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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does she keep calling my teen DD?

127 replies

Orangeandgold · 22/11/2023 09:10

My DD has just started secondary school and she walks to school with a friend (let’s call her Anna) that she has known since primary school. We live further away from the school so I often drive her in, but when she stays with her dad she walks to school with Anna.

Since starting school Anna has shown signs of not being a good friend. When she was invited over she was jumping all over the sofa (apparently when adults walked in she would stop); she screams at the friendship group; gets real stroppy when she doesn’t get her way and went through my DDs phone during a sleepover - took screenshots - luckily there was nothing malicious on her phone.

Based on this we have kept our distance - something my DD has agreed on.

However Anna’s mum is constantly trying to plan sleepovers and will call my DD every morning asking if she is coming over to walk with Anna. She also calls her after school asking if Anna is walking home with her and asks her to keep an eye out on her. During the first few weeks she would ask my DD to come over after school and help with homework (although they are in different sets) - which was fine - but she was using it as a means to discipline Anna - e.g. if you are not good then I will not let your friend come over.

We’ve had days out together and Anna is a good kid but a terror to be around.

My DD is old enough but I know that Anna’s mum wouldn’t let Anna just come over after school or would probably find it weird if I called her DD daily.

I can’t put my finger on what I’m finding strange about this. Maybe it’s my gut. Maybe I don’t like how the friendship is affecting my DD but AIBU to think that the mum should check in with me as well for schedules etc? And maybe should stop using my DD as Anna’s keeper?

OP posts:
Maxus · 22/11/2023 10:51

Block her from your daughter's phone, tell her not to contact your daughter then report it to school so they have a record of it

Mumofferralkid3 · 22/11/2023 10:53

From what the OP has said, it sounds like very coercive behaviour. Maybe even early OCD. I have worked with young people who behave like this and strong boundaries are required all round. This will help everyone's wellbeing. Placing so much pressure on OP daughter is simply wrong. I would have a strong word all round and contact the school as this behaviour is probably leaching into school life too.

I went through something similar when in school, it resulted in the other person telling me that they were hurting themselves when I wasn't friends with them. My mum pushed for us to be separated to enforce steonger boundaries as I was too young to. I imagine there is probably something going on in the background, whether that be ALN or homelife.

Good luck OP.

BlueGrey1 · 22/11/2023 10:57

She is aware her daughter is going off the rails a bit and sees your daughter as being a good influence on her so wants to maintain the friendship.

Sounds like your daughter no longer wants to be friends with her though and understandably, going through her phone and taking screenshots is horrible behaviour, Anna obviously can’t be trusted.

Your daughter should stop answering her calls and distance herself from this girl, she is only going to get worse and she has shown herself to not be a good friend.

If the mother calls you, you can just say that you think the girls are not as close as they once were and these things happen with her, you could also mention the phone incident

ManateeFair · 22/11/2023 10:57

Yes, it's really odd for Anna's mum to be calling your DD directly. Once kids start secondary school, I'd expect them to be calling each other to make any arrangements to be honest, but if there's some reason that Anna can't do that, then her mum should be calling you, not your daughter.

Balloonhearts · 22/11/2023 10:59

I had a friend like this who was (still is) massively immature for her age. Think, in her 30s still squealing, giggling and grabbing my arm if a remotely attractive man walked past us and making up increasingly fantastical stories about famous boy bands she was friends with and had dated. Never a shred of evidence to support it.

Her mum used to ring me to check she was with me and ask me to look after her. I phased out the friendship in the end because we had less and less in common as I grew up and she just didn't. It was exhausting and I felt more like a babysitter than a friend. I daren't go to a pub with her or anything as she was so naive, she'd be buggering off home with some sleaze who asked her to come look at his puppies or something.

I still wonder if she had some undiagnosed needs as her older sister was normal but her mum was very very anxious about her.

Bearbookagainandagain · 22/11/2023 11:06

Is it possible she sees your daughter has having a positive influence on her (difficult) teen and therefore wants to encourage the friendship?

But yeah I agree that it's weird she is contacting your daughter directly...

toomuchfaff · 22/11/2023 11:15

I'd be reaching out to mum to put a stop to this right away, block her number on dd phone and let mum know in no uncertain terms this is not appropriate behaviour for her to be making direct contact with your child for whatever her nefarious reasons are and that it stops now.

MummyMumMumMummy · 22/11/2023 11:20

I’d say Anna’s mum knows what she’s like and that she finds it hard to keep a friendship down.. so the mother is putting her effort into trying to keep Anna and your DD’s friendship.. by hoping your DD won’t be able to say no to an adult asking to walk with their child to school ect.

I’d black the mum on her phone and if she asks anything about it just suggest that it’s not really appropriate to call her everyday and that she should really be contacting you instead if they need to. I’d also be inclined as this point to do a ‘no hard feelings but DD just isn’t feeling as connected with Anna anymore and would therefor like to distance herself.’

CruCru · 22/11/2023 11:23

Got to be honest - the first thing that jumps out at me is that she rings your daughter to ask her to keep an eye on her daughter. This is really peculiar; your daughter cannot be responsible for her peers.

CruCru · 22/11/2023 11:27

This is a time where it’s more polite to be direct. Text her something like “CHILD told me today that you have rung her every morning and after school for the past week. If you would like to contact her, please could you do it through me? She has quite a lot going on right now and shouldn’t be taking calls from other adults.”

Welcome2thecircus · 22/11/2023 11:32

I'd speak to the mum directly about this and restrict use of her phone. It's too much to put on a teen girl, even one with strong boundaries.

I think she's coming from a good place for her daughter but not going about it the right way. You're 100% right to step in and set boundaries to protect your daughter.

CalistoNoSolo · 22/11/2023 11:41

I actually can't believe you're allowing this. Protect your daughter fgs.

mumedu · 22/11/2023 11:42

This is highly inappropriate and a real imposition on your daughter. You need to set some boundaries jn place and put a stop to this drain on your daughter's time and energy.

Kittylala · 22/11/2023 11:46

Contact school safeguarding team

supercatlady · 22/11/2023 11:49

I agree Anna might have additional needs, and her Mum might be so used to intervening and supporting her socially she hasn’t clocked that secondary school is a whole new ball game.
a gentle call as suggested by a PP would be how I would approach this initially.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 22/11/2023 11:52

The mother shouldn't be calling your dd. I would step in and ask her not to.

Parky04 · 22/11/2023 11:54

What would you think if Anna's dad kept phoning your DD? This is no different!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/11/2023 11:57

I’d be blocking her number on my DDs phone and telling her that it’s completely inappropriate for a random adult to call your DD daily.

Thats ridiculous.

Avatartar · 22/11/2023 12:27

I’d ring Anna’s mum and tell her not to message or ring DD, she should speak to DD through you. Also tell her its not DD’s responsibility to look after Anna and if it continues, you will actively distance them as it’s meant to be an equal friendship not a babysitting agreement

Greenpolkadot · 22/11/2023 12:28

You're DD's mother,,,do something about it, Tell the woman she should be calling you, not your daughter,,,,but every day? How wierd,,
,

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 22/11/2023 12:29

Sounds like she's looking at your daughter like a defacto parent. Walking too and from school, homework, keeping an eye on her.
All wrong. Just wrong.
Block her number from your daughters phone and send a 'back off ' text.
Hopefully she'll listen.
The reason this girl doesn't have boundaries (jumping on sofas at her age ffs) is because her parents haven't enforced any. (Unless there is ND at play that hasn't been disclosed)

greensharpie · 22/11/2023 12:32

I agree with @Celticliving - I'd give Anna's mum a call, ask if everything is ok, and ask her not to call DD anymore. It's possible that she just hasn't got the hang of how to deal with having an older child. I think this can be approached with kindness and without shaming her.

If she persists, then sure, block the number. But there's no need to go in with both feet right away.

Wetblanket78 · 22/11/2023 12:33

Just block her number they are old enough now to arrange meeting up between themselves. Anna sounds like she's neuro diverse though so could be why.

Offcom · 22/11/2023 12:34

God, I think Anna's mother sounds like she's a bit scared of her daughter – even though they are obviously cut from the same cloth in terms of feeling like other people are there to be managed and manipulated for your own ends.

stayathomer · 22/11/2023 12:35

Anna obviously doesn’t have many friends and she’s trying to keep your dd as one. I get why she’s doing it but yes, it’s awful to put that pressure on your dd