He can either agree to the double barrell or you can keep it as your last name. Why should you care about "disrespecting his family"!? What about the disrespect to you of trying to push your last name out? You aren't married, and with an attitude like that I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't remain your boyfriend, so keep you baby with your last name.

TheSilkLady · 29/11/2023 02:55

I’m glad he’s seen sense but remember in the back of your head that’s classic abuse behaviour. The next day being all sorry. You’ve been there don’t take any chances you and your babies deserve more. All that aside congrats on the baby I didn’t realise it was born. I hope you’re enjoying every second and your sons enjoying his big brother duties.

Munkimoo · 29/11/2023 17:55

Sounds like he's showing his true colours here and there's some red flags imo. You don't legally have to have him with you when you register DD. You can add him on later on maybe when things calm down. Don't allow him to bully you on this. You don't owe him anything after 12 months of being together, regardless of your daughter. You just need to make sure she's safe and if he's safe to be around her, for them to have a relationship, regardless of her surname. Stay strong mom's, your doing a great job and have done nothing won't wanting to share your daughter's name. Your son is a completely different matter, you were married.

Hereforaglance · 17/10/2024 07:14

Did you not know his surname before all tjis or is the surname only came to light after the pregnancy it his kid to you were happy to mzke the child with him but dont want him to have any further say by the sounds of it

SoiledMyselfDuringSomeTurbulence · 17/10/2024 07:24

Hereforaglance · 17/10/2024 07:14

That's two older threads with fathers who are being dicks about surnames that you've dug up this morning.

CurlewKate · 17/10/2024 08:15

Hyphenate if you must. But really, I think you should give the baby your name and get as far away from this man as you can. He sounds, frankly, awful.

And whatever you do, make sure your contraception is rock solid.

moofolk · 14/01/2025 16:42

Give the baby your name. If your partner wants the same name as the baby he can change his too.

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