Grandparents took my daughter to A&E without letting us know

[2828r]

Am, I being unreasonable? I'll just set out the facts. The kids stayed out at their grandparents last weekend and went to a skate park. My daughter fell down some stairs and hurt her leg.

My wife had just finished a run of night shifts and we were expecting the kids back around 1:30. When they turned up at 2:30 my parents said they had taken my daughter to A&E to have her checked out, but hadn't told us as my wife had just finished nights and they didn't want to worry her.

My daughter was fine, just a little bruised and shaken by the experience. We later found out from her that she had fainted which caused the fall. My parents weren't aware of the fainting incident and just thought she'd had a clumsy moment.

We feel that if a child is taken to A&E, we should know about it straight away as grandparents don't hold parental responsibility and can't consent to treatment if required. Although our daughter was fine, children present differently to adults and tend to compensate very well then suddenly deteriorate, she could easily have had some other internal injury.

This is a fundamental disagreement, my parents think they were being considerate with my wife having just finished nights. We feel it's more important to be informed if an incident is serious enough to warrant a trip to A&E

I think I’d rather they just get her medical treatment straight away if they think she needs it without them worrying that they need to try and get hold of me first.

as PP’s have said, if she needed treatment that required parental consent then the hospital would have requested that and you would have been called anyway. As it was, she’s fine so just be thankful for that and move on.

Oh dear… not being trusted to reliably look after the children would be NOT taking them to A+E following an accident!
Not immediately contacting sleeping parents is not an example of not looking after children 😂

No I didn't need childcare, as I explained, they had been out with my parents to watch the Christmas lights switch on. The suggestion of therm staying over was sprung on me on the doorstep, my daughter very much wanted to go. As to the reason why, my parents pester for them to stay, and I can pretty much guarantee the kids won't be in bed or settled at an early enough time so the following days are much more tricky to manage as we find their medication doesn't work as well when not rested. For the record I am not happy for them to step in when it suits. We planned our life from very early on not to need childcare. I get that other people might need the support but we don't. never have. My parents past and current behaviour tends to lead to more issues at home. But I am trying hard not to say no even though its not in our or the kids best interests.

When people are overly anxious and controlling it’s easier not to involve them and just report the outcome afterwards. Ask them why they didn’t tell you, ask them to be honest.

So you’re firstly blaming the grandparents for not telling your 14 year old to take off her jumper before she went skateboarding? And somehow the fainting episode never would have happend if they had just been paying more attention and told her to take off her jumper.

Yeah they should have given you a quick call to let you know they were taking her to A&E, but sometimes in the moment hindsight can be a wonderful thing. Thank them for taking her and say please call us next time if anything like this happens again, you won’t be bothering us and we would rather know.

Your children obviously like being with their grandparents if they chose to go. Don’t ruin their relationship with them over this.

Many of your replies are a result of not sharing the whole story initially, as was mine. I still feel if you have this degree of issues as highlighted in subsequent posts the more the GPs are involved the better. They sound extremely supportive at least what can be construed from your posts. I'd be grateful for everything they did. 🤷‍♀️

There is no such thing as “not wanting to worry the parents” when it’s something that directly relates to their children. YANBU

I mean if it was my child, if they had been properly injured requiring A&E and the grandparents hadn't called me I'd be very upset.

However if it was a case of "they seem to be completely fine but we'll get them checked at A&E just in case" then I'd probably be happy not to be woken after a string of night shifts.

So I wouldn't really blame them for this - but if you do want them to call you even in situation b) then perhaps just let them know that.

It all sounds quite stressful though OP so I hope you are all feeling better now.

There is a difference between nit needing childcare and fostering a relationship with the grandparents - from your tone there are clearly some underlying issues between you and your parents.

because this shouldn’t be a disagreement yiu say thank you but next time don’t worry about nights let us know please

They had the right intentions. I think this would be more of an issue if your child had been knocked unconscious and blue lighted to hospital without you knowing. They were getting her checked over as they weren't sure it was serious.

Just tell then that you'd prefer to know and not to worry bout bothering you at work next time.

Don't fall out over it. I bet they feel bad enough that she got hurt on their watch.
I suspect that like lots of people you're not comfortable of gps stepping into 'parent role' like they did today but the hospital would have had to contact you if there were issues.

They meant well.

You've had the conversation now so they'll know to tell you in future (though God willing they'll never need to.) Problem solved.

I think that you've clearly done a great job dealing with really complex issues with your children and you are managing it really well.

Your parents just want to.do normal grandparents things and as you say don't acknowledge the multiple issues.

You need to decide whether you do trust them, and then let them have a relationship without you there, and things may go slightly wrong.

Or you don't, in which case you need to always be with the grandparents

If your DD was distressed don't you think going straight to A&E was a good idea? Dealt with quickly, no issues and then taken home. Sounds normal to me.

If it was my daughter who had, as your daughter did, just fell down and hurt her leg then no, it wouldn't bother me that they hadn't called straight away. If it was anything more serious then yes, I'd expect an immediate phone call.

I do (gently) think you're being unreasonable. I do appreciate however that others will have a different view on this.

Even in light of your updates, I think you’re massively overreacting.
It sounds as if your DCs had a really rough start in life, and the more people who love them and look out for them now, the better.

YABU. Don't use the GPs for childcare in future - after all what would they know about looking after children???

Although our daughter was fine, children present differently to adults and tend to compensate very well then suddenly deteriorate, she could easily have had some other internal injury.

Oh, so the hospital staff would not be able to work that out for themselves??

I don't know anyone who would react like this - the normal people I know would simply have been grateful that their child was taken to be checked out. Your child was fine, this is a complete overreaction.

@2828r

Set all the emotional issues aside for a moment. Down to the nitty gritty this was an error in judgement. Chances are you probably never sat down with them and said "Now, Mum & Dad, if there is EVER a medical emergency, you need to call us right away no matter what". So your parents exercised their best judgement and made the call not to inform you of DD's accident. Turns out they were wrong and in your opinion they should have called no matter what time or who was sleeping. But do you really want to cause a huge brou-ha-ha over a misjudgment?

You need to calm yourself down and find your equilibrium. Your DD needs you to be calm and not start a 'thing' with grandparents that she obviously loves and trusts. YWB massively U if you let this one issue affect her relationship with her grandparents or your parents relationship with you. If, on calm reflection, you feel that there needs to be more discussion with your parents about how to look after your DC, or you need to put in place stricter rules, then have that calm and rational discussion.

FWIW I'm a biological parent of 2 grown sons. But I'm also an adopted child. I don't know why you feel that a biological parent would feel or react any differently than an adoptive parent. I certainly never noticed any difference in my parents 'parenting' of us (DB and I both adopted) as compared to my friend's parents. Nor did I ever detect any difference in the love they showed my children. If you're talking about 'special needs' that's one thing. But even then, bio and adoptive parents would probably parent pretty much the same. Don't put yourself in a different category because you've adopted your children. I assure you, you're just 'Mum and Dad' to them.

FWIW they should have called you, but it has nothing to do with the additional needs of your DD. Parents should always be informed if their child is injured or becomes ill, no matter who is caring for them.

Completely agree with you, they should have told you. As a parent it would bother me what time of day or how tired I was I would still want to know.

Perhaps i missed it in your posts. What was the reason they didn't contact YOU. Your DW being on nights is an acceptable reason not to contact her due to being asleep but you seem to imply that's the only reason they didn't contact either of you.

But honestly, if you don't trust them to look after your child in an emergency then you shouldn't leave your child alone with them at all.

It's not hard to make a phone call. I'd have no preith them taking dc but I expect a phone call to sY hey such and such happened going to er to be safe

Has your daughter got her own mobile? Teens that age will certainly text parents if they have one.

Especially in unusual situations like this.

It’s not the phone all itself it’s the reaction

judging by the reaction that’s caused this thread

if they would of rung there’d if been a dramatic race to the hospital and massive drama probably didn’t ring to avoid that

ThePineapplePrincess · Yesterday 13:55

x2boys · Yesterday 13:49

Yes how irresponsible if them to take a child to A&E 🙄
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And neglected to inform their parents.

What else are they hiding because they think it’s best?

They didn’t neglect to tell the parents - they told them later, when shiftvworker had had some sleep, because the child was absolutely fine. YABU

Exactly. If I was the grandparent, after looking after Ur kids, being responsible taking them to A&E, trying not to worry u etc etc ..if I'd met with Ur attitude, I'd be handing back and smiling sweetly and not doing it again.

Dear god in heaven.