Thank you cards - DH's family

[Dayatatime208]

So I was brought up that if you stay with someone for the weekend, or go to a big event that they've paid for, you write a thank you note. My DH's family come to stay but they don't bring anything (I mean just a small something, like chocs or a bottle) or write thank you notes.They are good people, but this rubs me up the wrong way, and I don't feel I can say anything to DH. They are his family - and similarly, he went with my to my brother's big, smart 50th dinner recently - all paid for by my brother. And it was just me who wrote a thank you card, though I got him to sign it. He's a lovely partner and a good man. But I struggle with this as I think it's rude... I think it's just different upbringings (we are from quite different backgrounds) and that doesn't bother me, but I do think thank you notes are important in some cases. WWYD? I guess it's just clearly something he and his family have never been told to do, whereas I had it drilled into me as a child!

I grew up in quite a formal family with thank you letters etc. To be honest, I think it's quite old-fashioned now and not very good for the environment. A text / WhatsApp message afterwards is fine, and even that isn't really necessary if someone thanks me when they leave

Also, probably helpful to acknowledge that your way isn't necessarily "the right way". I find this helpful when my DH's family don't approach certain situations in the way that I would. Their approach isn't wrong, just different

@NeedToChangeName more wise advice! Thanks. V true.

Do you think that your family being super formal is linked to why you’re not close?

I prefer in person thank yous over other methods. If we didn’t see each other in person then a text is fine. Thank you cards are only for when you know someone’s address and not their phone number imo. I’ve never written a thank you card- are you supposed to display them so that everybody knows that you’ve done something nice ? That is so not me. Plus are you supposed to thank someone for a thank you card? You could be sending thank yous constantly for a small favour.

I don't write thank you cards or notes very often, mostly I prefer to thank the person directly.

I've never sent a thank you note to my family but I will send a WhatsApp saying that we arrived home safely and thanks for a lovely weekend.

I think most would find it really odd to send their own brother a thank you note after the event, and even stranger to expect two separate ones from a couple attending the same event. It feels stilted and formal.

I take a gift (wine, flowers, cake) on arrival and say thank you when I leave.

I've never written a thank you card in these circumstances.

You need to accept it's not a tbh g for many people and they are not meaning to be rude.

A hug and a verbal thank you is plenty for family.

I'd be a bit unsettled by a thank you note from my parents or children, it seems so stuffy and unnecessary. It would feel very impersonal.

I get all these responses and they are helpful to see people's perspectives. My sister in law writes extensive thank you notes to me if they come for lunch/for any gift etc. I guess a lot of people here would find that odd too! Maybe it is!

I’ve never sent a thank you note for an event but I think it’s a nice thing to do. I might write one next time I’m invited to something!

Where I live it’s normal to bring a bottle if you’re invited for a meal (like actually invited, not if you’re at someone’s house and end up staying for tea or whatever) nobody ever brings anything else like chocolates. Once DP’s friend’s wife brought me flowers, that was nice although a bit surprising!

@BoohooWoohoo and maybe why not close, but also my brother went to boarding school, I didn't - so we didn't grow up together - and my parents divorced when I was young, then my mum died. So I was quite solo in a super formal family.

Maybe she does it because she knows that it’s customary in your family? Most people want their ILs to like them

@BoohooWoohoo nah, her family is more formal than mine!!! They get the silver out at Christmas. Ha ha. They are VERY formal.

I used to write thankyou cards like this (e.g. if a friend had hosted us for a dinner party) but I've stopped now. I think saying thank you at the time or sending a text message afterwards is plenty/more in line with modern etiquette.

@MisNb I think I might stop after reading this thread!!!

I've never sent or received a written thank you note for these circumstances. I think it's fussy and old fashioned. We would always say thank you for having us when we leave. If we've travelled to be somewhere we might send a further text when get home along the lines of 'home now, traffic was ok! Thanks again for having us!'

However we would usually take something with us, especially if staying overnight, such as a bottle of wine etc. We don't always get this in return and I do notice! 😂 We've done a lot of hosting and I know how much effort and expense goes into it, so I just think it's polite to take a little token gift for the host.

It does depend who it is though, for example visits between me and my sister are very informal so neither of us would be bothered.

I've not written a thank you note for myself since I was about ten years old*.

Bringing flowers, chocolates etc is a nice thing to do.

Sending a text after is also nice.

*Apart from wedding and baby gifts.

My DH's family come to stay but they don't bring anything (I mean just a small something, like chocs or a bottle) or write thank you notes.

I would always take gifts. My guests always bring gifts too but I don't expect them from MIL, because I don't expect them from my own mum either.

I think what's important is they reciprocate visits, do they host you and make sure you're well fed and comfortable?

Also, have you tried going empty handed to their house? How have they reacted?

I would find it most bizarre if friends and family started sending elaborate thank you letters. It really isn't a thing most people expect nowadays.

I think sending a thank you note or email, or even a phone call after the event is a lovely thing to do, OP. You have very good manners and I don't think you should be ashamed of it! I always phone at the very least.

As for guests bringing gifts, I feel the same way. I don't expect anything either, but I do appreciate a house guest who brings a bottle or some flowers/chockies. I never go anywhere empty handed either.

There is nothing wrong with showing your appreciation of someone else's hospitality. I do hope your inlaws at least say thank you! So many people these days don't even acknowledge it if you send a birthday or Christmas gift and, to me, that's incredibly poor manners.

Wow, some odd declarations on here! Let me gently suggest that courtesy is never "dated" and that good manners are never "old fashioned."
Thank you notes may not be your thing, but please don't try to turn other people's graceful gestures into some kind of social crime . . . . .

My sister in law writes extensive thank you notes to me if they come for lunch/for any gift etc. I guess a lot of people here would find that odd too

I would find that odd and probably quite over-bearing. Maybe even a little off putting too. As a lot of people have already said, face to face thanks is enough or even just a text message would be enough for me.

We don’t send cards, but rule of thumb is to say thank you or attend with a gift for the host.

Are you a child??

Where I'm from we'd only do thank you notes for big things like wedding and new baby presents.

I'd never arrive at a friend's house without a cake or something but I absolutely would at our parents, things are much less formal with close family.

I'd send a text to say thanks the next day but never a formal note.

Why are the rules different for children? (Genuine question, not meant to sound snarky.)