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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does she keep calling my teen DD?

127 replies

Orangeandgold · 22/11/2023 09:10

My DD has just started secondary school and she walks to school with a friend (let’s call her Anna) that she has known since primary school. We live further away from the school so I often drive her in, but when she stays with her dad she walks to school with Anna.

Since starting school Anna has shown signs of not being a good friend. When she was invited over she was jumping all over the sofa (apparently when adults walked in she would stop); she screams at the friendship group; gets real stroppy when she doesn’t get her way and went through my DDs phone during a sleepover - took screenshots - luckily there was nothing malicious on her phone.

Based on this we have kept our distance - something my DD has agreed on.

However Anna’s mum is constantly trying to plan sleepovers and will call my DD every morning asking if she is coming over to walk with Anna. She also calls her after school asking if Anna is walking home with her and asks her to keep an eye out on her. During the first few weeks she would ask my DD to come over after school and help with homework (although they are in different sets) - which was fine - but she was using it as a means to discipline Anna - e.g. if you are not good then I will not let your friend come over.

We’ve had days out together and Anna is a good kid but a terror to be around.

My DD is old enough but I know that Anna’s mum wouldn’t let Anna just come over after school or would probably find it weird if I called her DD daily.

I can’t put my finger on what I’m finding strange about this. Maybe it’s my gut. Maybe I don’t like how the friendship is affecting my DD but AIBU to think that the mum should check in with me as well for schedules etc? And maybe should stop using my DD as Anna’s keeper?

OP posts:
Indoorcatmum · 22/11/2023 09:15

So inappropriate.
I would lose my shit at a parent thinking it's okay to personally call a child.

Tha this far too much emotional strain and pressure on your DD.

I would be telling that mother to contact you directly if she needs something and that your DD is far to busy to commit to daily meeting with Anna.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 22/11/2023 09:17

She's calling your DD because she has poor boundaries and lacks capacity to deal with her own DD without trying to rope yours in as back up! I would text her asking her to stop. You don't even need to give a reason, it should be evident!

wokbun · 22/11/2023 09:18

Ask mum to contact you rather than your daughter directly. It's a bit creepy

Redissuereader · 22/11/2023 09:18

It isn't appropriate for an adult to be texting your daughter constantly, I realise that it makes it easier to communicate in that there are no delays or confused messages, but it's also easier to manipulate your daughter. I'd have to text her and say I didn't really want her to do that anymore and ask that she messages you instead. As long as your daughter is happy to keep walking to school etc I wouldn't necessarily stop that but I wouldn't have her going ever night to do homework. Mum knows your daughter is a 'good influence' but it isn't your daughter's job to guide this girl, it's hers.

weemouse · 22/11/2023 09:18

As per the poster above, and on top, you block Anna's mum number from your daughters phone.

She is way too involved in this "friendship"

Echobelly · 22/11/2023 09:19

Not appropriate. I think maybe Anna's mum is aware her child can be difficult and us trying to arrange a friendship but this is not the way to do it.

I think you need to tell the mum that the girls are old enough to arrange things themselves and you don't think she should call your DD.

wokbun · 22/11/2023 09:20

If this was a bloke it wouldn't even be a question

Bboy1234 · 22/11/2023 09:20

Her mum.is definitely out of order, she should not be calling or texting your daughter at all in my opinion.

My first thought here though is does Anna have any Additional needs, If so I can kind of understand her mum's desperation to maintain a friendship and seek support for her child from a peer even though its not necessarily right

cheddercherry · 22/11/2023 09:21

Yeah I wouldn’t want a parent contacting my child directly and so intensely. They’re of an age they can either arrange between themselves or she texts you, it’s not appropriate she contact your daughter.

Neolara · 22/11/2023 09:22

That's way too much to expect your DD to cope with. As others have said, you need to step in to protect your DD here. It's not your dd's role to manage her friend's wellbeing or behaviour.

Createausername1970 · 22/11/2023 09:30

Inappropriate. I had this with my DS. Basically your daughter is being used by the mother. When another child can serve her purpose better, your daughter will be dropped.

Phone the mother, ask her to please stop calling your daughter directly, and then block her number in your daughters phone.

This women is not seeing your daughter in the role of a friend, she is seeing her as a means to an end.

Catza · 22/11/2023 09:31

Block Anna's mum AND Anna's phone number on your daughter's phone.
Separately inform the mum that you find it inappropriate for her to contact your child. I wouldn't invite direct communications with you either, since your daughter expressed she is not particularly interested in maintaining this friendship.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 22/11/2023 09:31

Could her dad drive her in so she had no opportunity to walk in with her? And make the evening routine different too so she doesn't walk home with her either (could she work in the library until she can be picked up?)

And definitely block the mother's number on her phone.

Bookworm1111 · 22/11/2023 09:32

Anna's mum is massively overstepping and I'm surprised you can't see that clearly! I would be bloody furious if my DD was being hounded by another parent to act as gatekeeper to their DC. So, first thing, you block the mum's number on your DD's phone. Then you text the mum and tell her that it's not fair she's harassing your DD every day and it stops now. So what if it ruins the friendship – it's a friendship that exists only under duress.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/11/2023 09:34

I would text dd asking if you can contact you on these days or ex on these days if she has a question about your dd

I would also advise your dd to block or stop answering the phone to her

ColleenDonaghy · 22/11/2023 09:38

Very inappropriate. Ask her to stop. I thought at this age the kids make the arrangements and hte parents aren't involved. I'd text the mum to that effect, ask her to stop messaging your DD as you don't think it's appropriate. The girls seem to have drifted apart, oh shucks.

CrimsonPig · 22/11/2023 09:38

Block the mum's number.

MzHz · 22/11/2023 09:40

Indoorcatmum · 22/11/2023 09:15

So inappropriate.
I would lose my shit at a parent thinking it's okay to personally call a child.

Tha this far too much emotional strain and pressure on your DD.

I would be telling that mother to contact you directly if she needs something and that your DD is far to busy to commit to daily meeting with Anna.

In one! Bang on!

block this woman from your DD phone and tell her to go through you if there’s anything important but that she’s not to call or contact your dd again.

be very firm on this.

Seagrassbasket · 22/11/2023 09:41

She’s struggling to keep her kid in line and is using your daughter to do it. Absolutely no way she should be contacting her directly.

Speak to her and say you want your DD to widen her friendships a bit, and that she needs to come through you for arrangements. And then yes block her number on your DD’s phone!

Celticliving · 22/11/2023 09:46

I would be tempted to give Anna's Mum a call to ask if everything is ok.

I can't stress this enough, Anna's Mum is going about this the wrong way, but something is telling me that maybe she is very worried about her daughter and see's your DD as the friend who is keeping an eye on her. Maybe Anna is being bullied. Maybe Anna is depressed and hurting herself. Maybe she is getting into trouble at school and she knows your DD is a good influence.

I think I would be inclined to go in with a sympathetic call to begin with.

steppemum · 22/11/2023 09:48

basic safeguarding, adults shouldn't be 1:1 contact with kids.
Block the number
Tell her to back off

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 22/11/2023 10:19

100% inappropriate of Annas mother. Please do what every poster above me has said.

Block the number on your daughter's phone, contact the mother and tell her not to contact your daughter directly. I wouldn't even say go via you.

Bluebellsparklypant · 22/11/2023 10:20

So inappropriate.
I would lose my shit at a parent thinking it's okay to personally call a child.
**
Tha this far too much emotional strain and pressure on your DD.
**
I would be telling that mother to contact you directly if she needs something and that your DD is far to busy to commit to daily meeting with Anna.

absolutely this, needs nipping in the bud

Pushmepullu · 22/11/2023 10:20

I feel awkward contacting my best friend’s two daughters and they’re in their late twenties!
Agree with Celticliving, but you need to set boundaries and tell the mum she should phone you not DD. If Anna does have MH issues then the mum shouldn’t be trying to resolve them by using an unsuspecting 11 year old. Then DD should block her.

Comedycook · 22/11/2023 10:23

It's very inappropriate of her to call you dd. I have a dd a similar age and I wouldn't dream of calling one of her friends. You need to speak directly to this mum and tell her that you don't think it's appropriate she phones your DD and any contact should be made via you.