Grandparents took my daughter to A&E without letting us know

[2828r]

Am, I being unreasonable? I'll just set out the facts. The kids stayed out at their grandparents last weekend and went to a skate park. My daughter fell down some stairs and hurt her leg.

My wife had just finished a run of night shifts and we were expecting the kids back around 1:30. When they turned up at 2:30 my parents said they had taken my daughter to A&E to have her checked out, but hadn't told us as my wife had just finished nights and they didn't want to worry her.

My daughter was fine, just a little bruised and shaken by the experience. We later found out from her that she had fainted which caused the fall. My parents weren't aware of the fainting incident and just thought she'd had a clumsy moment.

We feel that if a child is taken to A&E, we should know about it straight away as grandparents don't hold parental responsibility and can't consent to treatment if required. Although our daughter was fine, children present differently to adults and tend to compensate very well then suddenly deteriorate, she could easily have had some other internal injury.

This is a fundamental disagreement, my parents think they were being considerate with my wife having just finished nights. We feel it's more important to be informed if an incident is serious enough to warrant a trip to A&E

Anyone caring for your child must do what is reasonable at the time, for the safety and wellbeing of the child,including consenting to medical treatment.

The information in your update is relevant to your opening post because your parents DO know your children's history and are choosing to override it.

Having patented traumatised DC, done all the kinds of work you’ve been doing, I completely understand your perspective and also the difficulty getting other people to recognise it. There’s a tendency to think you are too strict/permissive/risk averse. A tendency to adopt a ‘do it and apologise later’ approach.

To be honest barely anyone wanted mine unsupervised, as they were such a handful!

It’s a balancing act. I’m really sorry they overstepped this time. Do you think the consequences will be manageable? Because if they are, then no harm done.

I really struggle to think of any situation where it is justified to withhold information from an adult with capacity (in particular) "so as not to worry them", so I definitely vote YANBU. If people don't have good information they can't make good choices.

They just want to be grandparents and do as they please. Which often is not in the best interest of the children. Don't get me wrong, they are kind and generous and they love their grandchildren, but from day one they couldn't seem to grasp that they had their time as parents and constantly overstepped the mark. We wanted go buy them piggy banks and they turned up with two, we wanted to buy them advent calendars and the same with that, we wanted to mark their heights not he wall and they turn up with a wall chart. We'd already missed all the firsts with a baby but they kept on taking what few firsts we had left. That and the total overstimulation and giving in to my sons ceaseless demands when we were trying to teach him structure. So yes, we are frustrated by them. Accidents happen, but pound to a penny, she wouldn't have fainted due to overheating if we were there because I'd tell her to take her heavy jumper off before doing physical exercise. So yes, we are pretty exhausted.

I do get the frustration IL can be very like this - and for a long time refused to take safety seriously - they did't have the kids alone till that changed.

Other thing like buying them stuff first - learnt to keep quiet and roll where possible - spend the money elsewhere etc.

At 14 though - she is old enough to know to take her jacket off - and she has had 10 years of a good home and development and rest of that post focuses on what she was like not who she is now - make sure you see what she is now capable of now not where she started.

The DGP are unlikely to change so it's all about clear expectations and management of them - so tell them you expect a phone call if in A&E - if that not possible for them to meet don't allow them alone with the kids without a parent there.

If it was something like head injury I’d be furious. Checking out her leg, not so much.

Since you are the only ones who can sign a consent form. As you have PR, they absolutely should have told you. It's surprising how many grandparents think they can consent on your behalf.

Stop relying on the GP and PAY someone more qualified.

I keep on saying, I don't need childcare, Ive never needed childcare

You may not need childcare but do your children need a relationship with their grandparents? Imperfect as they are, (wilfully) ignorant of the issues affecting adopted children as they are, I'd guess the answer is yes.

Much as you'd like to be, you cannot always be there for your children. Be proud of your dd. She managed a stressful situation without you and leant on you for the reassurance and support she needed when she was back home. That's actually a good outcome.

It's the doctor and nurses responsibility to check consent, why didn't they call you. If you believe they often do not act in your dc best interests then do not let them have them without a parent being there,

I completely agree OP. My mum has DD and is 79. I've noticed her awareness and ability to pick up on things, isn't quite what it was. Her reactions are noticeably slower than before (she's always been very sharp & very on the ball. Worked in finance her entire career). I'm not saying I don't trust her - course I do and she's great with DD they have a lovely bond. Proper storybook Grandma and she does still look after her, but I wouldn't want her to be responsible for DD in a crisis like a hospital visit where she needed to be observant of any signs of concussion for example.

YABVU Very. Your parents were doing you a favour and were being considerate of your wife.

And they raised you. They’re not exactly incompetent or ignorant as parents.

Accept their care with good grace. Next time discuss with them that YOU (not your sleeping wife - night shifts are tough enough) don’t mind being phoned if something like this happens again.

I would say they just did what they though was right. They had your kids over a weekend which is very nice of them, they took her to hospital no doubt knowing she was ok but just to be sure. They no doubt would have phoned immediately if it appeared serious. Give them a break they now know you need to be informed immediately.

So the excuse about not calling because your wife was on nights is just spurious? They could have called you? I’m less surprised at your anger(?annoyance?frustration?) with them over this particular incident. I also see how it stems from their more general attitude/way of grandparenting that you describe.

Kids of 12 and 14 need childcare over night. They are too young not to be with responsible carers for that length of time and for that sort of transition. You know your parents aren’t capable of seeing past their own ideas of how to be grandparents to really respond to your kids’ needs. So you probably shouldn’t be letting them have them overnight at the moment even if it’s driven by the kids’ desire for a sleepover. Find other ways to let them bond with your parents that doesn’t leave your kids for so long with people they don’t trust enough to confide in when things aren’t right.

Of course an accident leading to a trip to A&E (or most other incidents) can happen even on a short trip, it doesn’t have to be an overnight stay, and at 12 and 14 your kids need some independence from you. So it might be worth working on teaching them when to call when they’re out and about. If you can rely on them to keep you informed, you can give them more freedom to be with people who don’t respond to their needs appropriately, because you know your kids will call when you are needed to plug holes.

I would be annoyed too. Doctors sometimes have a tendency to play God and I wouldn't want my DC left alone with them.

However, the GPs were well intentioned, just a bit misguided, so this isn't something to have a big fight about. Just thank them and then make it clear that you need to be contacted going forward. Is there some concern that they won't be receptive to this feedback?

Given the nature of the incident (hurt leg) this would not bother me particularly. I would be more concerned about the fainting, but you say they didn't know about that. It was responsible of them to take her to get checked out, at least they are not neglectful.

It's very confusing @2828r the way you're quoting other posters. Can you not make the quotes italic, or bold - or even just use punctuation marks?!

But you did need childcare while your dw worked nights. You chose to let them stay overnight. Would you have been available to look after them yourself until lunchtime next day? If so, why did you not decline and do so, particularly given their additional needs and concerns as to how gp handle them. It feels as if you are happy to allow them to step in when it suits but looking for opportunities to criticise.

They took your daughter to A&E when they felt it appropriate . If you don't want that, then stop using them as free childcare.🙄

Maybe they thought they were being over cautious and didn’t want to worry you. I can’t imagine a situation where I would get pissy about someone seeking medical care for my injured child. If it had been something more serious - which they were in the right place to ascertain - I’m sure they or the hospital would have contacted you.

WTF? It sounds to me like they looked after the child very well and did exactly the right thing in taking her to A&E. A ban on unsupervised contact is a complete overreaction. All the OP has to do is explain how she feels and that if anything like that happens again to let her know immediately. Simple.

This, I think. If tue relationship is otherwise good I’d say that you appreciated them having her and taking such good care of her and you can see that it came from a good place but if there is ever a next time, to tell you straightaway.

Just wanted to send you some love and say kudos to you OP. It’s bloody hard having the sort of adoption journey your family has had. I don’t think there’s a right answer to your AIBU. You feel how you feel, for very understandable reasons. Your parents made the call they felt was right in the circumstances, with the information available to them, and their reasons are understandable too.

Nobody on this thread can tell you if your daughter would have been assessed as Gillick competent or not, but for what it’s worth, I think the main thing Is that she’s ok now physically and that your family can use this experience to think through how you as parents want to be communicated with in future.

Sending you all good wishes for the teen years x

OP has made it clear he didn’t need childcare. Kids were out with grandparents for the day and wanted to stay over. They could have gone home and been with OP.

Wife working nights is irrelevant, OP was home - which makes the grandparents using it as a reason for not calling when they decided to go to A&E somewhat spurious.

I'm sure if there had been anything serious you would have been alerted immediately and rightly so. The doctors were able to confirm the child had no serious concerns then she was taken home. The trouble is we rely on GPs to take care of children then the least thing they do that we as parents don't agree with we feel we are within our rights to call them out. If you don't want GPs to make decisions regarding childrens welfare then don't ask them to take on the responsibility.