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Original poster

Thank you cards - DH's family

123 replies

Dayatatime208 · 22/11/2023 10:55

So I was brought up that if you stay with someone for the weekend, or go to a big event that they've paid for, you write a thank you note. My DH's family come to stay but they don't bring anything (I mean just a small something, like chocs or a bottle) or write thank you notes.They are good people, but this rubs me up the wrong way, and I don't feel I can say anything to DH. They are his family - and similarly, he went with my to my brother's big, smart 50th dinner recently - all paid for by my brother. And it was just me who wrote a thank you card, though I got him to sign it. He's a lovely partner and a good man. But I struggle with this as I think it's rude... I think it's just different upbringings (we are from quite different backgrounds) and that doesn't bother me, but I do think thank you notes are important in some cases. WWYD? I guess it's just clearly something he and his family have never been told to do, whereas I had it drilled into me as a child!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dayatatime208 · 22/11/2023 19:41

To all the haters on here, his mum and sisters tell me that his mum ‘absolutely loves’ getting the cards after I visit. So not everyone is the same. She always tells me ‘it’s a joy’ to receive them! I’m going to stop though after reading some of your nasty messages. Unnecessary and unkind some of you.

OP posts:
TinkerTiger · 22/11/2023 21:51

Dayatatime208 · 22/11/2023 19:36

@TinkerTiger You sound lovely.

You sound intense. As do your family members who send you a novella of a thank you card.

Tiiredofthiss · 22/11/2023 22:27

This sounds like a very old fashioned way of thinking - my grandparents would write / expect thank you notes but that has died out. We have only ever sent or received thank you notes for wedding gifts personally.

SmokeyToo · 23/11/2023 05:27

Dayatatime208 · 22/11/2023 19:41

To all the haters on here, his mum and sisters tell me that his mum ‘absolutely loves’ getting the cards after I visit. So not everyone is the same. She always tells me ‘it’s a joy’ to receive them! I’m going to stop though after reading some of your nasty messages. Unnecessary and unkind some of you.

Please don't stop! If your MIL loves it, you should keep doing it. People over a certain age really appreciate good manners and courtesy - I know my Mum does (she's 87). It's just a little thing, but it means a great deal to some. My Mum and Dad used to get really miffed when their grandchildren didn't even bother to call and say thank you for gifts they'd sent. Personally, I think it's very poor manners not to (and I know my brother was raised with good manners, as was I, which makes it even more infuriating). Gratitude is never a waste of time.

WandaWonder · 23/11/2023 05:30

Why do people need more than one thank you?

sure some people do but that does not make them more right than people that don't - not every one does the same thing

WandaWonder · 23/11/2023 05:31

Dayatatime208 · 22/11/2023 19:41

To all the haters on here, his mum and sisters tell me that his mum ‘absolutely loves’ getting the cards after I visit. So not everyone is the same. She always tells me ‘it’s a joy’ to receive them! I’m going to stop though after reading some of your nasty messages. Unnecessary and unkind some of you.

You are judging people that don't, I might want someone to give me a posh bottle of prosecco does not mean if they don't they are wrong

Spencer0220 · 23/11/2023 05:36

If your mil enjoys the cards, please don't stop!! Even if you only do it for her.

I write thank you notes for gifts, but only to people who we rarely see. (Eg. Non local family. ) anyone else, I thank in person.

Zanatdy · 23/11/2023 06:12

In the days before texts yes it was a thing, as long as they thanked you when leaving it’s seriously fine

BeardedIrises · 23/11/2023 06:16

Some of this sounds contradictory. You say you’ve ‘not been together v long’, but are married, and have your ILs coming to stay regularly?

shockthemonkey · 23/11/2023 06:27

I don’t send thank-you cards but I arrive with a gift (usually wine and choc but recently it was wood for the fireplace…) and of course I thank them all - mum dad and kiddies - when leaving. I usually also thank the mum by text the next day. They of course do likewise.

Important just to be flexible.

With family you do get those who arrive empty handed (which I am very happy about as our tastes are so different), won’t compliment my cooking or lift a finger to help, then when leaving the closest they can get to “thank you” is to declare “I’ve enjoyed myself”. These are people I wouldn’t be wanting to see often (and incidentally they never invite us anyway so it’s all good).

Just don’t let the card/present thing fester. Their behaviour while with you is more important.

Dacadactyl · 23/11/2023 06:34

I'd always send thank you cards for Christmas and birthday presents, as well as a text.

But for an event, or whatever, I'd just send a text saying thanks for having us at the party and how much I enjoyed it etc. If I was going for dinner I'd bring a bottle or flowers, but if I was just going to someone's birthday party, I'd bring them a present and that's all.

shockthemonkey · 23/11/2023 06:35

Wait a minute, @iamtuftyclub , did I read you right - you get upset if someone doesn’t reply to your thank-you cards? Now there’s something I never knew existed, sending cards back to the person who has thanked you. That is a card too far, in my opinion!

whatthehelldowecare · 23/11/2023 06:47

My SIL is v particular about things like this, not thank you cards but say she gives me a birthday gift in person when it's just the two of us and I obviously say thanks, she'll then say 'it's from John (her DH) and the kids too' and then I have to hunt them all down/send a text to say a specific thank you to them too. It drives me nuts, particularly because John probably has no clue it's my birthday or what the gift was! If I forgot she'll text me in the weeks later to say that I still haven't said thanks to John

I'd honestly rather they didn't get me anything

Humbugg · 23/11/2023 06:55

I was also brought up with the rule that you thank hosts for parties and weekend staying at their house. I remember most of the time - either a note or text

Placcyboel · 23/11/2023 07:05

Environmentally sending cards is a waste. A verbal or electronic thanks is enough.

inappropriateraspberry · 23/11/2023 07:15

I think thank you notes are so unnecessary these days. My BIL gets his sons to write them after every birthday and Christmas.
With so many more forms of communication a simple text or call - 'thanks for the present, x loves it,' is all that's needed.
Same if you stay somewhere - 'thanks for having us, it's been lovely' as you leave or when you get home is enough.

Mustbeafullmoon · 23/11/2023 07:20

We don't send thank you notes.

Just a verbal "thank you for having us", or a text is fine imo.

I'd bring something, possibly if I was staying with someone like wine or chocolates. But not with parents. I'd be comfortable enough with parents not to feel the need.

Orangello · 23/11/2023 07:22

If I forgot she'll text me in the weeks later to say that I still haven't said thanks to John

See, that's the thing - and I bet your SIL thinks she is the one with manners and has been brought up properly. Surely hounding someone because they have not said thanks to someone else is more rude than just saying thanks in person and not in a handwritten note on a personalised stationery?

NeedToChangeName · 23/11/2023 07:46

whatthehelldowecare · 23/11/2023 06:47

My SIL is v particular about things like this, not thank you cards but say she gives me a birthday gift in person when it's just the two of us and I obviously say thanks, she'll then say 'it's from John (her DH) and the kids too' and then I have to hunt them all down/send a text to say a specific thank you to them too. It drives me nuts, particularly because John probably has no clue it's my birthday or what the gift was! If I forgot she'll text me in the weeks later to say that I still haven't said thanks to John

I'd honestly rather they didn't get me anything

That's nonsense. You can choose not to engage with that

"It's from John and the kids too" = "Great, please pass on my thanks to them too"

"You haven't thanked him yet" = ignore, or "I already asked you to pass on my thanks"

KeepingKeepingOn · 23/11/2023 07:56

I find this so stressful! I always write thank you cards / emails for gifts, but never for staying with people (though I do bring gifts).

DH’s family write incredibly formal notes that make me feel quite uncomfortable, but they are also quite formal people - hosting them always feels quite hard. Whereas in my family, we’re all very happy go lucky, everybody brings stuff, pitches in, helps each other out, so a written thank you at the end would strike a bit of an odd note. When I get the note from DH’s mum, it feels like it emphasises that we’re not really family (appreciate that may be projection). And if I forget to write them a damn card, it’s definitely held against me, no matter how many times I’ve thanked in person / washed up / made dinner whilst there etc.

G5000 · 23/11/2023 08:03

When I get the note from DH’s mum, it feels like it emphasises that we’re not really family

Exactly my feelings. Writing or receiving formal thank you notes to/from close family because you spent a weekend together? I can't even imagine. I mean I often take mum with us when we go travelling, just booked another trip. Of course she says thanks, but I would consider it really bizarre if I also received a written thank you letter.

iamtuftyclub · 23/11/2023 08:31

@shockthemonkey , no I said, in my mother's side of the family it was seen as impolite not to send a written note to thank for gifts etc, and my father side the adult side would phone for the kids but often not respond. I'm happy to have been brought up to do that as it instills that you personally should acknowledge a gift- someway.

It was quite funny as I sent something to one of my relatives recently for their children, it was a one off something they mentioned that they were into, but I never got an acknowledgement. So no idea if they got it/liked it or not.

SisterhoodNotCisterhood · 23/11/2023 08:53

I find thank you cards pointless and wasteful. It's like a formal backup to the thank you they already gave. Why? It's unnecessary. We're not emailing out recaps of meetings we've had with clients so there's a record agreed on what was discussed, we're saying thank you for something you have already been thanked for.

iamtuftyclub · 23/11/2023 08:59

also, maybe agree it's unusual, but my mother would send a thank you note after visiting for a week or so, - I lived 300 miles away and enjoyed hosting my parents. As they have both passed away it's nice to look at these notes reminding me of nice visits and things we enjoyed

HarLace1 · 23/11/2023 08:59

I've never been made to do this, other than verbally thank someone. Your husband and his family have done nothing wrong I'm afraid you're in the minority so I wouldn't say anything as you'll just cause upset and look weird.