Why does she keep calling my teen DD?

[Orangeandgold]

My DD has just started secondary school and she walks to school with a friend (let’s call her Anna) that she has known since primary school. We live further away from the school so I often drive her in, but when she stays with her dad she walks to school with Anna.

Since starting school Anna has shown signs of not being a good friend. When she was invited over she was jumping all over the sofa (apparently when adults walked in she would stop); she screams at the friendship group; gets real stroppy when she doesn’t get her way and went through my DDs phone during a sleepover - took screenshots - luckily there was nothing malicious on her phone.

Based on this we have kept our distance - something my DD has agreed on.

However Anna’s mum is constantly trying to plan sleepovers and will call my DD every morning asking if she is coming over to walk with Anna. She also calls her after school asking if Anna is walking home with her and asks her to keep an eye out on her. During the first few weeks she would ask my DD to come over after school and help with homework (although they are in different sets) - which was fine - but she was using it as a means to discipline Anna - e.g. if you are not good then I will not let your friend come over.

We’ve had days out together and Anna is a good kid but a terror to be around.

My DD is old enough but I know that Anna’s mum wouldn’t let Anna just come over after school or would probably find it weird if I called her DD daily.

I can’t put my finger on what I’m finding strange about this. Maybe it’s my gut. Maybe I don’t like how the friendship is affecting my DD but AIBU to think that the mum should check in with me as well for schedules etc? And maybe should stop using my DD as Anna’s keeper?

Why does her own daughter refuse to take her phone to school? Mine isn't at secondary school yet, but when he's getting on buses to secondary school by himself that's probably when I'll get him a phone.
Why doesn't this woman just insist that her daughter takes her own phone??

Anyway I'd probably have to have a conversation with her and if you fall out, so be it. Can't have a grown woman harrassing your child.

take the phone off DD and YOU block the woman, advocate for your daughter. Poor girl sounds under siege.
do it now Anna will be with her parents, there’s no need to contact your DD. If she calls from another phone- get DD a new phone and help her tell her contacts except Anna & her mum

It feels a little like parentification. Your dd has been put in a party /guardian role of her dd. She's in charge of communication, homework, safe travel from and to school...

Tell dd that a friend has been discussing how inappropriate it is to have adults on her child's phone and you've been doing some thinking that it's not something you want either. Tell your dd she's not in charge of the child's passage to school, comms with her mum or her homework. Her mum and her can sort all this out without you.

Block the mum and all unknown numbers. Ask dd to leave her phone downstairs or ignore the friend before school. If possible, answer it yourself and ask why she's calling?

Try and put some distance there, push other friendships, can it be inconvenient to drop dd at the usual place...

100% block the woman off your daughters phone and then let her know that you’ve done that so she isn’t harassing your DD in person as to why etc

Have you blocked the mums number in your dds phone? That's all you need to do

Block Anna's mum on DDs phone now and tell her to limit time on the phone to Anna and limit the time they are together. Consider blocking Anna on her phone too. No way I'd be putting up with this.

The woman cannot control her kid so she’s using your daughter as a means to keep tabs

she needs to feel empowered to reject those calls. She’s a child snd isn’t responsible for Anna or answerable to her mum

I wonder if you can divert all calls from Anna’s mum to your number? I bet there’s a way

she will soon stop the calls

Tell your DD not to pick up the mother’s calls but to hand the phone to you.

Reading it I wonder if Anna has potentially undiagnosed additional needs
Her mum is going about it all wrong, she needs to be speaking to the school and pushing for a peadiatrician appointment to discuss concerns
I have kiddos with special needs and was particularly worried about my daughter when she transitioned to senior school but contacting another child and trying to force them to keep Anna on the right path is completely wrong.

Block Anna's mum on your daughter's phone and let Anna's mum know that your daughter is not available to walk her to and from school, can't come over for homework and cannot attend sleepovers on the regular
Also suggest she speak to the school senco if she has concerns about how Anna is coping

Block the mother! Seriously, you should have done this the moment you found out. It’s inappropriate and it’s almost harassment. This woman wants your very young daughter to be her daughter’s minder and to put her own needs and preferences beyond those of Anna.

Put a lot of distance between your DD and Anna. No homework helping, no sleepovers, no walking to school together.

Should this continue in any form I would also let the school know and they can keep an eye on the way this girl behaves towards your daughter and the other students.

Basically this!

How widely inappropriate. An adult calling a child?

I bet anything this child gets her behaviour from her mother and her poor parenting. What a mess.

Too much pressure on your DD. Keep your distance from them.

It is very very weird for the friend of a secondary child to directly contact a child. Like safeguarding weird. Tell the school dsl so they can contact the mum and explain why parents shouldn't really be contacting other people's children and if she wants to contact her own daughter to tell her yo take her phone. This has odd grooming vibes.

This is such a big safeguarding red flag. If it was Anna’s dad calling all the time I’m sure you would have nipped this in the bud a long time ago.

You've moved away from Anna, she see less of DD. She is probably missing her and mom is finding ways in which to find more time for them to be together. It sounds as though Anna's behaviour is connected to her loss of a friend.

I think probably part of the reason is that she wants clarity as to which days Anna is walking in with your dd and which days she will be alone, qhich i think is fair enough on that point.

You think it’s fair enough that this woman is harassing OP’s dd, who is no longer friends with the woman’s daughter because she is a shit friend?

Are you Anna’s mum?

Victim blaming. It’s not OP’s dd’s fault that Anna is a brat.

Im gobsmacked that you haven't just blocked her number!

This is totally inappropriate but at the same time is something else going on with "Anna"? Could she have ASD? Still not a reason for the texts and calls and I'd put my foot down and tell Anna's mum to leave her alone.

I had similar with one of my DDs. The mum realised her DD was a nightmare and not very popular and the mum clung desperately to my DD to try to keep the relationship going.

Anna’s Mum should not be calling your DD. Really inappropriate. I would block the number and say to Anna‘s mum to call you if there is a need to. I would also try and discourage the friendship.

I agree 100%. Don’t trust anybody outside your family

Your child is getting older. I think it best to discuss with her what she is happy with, does she want this friendship etc. Then approach mum. I think personally the friendship is ok...who doesn't have a bonkers friend lol. Having a 'bad influence' is part of growing up and for your daughter to navigate. But obviously her friend's mum is anxious about her daughter and her becoming independent...with good reason and is projecting onto your daughter and getting too involved in the friendship at this stage of the game. She needs to back off and your daughter will need your help to do this...but it's vital your daughter is fully involved as she's old enough to pick her own Friendships & might want to keep this one 👍. Good luck ❤️