Thank you cards - DH's family

[Dayatatime208]

So I was brought up that if you stay with someone for the weekend, or go to a big event that they've paid for, you write a thank you note. My DH's family come to stay but they don't bring anything (I mean just a small something, like chocs or a bottle) or write thank you notes.They are good people, but this rubs me up the wrong way, and I don't feel I can say anything to DH. They are his family - and similarly, he went with my to my brother's big, smart 50th dinner recently - all paid for by my brother. And it was just me who wrote a thank you card, though I got him to sign it. He's a lovely partner and a good man. But I struggle with this as I think it's rude... I think it's just different upbringings (we are from quite different backgrounds) and that doesn't bother me, but I do think thank you notes are important in some cases. WWYD? I guess it's just clearly something he and his family have never been told to do, whereas I had it drilled into me as a child!

I have never written a thank you card in my life nor have I ever expected it from a family member. We are "here is the key to my house, rock up any time day or night" type of family. And I can legitimately show up at any family member's doorstep with zero notice, let myself in and make a cup of tea.
My ex comes from a similar family set up as yours. I once suggested we had an impromptu visit to his parents since we were in the area. The look of horror on his face! Apparently, we were to never just turn up and actually had to arrange a visit several weeks in advance so as to not inconvenience anyone.
Once I was abroad for several months and my ex calls me to say how much his parents enjoyed a thank you card I sent them (we visited for dinner several days before I left the country). I said I never sent one and, oh God, was I supposed to??!! Turned out they had a friend with the same name visit and the card was from her. I was assured they never expected me to send one (but I knew we both knew they did).
Neither approach is right or wrong, but it is important not to project your own upbringing onto other people and make assumptions about their character based on that.

I was raised in a very formal family and it was/is the norm to send thank you notes .. and we get the silver out at Christmas my DPs even send thank you notes for thank you notes . But I have to accept not everyone does this and we are probably not the 'norm' at all. It does irritate when I don't get thank yous from godchildren etc for birthday & Christmas gifts .. we have to send by post so no idea if they have arrived or not ... but I try to rise above it.

MIL never formally thanked or gave a bunch of flowers, bottle of wine, etc. I never let it bother me but it never changed my view that she is an ingrate and not well brought up. She is 87 now. She has not changed.

If this is the only thing that jars between you and your in laws you are doing pretty well!

Loosen up. This doesn't make you better than them.

We always did thank you notes as children (which I hated doing)! But now we tend to get sent pictures and videos of kids playing with their present and saying thank you (if able).

I much prefer seeing them happy and a text than a thank you note. Seems an appropriate adaptation to modern life. Likewise I would always send a WhatsApp message to say thanks and what a great time I had as a visitor.

I would always bring a small gift as a visitor though.

@LizHoney I never said or suggested it makes me better!

I always bring gifts when visiting or invited for a meal... but I've never written a thank you card in my life except for our wedding ones 22 years ago. I don't think I've ever received one either, not from children or adults. I think DHs family did do them (they aren't posh, far from it - I think the fact that they grew up poor meant that getting something special was a big deal, and something to be grateful for) but he doesn't now.

So how long have you been together with your husband then?

I mean these kind of values may not come up on your 3rd date but I expect by the time you get married you know if your significant other is a stickler for "old fashioned" manners or not.

FWIW I think proper thank you notes are a requisite only after a big formal event (weddings and possibly christening and large family parties totally hosted and paid for by someone else) but a message or an email of thanks is sufficient for house guests and gifts received.

Obviously you take tokens such as wine and chocs if you are the house guest and you take your hosts out to dinner if you are staying longer than 3 nights.

DC say thanks in person but used to send a card or picture (depending on age) when younger. Now they send texts with a pic if not together on Xmas day/birthday :)

I'd never expect anyone to bring anything or send a thank you note. Saying thanks for a nice time or whatever at the end will do, although most people text me afterwards to say thanks again - but nothing as formal as a thank you note!

It's just different upbringing and hopefully doesn't show that they're ungrateful, just that they don't thank in the ways you are accustomed to.

I too was brought up doing thank you cards and continue to feel it is really important. My sister however has not internalised this at all, we never get a thank you for her and the kids' Christmas / birthday presents, or even acknowledgement, and we didn't receive any thank you or acknowledgement of the wedding gift we gave them.

What a big faff over nothing. When me and my bf started dating and I'd pay for a meal hed thank me. After a whole of us being together I told him there was no need to thank me as I knew he was grateful and umaru dont thank life partners for something that is basic between you two. Surely family is family and you know they arent ungrateful.

@ThePartyArtist Interesting you think it's important and your sister doesn't - is she good to your family otherwise? Tough not to have any presents etc acknowldged I think! I'd think at least a thank you text.

Colcannon that's interesting that you wouldn't thank your DP or DH for a nice meal out or whatever, we've been married 35+ years and my DH just organised a lovely weekend away ... I thanked him (in person - not by letter ) because I felt it was a lovely thing to arrange although technically as we have totally joint finances I 'paid' for it as well.

Surely saying 'thank you' is a basic courtesy .. DH always thanks me for cooking dinner for example even if it's not his favourite. He's currently decorating and I am effusive in my thanks .. and just grateful he doesn't want my help.

I have no issues with saying thanks, DH and I even after many years of marriage say thanks every time the other has made dinner. It's the letter writing. Who writes letters nowadays, after appreciation was expressed in person? And do you then need to thank them for the thank you letter? And they need to write back and thank you for your thank you letter for their thank you letter?

No, common etiquette is understood as not needing to thank them for the card.

I'm 35 and have never written a thank you card. I think my grandma wrote some after my mum's wedding 40 years ago.

I would normally bring something, like a bottle of wine, when someone is hosting but not necessarily to family if it's regularly reciprocated.

Your family is weird.

I'm 35 and have never written a thank you card. It seems incredibly old fashioned. The only family I stay with often are my parents in law for a couple of nights and I don't even say thank you in person. We just hug them and say goodbye, it's been lovely to see them. We stay with my parents once a year for a week and buy them a takeaway or go to a restaurant. Again, we just hug and say goodbye.

My DH's best friend is our only regular houseguest and he just says goodbye. I think you've been raised in a very different era to me. My family are working class and DH is from a wealthy family so I don't even think it's a different class.

it's unusual but my family ( my mother's side) did that too. It was very awkward growing up as I always had to write thank you notes to relatives for presents when they never responded. Eventually I ended up sending thank you notes to my mother's side and not my dad's as it looked rude when they didn't bother. Might be something to consider if the relationship goes further.

Omg stop it. I'd throw a thank you card straight in the bin, what a waste of time. You say 'thank you' when receiving a gift or leaving a host. What a ridiculous ritual

sorry didn't notice you were married!

I would never write a thank you letter or send a card to family after a visit. Nor to very close friends either.

But would they appreciate jam? Honestly I'd chuck that in the bin along with the card, I don't want my home cluttered with shit that makes someone else feel better.

I host to enjoy my family, I don't need or want anything from them.

@TinkerTiger You sound lovely.

@TinkerTiger I hope nobody ever gives you anything then 😂