Why does she keep calling my teen DD?

[Orangeandgold]

My DD has just started secondary school and she walks to school with a friend (let’s call her Anna) that she has known since primary school. We live further away from the school so I often drive her in, but when she stays with her dad she walks to school with Anna.

Since starting school Anna has shown signs of not being a good friend. When she was invited over she was jumping all over the sofa (apparently when adults walked in she would stop); she screams at the friendship group; gets real stroppy when she doesn’t get her way and went through my DDs phone during a sleepover - took screenshots - luckily there was nothing malicious on her phone.

Based on this we have kept our distance - something my DD has agreed on.

However Anna’s mum is constantly trying to plan sleepovers and will call my DD every morning asking if she is coming over to walk with Anna. She also calls her after school asking if Anna is walking home with her and asks her to keep an eye out on her. During the first few weeks she would ask my DD to come over after school and help with homework (although they are in different sets) - which was fine - but she was using it as a means to discipline Anna - e.g. if you are not good then I will not let your friend come over.

We’ve had days out together and Anna is a good kid but a terror to be around.

My DD is old enough but I know that Anna’s mum wouldn’t let Anna just come over after school or would probably find it weird if I called her DD daily.

I can’t put my finger on what I’m finding strange about this. Maybe it’s my gut. Maybe I don’t like how the friendship is affecting my DD but AIBU to think that the mum should check in with me as well for schedules etc? And maybe should stop using my DD as Anna’s keeper?

Block the number. I can’t believe you haven’t already

So have you blocked the mother from your daughter's phone yet?

Anna's mum knows Anna has social issues and is trying to protect Anna from the reality of not fitting in and maintain her friendships for her. Anna probably needs an ND assessment..

Yabu for calling some mine who is ND, “weird”. How is your child going to be better.

Of course the mum shouldn’t be calling your DD and i don’t understand how you’ve let it get this far without blocking, tbh.

Hopefully, it’s as you say and the mum isn’t calling your DD because she’s worried about her or something like that.

Assuming no SEN - Anna lacks the ability to recognise and respect proper boundaries because her mother is controlling. Anna thinks it is normal to go through someone else’s phone because she lives in a world where it is. Anna is difficult to discipline because boundaries at home are chaotic and the goal posts frequently move.

Anna’s mother clearly lacks boundaries. You won’t be able to fix this. I’d probably have to put foot down as per PP above.

DD1 had a friend exactly like this mum wise. In Y6 if the girls fell out she'd phone my DD 6find out why. She would phone my DD and ask her to walk her DD right home after school.
If her DD came to our house we had to drive her DD home but she never did the same.
By Y8 I had worked out mum was actually really abusive towards her DD. To the extent that a year later she moved 60 miles away to live with her dad and hasn't seen mum since (she's 17 now).
I'm not saying this is the case for your DDs friend though. If you know mum just message her and ask her to stop calling your DD. Presumably Anna has a phone, why can't she call your DD herself?

@pushmepullyou
@Comedycook
Quite so...you need to confront the mother and tell her to stop. If necessary speak to the school. This is a safeguarding issue and your daughter needs protecting.
It isn't pleasant to do this but your daughter's emotional well-being is the most important thing...Good luck in dealing with this very unpleasant situation.

I'd make an excuse not to walk with her. Consider going earlier, later, varying the routine, saying something like we never know what time she's ready then she just goes, its a bit hectic here mornings, or she likes space to do her own thing in the morning etc... so best to leave her to get there herself.

Agree with others. The mum is trying to get her to be a good influence. Fine to a degree, we all like our kids hanging out with a good influence. But it's not ok to call your daughter and force a friendship. She isn't a social worker and if she was they'd be clearer boundaries.

Use common sense here, set clear boundaries and take precautions for future risks..

Firstly block the mothers phone number on your daughters phone so that she can't call or text any more.

Second, call the mother and be polite but firm when explaining that it is not appropriate for her to contact your daughter directly so she should stop. Also explain that they arent to be friends anymore and include the reasons why.

Third speak to your daughters school safegaurding leaders, tell them everything especially the phone calls & texts from "annas" mother. Explain your concerns & let them do their jobs.

Finally, speak to your daughter, show & explain to her the clear boundaries you should have now put in place. Ensure she understands the situation and not to have anymore contact with either of them, not to answer calls or msgs or go to their house or go anywhere with them.

I was going to say YABU as kids at secondary organise their own play dates and sleepovers but an ADULT, calling a kid??? That is far from ok, there's an unhealthy power imbalance there. I would be asking my kid to block her number and telling her your kid had a new phone.

The only times I have ever called my kid's friends is with their permission because their phone battery died or if my kid went 'walkabout' after they should've been home, in addition to calling their parents.
In upper juniors a mother tried to keep a friendship going between her daughter and none which had long died a death and attempted to stop my kid in the street on the way home from school, I was on the phone to school as quick as that and accompanied my kid until that nonsense stopped. It was a nasty, messy situation and embarrassing for a grown woman to be begging a ten year old to be her child's friend.

We’ve had days out together and Anna is a good kid but a terror to be around.

A good child isn't a terror. The mother and daughter sound odd. I would block or get your daughter a new number so this can't happen

This is not appropriate. Anna's mother needs to talk to you. Please though talk to Anna's mother about what is going on and why, and get some understanding of the situation, gently though, not just go in and try and break it up. It sounds like Anna is struggling and that your daughter might be giving support that no one else can at the moment. Don't just take that away as that could lead to anything.

When you say a "terror", I'm presuming you mean along the lines of hyperactive? I may be entirely wrong here.
That would explain the wanting her to be accompanied walking home (to keep her focused and safe) and potentially your DD having a calming influence on her with doing homework etc, and using sleepovers as bait to behave.

If that is the case, what Anna's Mum has found is a very short term fix and is clearly grasping at straws. She could do with some proper support and advice on how best to manage her daughter in a positive way.

Perhaps have a frank conversation with your daughter and see how she feels about it all, whether she wants to help in some way (preferably at school) or whether she is finding it a bit OTT.

I'd send a polite message to Annas mum that your DD is needing to focus on other areas of her life right now so won't be able to respond to her calls and messages anymore, but would like to continue being Anna's friend (if that's what your DD also wants)

You say you have a gut feeling. Gut feelings have enabled us to survive since Adam and Eve.

You are there to protect your child. Ok so protect her by contacting this mother informing her to contact you and not your child. All children are vulnerable your job is to protect her. The other child is that mother’s responsibility. Just concentrate on your child.

Firstly, I’d block the mothers number and check your child’s phone regularly as the mother may use her child’s phone and not her own. Please let us know the outcome.
Its not easy being a Parent.

@Lubilu02 & @HurkleDurkling

I think you are both right ,

@Orangeandgold
needs to find a balance between these two points that @Lubilu02 & @HurkleDurkling

have made,
I agree being a parent is hard work at times too.

Thanks all. Posting an update.

I just want to say that the day I posted the question was the same day I found out about the phone calls (for those wondering “what I was waiting for”).

DD was at dads so we spoke about it over the weekend. I’ve let Anna’s mum know that she shouldn’t call my DD - she’s too young etc etc. We have also blocked her number and (after a long reasoning with DD) DD understood why it was weird for a friends mum to constantly call. She was defensive at first because Anna has now lost her phone and has no means of contact! This isn’t the first time her phone has been lost for weeks on end. However DD understood why it’s not her problem although “great for helping a friend”.

On Monday morning at 6.30am guess who receives a call from Anna’s mum - me! I didn’t pick up. Sent her a message instead asking if everything was ok - her reply was “I’m just checking in”. She then called me yesterday evening twice - I sent a message (as I was on a zoom social call) she said she will try and call back later. My DD said last Friday (she was at dads) Anna and her mum were begging her to sleep over - but she didn’t want to and thankfully went straight to her dads (earlier in the year she would go to Anna’s house and because her dad is more relaxed he would just let her).

Fortunately this week I’m not working lates so I can arrange pick up and drop off. I can see Anna’s mum is backing off - although DD has said Anna really wants a sleepover but she doesn’t want to have one. I’ve told her she shouldn’t feel forced. Not wanting to go is a strong enough reason. Plus I’ve told her no sleep over at Anna’s.

I think this would be very different outcome if DD and Anna were very close -sadly I think it would have become a toxic friendship

From you last update the woman is nuts. Why would she need to check in at 6.30am?
I think the next logical step is to stop taking phone calls from her full stop and not to follow up with a message. She seems to have major boundary issues.

Why does she keep answering her phone to this woman?

Checking in at 6.30am?! I'm weirded out by that. How controlling and dominant is she being?! Glad she's blocked on your daughter's phone! Completely inappropriate.

So a woman you don’t know super well rang you at 6:30am to check in? Yes, that is weird.

Anyone phoning me unless it's an emergency situation would be told to go forth and multiply

Just checking in........ Nope she was planning to guilt trip you into sending your daughter to walk hers to school.
If Anna needs walking to school then her mum should be walking her, I took my daughter to senior school until year 10 as she wasn't capable of getting there by herself and that was my problem to sort not someone else's child

At 6:30am I am still in bed (usually asleep).

I’m glad that the mum is blocked on your daughter’s phone. Waking young people up to coerce them into doing you a favour is not okay.

I know she is very intense! The calls have stopped so far.

@CruCru we got to know the family very well over the summer as our daughters were close friends at school. Usually I make the effort to get to know the family. We helped eachother with dropping kids off to summer camps, went on day trips out etc. so they become like family friends.

Since September the girls have drifted apart. however the behaviours of both Anna and her mum have been very weird. so we have kept our distance.