Highly sensitive empath burn out

[Keepingscore]

So, this is me and looking for opinions on how to manage this trait, especially at work. I work in the charity sector so whilst being empathic and a degree of sensitivity is good when supporting our users and their families it isn't so good working in a toxic team culture, my team members do not share my sensitivity or empathic approach.

It affects me to the point where I am not able to work in a room where there is a lot of negativity, gossip and narcissim. I find it draining. I appreciate we can't all work in positive environments but how do I get over this? it is getting me down and I am regularly burnt out.

This has always been an issue for me so indeed the less people I work with in a team or office the better i am. However this is not always possible, at least not in my field of work. I have pretty good boundaries and don't take on more work than is necessary, I look after my needs and generally say No when I don't want to do something.

Is there anybody who is also an empath/highly sensitive who can share some nuggets of wisdom?

Why the need for the label, OP? Is this another insta trend? Those silly self-styled life coach/counsellor people espousing all sorts of rubbish as if they're a great guru in Life and How to Live It, all said in VERY CLEAR SERIOUS TONES.

You sound completely average to me (and there's nothing wrong with that). Some people are just "nicer" and more thoughtful towards/of others than other people who are more selfish/care a bit less. Sometimes the selfish/care a bit less people are obvious about it. Sometimes they're not. Sometimes they kid theselves that they are in the "nice" bracket. It's just the melting pot that is PEOPLE.

While the expression “empath” seems to be irritating to a lot of posters, I do also think some people are simply more observant of others and their emotions and facial expressions and body language than others. I know I am more observant and more attuned to other people than my DH. It makes it tiring for me to be in company. He is a bit more thick skinned and tends to broadcast more whereas I am thinner skinned and receive.

Surely we can agree there are these differences between people?

OP, I think a bit of eye rolling is understandably going to meet your post. You are saying your colleagues are insensitive and have no empathy, you haven't mentioned any of their good points. You then go on to complain about their negativity! The double standard is just a bit glaring!

Autism and NPD are both diagnosable conditions, there’s nothing ‘unkind’ at pointing out that a person obsessed with their ‘specialness’ or having extreme sensitivity to emotions can be either (or any other condition that causes similar traits). But being an ‘empath’ is not a condition. Simply symptomatic of a real issue that the person needs to find adequate support for.

Unfortunately, mental health support for ASD in particular is non existent. Once diagnosed, most people are just expected to get on with it, and more and more of their self declared ‘specialness’ which is obviously and easily explained as part of autism is now being buried and denied and rebuilt as other disorders. At least NPD is recognised as serious and causing delusional behaviour. But that’s a whole other thread.

OP, you also say you look after your needs and don't do something when you don't want to do it. Who is going to do it then? How is it going to get done if everyone is looking after their needs and refusing to do it? You're employed to do a job which means doing what you are asked to do. How does your manager respond when you say you won't do something that you have been asked to do?

@Nonoatchristmas I don't think potential empaths/HSP are necessarily 'obsessed with their specialness', more that they're just trying to navigate their way through what often feels like a very draining and painful world. I imagine autism feels similar, and maybe other things too, but it doesn't mean they're all the same condition/diagnosis. Anyway, my main point really was, whatever we think, we can still try our best to be kind and understanding (even if we're struggling to understand).

🤣🤣🤣 That’s your proof that empaths exist??? A quote?

Having empathy for assholes is extremely pragmatic, not empathetic, and it’s extremely common. Emotionally intelligent, pragmatic people can understand that “arseholes” are using that way because of something they’ve been through. Plenty of people have watched documentaries about horrific serial killers and hear about their horrible childhoods and can feel empathy that they are (at least in part) a product of their trauma. That isn’t unusual and it isn’t being an empath.

Yes I agree with this, i liken it to the same way that the social battery is drained/charged by social situations, depending on if the person is an introvert or an extrovert.

How to manage this trait= stop believing you have a non-existent thing that's making you feel bad.

I would count myself as highly sensitive and I think we are extremely difficult people to work with/have as an employee as we are so self focussed and sensitive to our surroundings.

What a load of nonsense. Honestly I am glad I escaped this period of madness and do not have to work in an office anymore . Call me when the world is back to normal. 😂

im not wasting my time on someone who doesn’t think it exists

Okay, so it doesn't mean being caring or nicer towards people then.

I was just curious because I know it isn't a formal diagnosis So it is going to be more open to different interpretations.

I was considering whether it was people who described themselves as empaths believed they felt more emotions, or struggled to process emotions effectively or observed and responded to more emotions than others. Do they recognize their responses as emotional dysregulation similar to that experienced by people with ADHD and autism or do they think it is quite different?

But the OP isn't being kind and understanding to her colleagues. She's slagging them off!

If validating delusions and self belief systems based on deeply held feelings and no fact is ‘kind’, then I will just have to be mean I’m afraid. Being an empath isn’t real, it is just symptomatic of Sensory Processing Disorder/autism/narcissism/PTSD or similar, diagnosable conditions.

How does anyone think it's going to help to poke fun and laugh at OP? She's a person who isn't comfortable at work, and is wondering how to fix it because she feels she's too sensitive.

Are any of you aware at all how unpleasant and child-like it is to do all this jeery stuff?

Everyone I’ve met who claims to be an empath loves putting themselves at the centre of other people’s pain, drama or grief, and making it somehow all about them

The only two self-proclaimed ‘empaths’ I’ve met were exactly like this. There may be others, but these two went on and on. And one said she couldn’t sit near me anymore as my own recent trauma was destroying her. She had people comforting her about my trauma. What the fuck. 😂 I accept this probably colours my judgement.

Surely we can agree there are these differences between people?
I think most people accept there's differences between people.

Very few people would say that everyone is equally sensitive and in tune with other people. Few people would doubt that some people are good at reading body language, good at picking up social cues, good at cultivating conversations that put people at ease, good at noticing when someone isn't themselves. That doesn't make them empaths though and lots of people have those skills. Most don't view this as a remarkable or unique quality.

In my experience the people who are good at understanding people aren't the same people who call themselves empaths.

If someone is in a toxic working in environment and they're not in a position to shape organisational culture then it's worth finding a new job.
If someone is unable to handle normal human levels of negativity and cannot function in an environment where they are around colleagues then they would probably benefit from talking to someone professional about it to establish the root cause.

It affects me to the point where I am not able to work in a room where there is a lot of negativity, gossip and narcissim. I find it draining.

This is just normal. Anyone would find that draining.

What are we meant to do? Say, 'How awful for you that you are the lone nice person in a sea of awful people, poor you!' which is essentially how the OP seems to see her situation.

If you had more empathy you'd already know the answers to those questions 😂

This is your opinion, which you're of course allowed to have.

How on earth do you conclude that?
What do you think empathy means?

@Hibiscrubbed - Wow, sorry you had to put up with that.

@Keepingscore How about seeing your GP for some evidence based help with the difficulties you're experiencing? Or it seems like maybe you should just change jobs if you think the people you work with are particularly toxic.

On that purely practical note leave charity work.
The people working alongside you may very well be totally burnt out and it sounds as their coping strategies are clashing badly with your work needs.
Find a role that is in a different less emotional field, see if you can find a role with more opportunities for WFH.
If you can afford PT work seriously consider that.
Look after your own mental health actively and with intentionality.

I don’t think you are going to get sensible advice because you haven’t really described the problem. If I had to summarise what you said it would boil down to ‘I’m nice, my colleagues aren’t, they gossip a lot and I don’t like working with them’.

All anyone can say to that (which they have been saying) is ‘how can you be so sure you are nice and they aren’t’ and ‘most workplaces are similar but perhaps yours is particularly awful in which case look for a new job’

Which isn’t very helpful because neither you nor we can really judge how bad it is.

Perhaps if you were a bit more specific, for example ‘I have a colleague who is repeatedly, in my hearing, gossiping to her colleague about a third person. I know and like all 3 of them, how do I deal with this and keep my relationships with all of them’ you may get more help.

It would probably also help you to think of it as an external situation you might be able to fix rather than an internal one that you probably couldn’t.