Thank you cards - DH's family

[Dayatatime208]

So I was brought up that if you stay with someone for the weekend, or go to a big event that they've paid for, you write a thank you note. My DH's family come to stay but they don't bring anything (I mean just a small something, like chocs or a bottle) or write thank you notes.They are good people, but this rubs me up the wrong way, and I don't feel I can say anything to DH. They are his family - and similarly, he went with my to my brother's big, smart 50th dinner recently - all paid for by my brother. And it was just me who wrote a thank you card, though I got him to sign it. He's a lovely partner and a good man. But I struggle with this as I think it's rude... I think it's just different upbringings (we are from quite different backgrounds) and that doesn't bother me, but I do think thank you notes are important in some cases. WWYD? I guess it's just clearly something he and his family have never been told to do, whereas I had it drilled into me as a child!

Honestly, it would never occur to me to write a thank you note for going to a family members party. And if staying with family/ friends for the weekend when it is the sort of thing where you are reciprocating or its a casual 'stay over when we go to the footy' thing, I probably wouldn't take anything and for sure wouldn't do a thank you card.

I write thank you letters for presents and to hosts after major events (I've never bothered to get cards specifically, just whatever stationery is to hand)

These days of course an email can substitute for a letter, unless you know the recipient really does not like that method. And of course it's nice to get a real letter on the mat rather than marketing or admin stuff

Yes, I think it is upbringing, and I doubt there will be much meeting of minds between those who get all self-righteous about "I don't give with conditions/don't expect thanks" (and unconditional generosity is of course a good thing) and those who see the exchange of presents and thanks as a form of mutual social interaction that strengthens ties through reciprocity of action.

Do they say something like "Thank you for having us" or otherwise show appreciation of your hosting? I think it very strange to write a thank you card after the fact for something that happened in person.

If someone invites you to something it's polite to say thank you but writing notes is very dated (and not good for the environment) you shouldn't expect gifts for hosting someone that you invited to your house, this is rude. Do you not visit them so it equals out?

This is helpful. Thank you. I think I've been brought up in quite an old fashioned family who all do this, that's all! It's whatever is your 'normal' I guess, and everyone I grew up with does this - but it's sort of good to know it's not the 'norm' for most people! Thanks.

I don't like thank you notes, I say thank uou at the time or I bring stuff

I get DC to send cards to thank for presents. Has never occurred to me to send a thank you for an event. I think you're being OTT with that.

I have always sent thank you cards or letters in these circumstances, and still do. I always take gifts for hosts. It is just basic good manners. If people aren't going to write, then I would expect a text or email instead. I mean, why wouldn't you?

I would take flowers or wine or something.
I would send a thank you card for something someone did specifically for me rather than for hosting an event

@Hbh17 yes that's what I originally thought. I don't get a text even. I just find it a bit uncomfortable so I end up thanking them for coming instead, ha ha!

I never write thank you notes. I say thank you at the time, often send a text after something like a party but it’s usually as part of a longer chat.

If I’m staying with someone, I do take a gift of some sort in some situations. With friends, that would be too formal for us though. If I sent them a thank you card, they would think wtf. 🤣 We see each other a lot, talk a lot so a card would be odd.

I don’t know anyone that writes thank you cards now, the last one was an elderly relative but she died a few years ago. Even she got into texting thanks and loved that it saved her money on stamps. 😂

@Ohdearwhatnow4 I would always take his mum a gift - just something like homemade jam or whatever - when I go and stay with her. I think it's polite.

I wouldn't take my parents a gift, or DH his parents or expect any. I'd be uncomfortable with that degree of formality between family

always take a small gift.
send a thank you for a gift.
send a thank you for a weekend / fancy party.
'tis good manners.

@DappledThings That's actually helpful, thanks. I think I come from quite a formal family, then. I guess it's just whatever you're used to. My family aren't v close.

I would expect a small gift or thank you card from a non family member who came to stay, but not my parents or my PILs.

Also worth pointing out we've not been together v long, so I guess still all feels quite 'new' and old expectations there.

I think it comes down to the level of expectation. We don't never do it. Sometimes my parents will bring a bottle of wine of they are coming and vice versa which is all fine. But I would find it odd if it was every time and it was because it was expected rather than spontaneous.

Probably not very logical!

"I mean why wouldn't you?"

I wouldn't because I've said thanks to their faces. Why go home and then say thanks again?

I think as long as some thank you has been said, then that should be enough. I would be happy to receive a verbal thank you from guests when they are leaving and don't expect written notes. It is polite for guests to bring something with them, but I wouldn't begrudge family that don't think of it. This type of thing is more about how people were raised than any intention to be rude or unkind. It's best not to impose your social expectations on others if you can see their intentions are all positive and kind.

I’ve never written a thank you note in my life, I’ve written plenty of thank you texts though. I have also never arrived empty handed, or not contributed in some way (paid for a meal out, etc).

@WarmWinterSun wise advice! Thanks

This!
I'd never not say thank you to somebodies face, i don't need to write an audit trail too.

@W0tnow yeah I think it was the arriving empty handed that got me for a whole weekend then no thank you text even - I just couldn't but maybe it's ingrained in me!

...and what's most important is that they are good people. Which hopefully they are, though I don't know them well yet.