Thank you cards - DH's family

[Dayatatime208]

So I was brought up that if you stay with someone for the weekend, or go to a big event that they've paid for, you write a thank you note. My DH's family come to stay but they don't bring anything (I mean just a small something, like chocs or a bottle) or write thank you notes.They are good people, but this rubs me up the wrong way, and I don't feel I can say anything to DH. They are his family - and similarly, he went with my to my brother's big, smart 50th dinner recently - all paid for by my brother. And it was just me who wrote a thank you card, though I got him to sign it. He's a lovely partner and a good man. But I struggle with this as I think it's rude... I think it's just different upbringings (we are from quite different backgrounds) and that doesn't bother me, but I do think thank you notes are important in some cases. WWYD? I guess it's just clearly something he and his family have never been told to do, whereas I had it drilled into me as a child!

Surely you just thank the host when your leaving, really no need to have it in writing

I think if you write them and your MIL enjoys receiving them, continue to do that from your side. There's no harm if you're happy to send them. But, its unreasonable to expect one in return from them when you've hosted, if that's not their way of living. You can't expect to instil your way of living upon them and for them to change how they do things on your behalf. Personally I think its way too formal for family, a hug and verbal thank you when leaving would be absolutely enough for me and my family. Luckily DHs family are the same. I think I would find it a little weird to receive one and it would probably go straight in the bin!

I would never expect Thank You cards from family - that seems over-formal, to me. But what really bugs me about DH's family when they come to stay is that they always come empty-handed (they live quite a distance away, so a visit means staying for a couple of nights, with all meals cooked for them). To me, arriving empty-handed shows little respect for hosts and all the effort they make. It doesn't have to be anything lavish - a bottle of wine or chocolates would be appreciated.

One one occasion BIL popped out before dinner saying he would get some drinks for the evening. He came back with beer. I don't drink beer. So, not really a thank you to the person who readied his room, cooked and cleared up for him the whole weekend.

It really isn't the 'done' thing.

If someone is hosting you, you take a box of chocs or a bottle of wine.

When you leave you thank them

Why would you again write a card and thank them twice? That's daft and a bit twee imho

I always write thank you notes! Its rude not to, i mean how long does it take to say a proper thank you?

Or text or phone John while sitting there with SIL. Put him on speaker phone and have a lengthy chat about the gift and how brilliant it is without actually telling him what it is. 😄

I don't write thank you notes. I say it at the time.

I bring stuff to friend's houses most of the time (depends on the occasion). I don't always expect stuff to be brought to mine (I often tell people not to bring anything as I will cater everything which I think is nice for the guest).

I would not like it at all if family sent thank you notes just for dinner etc. Much too formal. We don't bring anything usually (again depends on the occasion - we might bring a contribution to a buffet for example) or send thank you cards to family either for the same reason. We do say thank you to each other at the time.

I did not bring up my DC to send thank you cards. I find it's all a bit, here's a gift/card, here's a card back, where does it end! We say thank you verbally. We call if they are not present.

What I think is very odd though is that you can't discuss this with your DH?!? Why on earth not?

You need to chill!

I feel it's a bit of a waste of paper?? what do people do with them? just put them in the bin? Not trying to be mean, just curious. I've been wondering if people think i'm rude for not doing it. I just never knew it was a thing.
I think it's nice when you receive them, but a Whatsapp and saying it was fun is just as good.
Also not sure what else you would bring apart from chocs/bottle. Do you mean food? I brought only toys once (as entertainment for the kids, brought them back home with me afterwards) that went really well, as there was already plenty of food, and everyone was watching their weight!

We always take a small token gift, like a bottle of wine or some flowers. We’d then say thank you for having us when we leave. I’d never write a thank you card though, that would be over the top and bizarre for someone I’m close enough to stay with.

Have I read it correctly that you expected your husband to write his own thank you card for your brother’s birthday meal? If so, that’s beyond odd.

I would always say thank you at the time and might (possibly) send a text the next day to reiterate how much fun I'd had/how good the food was/how lovely to see them etc but only if that was how I was genuinely feeling, not as a standard thing. I've never written a formal thank you letter. We didn't do thank you letters for birthday and Xmas presents either in my family, as a kid I might have asked my parents to pass on thanks if it was a relative or someone who wasn't there or maybe say a quick thank you on the phone if my parents called the person concerned, and as an adult I'd send a text.

I think so long as thank yous are conveyed somehow it doesn't need to be so formal. I would however never turn up to someone's for dinner or to stay with someone without wine/chocolates/cheese board/biscuits or something so I'm with you there!

I wouldn't write a thank you card if I went to someone's party - I would assume that any thank you cards would be sent from the party host to the guests to thank them for any gifts. I wouldn't expect a thank you card, but if one were to be written, I would expect it to go in that direction from host to guest, rather than other way around.

I also can't help but think John would be mortified if he knew she was doing that.. he really probably couldn't care less whether I say a specific thanks to him or not!

You lost me when you expect your DH to send a separate thank you card to your brother.

I was forced to write thank you cards as a kid and I hated it. I don’t know why as I was thankful but I just hated it.

Now my daughter will do a little video message to say thanks but my nan is hardcore into thank you cards still. She can’t get enough of them.

We have family stay a lot and we stay there too. I would never send a thank you card because that’s just so strange. We don’t arrive with gifts either. We hug and say thanks when we leave and they do the same. Its way too formal when your in laws are close family.

You’d take parents homemade jam???
I take our parents my washing! 🫣😂
I hate thankyou notes and all that formality especially after birthday and Xmas gifts. I’d honestly rather receive nothing than have to send thank you cards to everyone. They send a card and present so you send a thankyou card then they call to thankyou for the lovely thankyou note. God when does it end?! Take the gift/stay over. Say thankyou, move on.

Can someone educate me - if you have had people over for your famous candlelight supper, and they brought a bottle of wine, I understand they should then handwrite and post you a thank you letter. But as you received a gift, do you also need to send them a thank you letter for the wine? Do you need to keep and display the cards and letters for their next visit? Also, where do you find time and energy for all that?

And then presumably thank each other for the thank you card, and then thank you for the thank you of the thank you…and repeat for the rest of your lives…

My sil insists on her teenage children sending thank you cards for gifts, even if we’ve given them in person. The card goes immediately into the bin - I certainly wouldn’t put it on display!

If we receive a thank you card, I leave it on the table for a day or two so my DH and DC see it, then it goes in recycling

About 0.5 seconds when saying in person and about 5 seconds texting!! Not saying it at all is rude….not writing a thank you card ISNT rude!! Wasting paper for something that can be said verbally or by text is pointless.

Turning up at anyone’s party empty handed when they’re inviting you and especially when paying for everything is totally wrong if that’s what they done, should most definitely give a bday gift.
I literally know not a single person who would ever send a thank you card when you quite obviously say it at the time! Anyone who expects thank you cards for giving a gift or hosting an event just comes across very narcissistic 😏

We grew up writing thank you letters. My kids did when they were young, but now older it is more a text or phone call. Never go to someone's for lunch or weekend stay with out bringing something. My 86 year old aunt still writes thank yiu notes. Good manners don't cost anything.

I would agree with you and I also was brought up to thank properly in writing. I like it so much when I get thanks like this. But to be honest once you realise how many little cultural differences there are between people it does become easier not to mind when people do things differently or don’t do them. I’ve met lots of people with slightly different ways now and I no longer expect people to have the same social conventions and rules as me, which makes it easier.