Why does she keep calling my teen DD?

[Orangeandgold]

My DD has just started secondary school and she walks to school with a friend (let’s call her Anna) that she has known since primary school. We live further away from the school so I often drive her in, but when she stays with her dad she walks to school with Anna.

Since starting school Anna has shown signs of not being a good friend. When she was invited over she was jumping all over the sofa (apparently when adults walked in she would stop); she screams at the friendship group; gets real stroppy when she doesn’t get her way and went through my DDs phone during a sleepover - took screenshots - luckily there was nothing malicious on her phone.

Based on this we have kept our distance - something my DD has agreed on.

However Anna’s mum is constantly trying to plan sleepovers and will call my DD every morning asking if she is coming over to walk with Anna. She also calls her after school asking if Anna is walking home with her and asks her to keep an eye out on her. During the first few weeks she would ask my DD to come over after school and help with homework (although they are in different sets) - which was fine - but she was using it as a means to discipline Anna - e.g. if you are not good then I will not let your friend come over.

We’ve had days out together and Anna is a good kid but a terror to be around.

My DD is old enough but I know that Anna’s mum wouldn’t let Anna just come over after school or would probably find it weird if I called her DD daily.

I can’t put my finger on what I’m finding strange about this. Maybe it’s my gut. Maybe I don’t like how the friendship is affecting my DD but AIBU to think that the mum should check in with me as well for schedules etc? And maybe should stop using my DD as Anna’s keeper?

Of course that's werid. I'd tell your daughter not to answer any more messages/calls from her. If she asks her why she can say, I'm finding all the messages and calls a bit much! Or you could call her yourself and explain that she's finding it all a but much and to leave messages between dd and her friend.

Block her number! The only time I've spoken to my daughter's best mate on the phone was when they were on the bus home and daughter's phone had died. I wouldn't be calling her for a chat!

Exactly I called my DSs pal for the same reason. His phone was dead and I had no clue where there were.

Op I think it'd weird, she treating your DD like a babysitter but maybe she is thinking safety in numbers walking together.
I think a I'd have a word with the mum, 'I think the girls are old enough to sort their own arrangements'.

Thank you for your comments. It’s just validating how wrong it is. I will be blocking her number and speaking to her. I have family members that would still call me before talking to DD!

Over the summer, we as a family, became good friends with Anna and her family and would help each other out. But since they’ve started school I have found Anna’s family very weird - my partner thinks so too.

I started by telling my DD not to go to their house anymore. To go straight to dads (who is annoyingly more relaxed) but the after school homework visits have stopped.

Sleepovers have stopped as I’ve said that we are busy.

Anna apparently refuses to bring her phone to school and so her mum has zero contact with her (my DD says that is why Anna’s mum calls her). However that isn’t my DDs responsibility.

Anna also has a new set of friends of school. Although she was bullied at a previous school. I also think she has some ND - she hasn’t been diagnosed.

I called Anna’s mum yesterday to inform her that the girls finished early as my DD asked me to pick her up and a few of her friends asked me to reach out to their mums as they couldn’t get hold of them. I did. I Noticed when I was in the car with my DD that Anna’s mum called her twice asking if Anna got home OK and if she can walk home with her.

She was on loudspeaker so I jumped in and mentioned I’m in the car with her etc and she changed her tone and said “please check in only if your mum (me) allows”.

Then this morning I was out of the shower slightly earlier and could hear my DD on the phone to Anna’s mum telling her that she isn’t at her dads so can’t walk to school etc.

During the car journey I asked my DD how often this woman calls - and she mentioned all the time.

I will be having that conversation as she has been overstepping.

Easy solution..change your daughters number and dont give it to them.

Following your latest update, I would block the number now. The calls are bordering on harassment. Calling your DD twice during a car journey? Calling her early in the morning? Forcing your DD to reveal/confirm her whereabouts/travel plans?

What happens if Anna gets lost one day, or the mother can’t reach her? Does the mother blame your DD? Your DD needs to be protected from any sense of responsibility here.

My DS started secondary this September and we have a similar situation with a classmate he travels to school with. His parent wouldn’t allow him a phone at first, so I had to ring his mother to say they were running late etc (contact via me, not my DS). Eventually the kid got a basic phone. If Anna won’t bring hers, that’s for her/her mother to sort out.

Lovely you need to protect your daughter and block this woman's number on your daughter's phone immediately!!

Why haven't you already??

Scared of appearing rude?

She doesn't care about being rude calling your daughter all the time.

If I asked my daughter if Mrs C phoned a lot and she answered "All the time" you know what the next words out my mouth would be?

"Well block her on your phone my darling. I will be having words with her. She shouldn't be annoying you like that. Block her right away"

Because I want my daughter to have boundaries and know she doesn't have put up this shit from anyone male or female.

Hi Op

this ex school friend Anna , mother is Cf ,

she is using your daughter, she is taking advantage of how naive, she will be cause of her youth,
She is a selfish lazy Crap mother with poor sense of boundaries,

your daughter is being manipulated like a baby sitter by proxy,

my advice is to be straight with Anna mother, that it is not your daughter responsibility at all to look out for her daughter,
tell her she should not expect your daughter to continue with this,

Also block her ex friend's tel no, stop answering her tel calls,

with people like that you've got to ensure you don't give them "a inch in anyway otherwise they will take a mile".

My DD had a friend at Primary School whose Mother used to refer to her as her sons 'School wife'. She would pounce on her after school to see if he'd forgotten to tell her anything or bring any letters home. It was bizarre. I was pretty pleased when they both ended up at different Secondary schools!

The thing that stands out to me, in addition to what other pp’s have said, is that this is not going to help your DD to establish her own boundaries in life. Anna’s mum is behaving inappropriately and consequently forcing her behaviour on your DD. Because she’s an adult, your DD probably feels she has to respond even if she finds it weird.

My DD is 14 and would find this very strange. She’d be appalled if I ever contacted any of her friends except in extreme circumstances.

The part that sticks out to me is this:

She was on loudspeaker so I jumped in and mentioned I’m in the car with her etc and she changed her tone and said “please check in only if your mum (me) allows”.

This does sound to me like the mum is trying to pretend it’s your daughter that’s calling her instead. Like please don’t ring me if your mum doesn’t want it. This raises red flags to me. She’s massively using your daughter and manipulating her. Block her immediately on your daughters phone and the friends number too. Also stop her walking with the friend to school.

Part of safeguarding is teaching and modeling to children what behaviour and treatment is normal, safe and acceptable.

This woman is teaching your DD that it is safe, normal and acceptable for an adult to be in contact directly with her, to fulfill requests and take on emotionally demanding responsibility.

I don't think this woman is a predator, but she is modeling and normalising unsafe and red flag behaviour. She is failing in her safeguarding duty to a young person. For this reason alone this needs halting IMMEDIATELY.

I think this is spot on and the Mum sadly sounds desperate to keep some socialisation going for her DD, from what you have said who may have SEN. Agree with other posts that it's not appropriate for a parent to be contacting your child and it's too much responsibility for your DD to have to deal with. I would get DD to block the Mum and you also need to have a chat with the Mum to set boundaries. I'd try to be as kind as possible as you don't know what she faces everyday (can be hard), but be firm to sort this out.

Your DD is 11? 12? Way too young to be taking calls from adults who aren’t her parents. Block Anna’s mother from contacting your DD. And call her yourself to say that you have done this because it’s inappropriate for her to contact your DD directly. Your DD has weak boundaries because you appear to have them too. Maybe both of you could work on this together.

"Well block her on your phone my darling. I will be having words with her. She shouldn't be annoying you like that. Block her right away"

Yes this ^
Your daughter needs to learn to have boundaries and you need to back her up.

Anna's mum needs to sort out her own stuff with Anna. You can't make her do it but you can stop her using your daughter.

I wouldn't expect adults to be getting involved with plans at secondary school, definitely not making contact directly with children. I'd ask dd to hand you the phone EVERY time this woman calls. When she tries to make plans let her know you'll let the girls do that in their own time but that you and dd are busy at.

OP - your post shows me what future would look like for me and my DD and a friend's of DD (with suspected SEN).

DD is only 6 but the parents of her friend asked school to put them together in the same class at Reception. This friend struggled to settle into school so het parents used DD as a crutch to settle their DD. This girl started disrupting DD in the classroom causing teachers to constantly move her away, she pushed all DD's friend's away as DD is her 'best friend' and DD did end up loosing all the friend's she made in the first term. Her mother texted me one morning to say that her DD didn't want to go to school that morning as my DD (who loved school) said to her in the playground the day before that she doesn't like the school or her teachers, making me feel like DD was responsible for it.

I cried every day until we ended up sending her to a private prep school, it was that bad!

What you wrote is the future I imagined would have looked like if we kept DD with her 'friend'.

Absolutely not acceptable for this mum to contact your DD all the time! Please block the number and stop this friendship, it's only going to get worse.

Block the number. The mother is a fruit loop using your daughter to corral & regulate hers. I'd also have a word with the head of year/teacher and just ask if they could be kept separate if poss as Anna's mum has crossed some boundaries and DD needs to be independent of Anna.

What odd people.

@SouperWoman I stopped all of the other stuff asap (play dates etc). Plus my DDs dad is more relaxed which is annoying. Sadly I’m not hoovering around my DD like a helicopter and also work. Now that I know about the calls I will be doing the same. Yes, we come across as “nice people” we are polite and quiet and that might come across as a weakness - but we have boundaries.

I also wish I was one of those loud scary parents.

@Nestdoorgilie my DD has been in a few toxic friendships and I think it is because she is “nice”. At the age of 6/7 she had a friend that was probably ADD (she would pee in the playground and ask the other girls to join - she was very hyper) and at one point was my DDs best friend. This girl left the school - and thank God. Her parents were not pushy but it is very difficult to control what happens in the playground. I could only teach my DD how to select friends and to take care of herself first and to be more selfish (the opposite of what most parents taught because she was too nice). At the time I raised it with the parent (who did nothing) - then escalated it with the other parents as the whole friendship group was affected - we came together and we had to help the girls manage this. The school was also involved and the girls received pastoral support.

There was also a mildly autistic boy that was obsessed with my DD in year 5 and then it turned into harassment - physical touching, stroking hair, staring and she cried so much - I raised that with the boys parent (she got the message but his behaviour didn’t change) teachers (empty promises) then eventually head teacher and that did the trick. They were separated and put in different classes and the school raised their investment in integrating ND children into the class.

Just sharing as sometimes at that age we cannot be there all of the time but we can raise it with teachers and build a case if we are concerned as parents @Nestdoorgilie . Or some of friends are scarier and go directly to the parents quite aggressively- that isn’t my personality.

I am constantly teaching my DD that she doesn’t need to put up with anyone’s BS. I am glad she is seeing Anna for what she is earlier into secondary school rather than later. As harsh as that might sound my DD needs to learn.

Block this mother's number. This is intrusive and unwelcome.

She will probably call her via her daughter's number, so your DD might have to ignore that too.

There needs to be a conversation with this mother about this - I would certainly talk to any parent that felt constant phone calls to my child were appropriate.

You asked ‘why does this mum do this?’ - the answer is because you let her.

It’s good you stopped some of the pushy behaviours but it is vital that you block Anna’s mum from contacting your DD and you tell Anna’s mum that you have done this and why. You do not need to be loud or shouty to do this - in fact calm fact stating is your friend. She doesn’t have to agree with your pov. Your DD is too young to sort this out herself. Also, given your ex-DPs nature, it’s down to you to stop the contact with this toxic mum.

I also strongly recommend telling your dd that she should never answer any unknown number - not just to stop this mum contacting her from a different phone. But also because she should only be in contact with people she knows. Good luck.

I had this with one of my dds 'friends'. Her mother got thus notion into her head that it was ok to txt my dd about stuff re her own dd and plans. Wld txt her about school etc.
My dd was finding things hard at the time and cldnt see that the woman was a nutjob and trying to use her for her own dds benefit.
The mother then started texting me about how I parented dd. That seemed to wake my one up to her a bit. But it was when she tried to get my dd to change her college plans to suit her dd that my one finally saw the light.
I texted the mother told her not to txt my dd again and then I blocked her. My dd also blocked her.
Absolute nutjob.

I used to have a friend whose mum was like this. I was a school year ahead but I am very young for my year and she is very old - so I am three months older. She would tell me what time her daughter had to get home. It came to a head once she told me that she expected me to stay at her house to supervise Sarah while the mum was overseas - my Mum rang up and said that there was no way I could be expected to supervise my friend.

I personally would have a conversation with your child first. Explain that she isn't responsible for this other girl and to block this mum's number and not respond. That it's ok not to want to be somones friend but if she does that's ok but she shouldn't be used the way she is being. Ask her how she feels about it all and then support and advice her.
You then need to talk to the mum and say I'm not happy with you ringing my child and trying to use her to deal with your child. She's not childcare and it's your responsibility to make sure your child can contact you and you her. Please do not ring or contact my daughter over your child it's not ok. I'd have nipped this in the bud way sooner. Advocate for your daughter. Yes she has to learn but also as her parent it's still your job to safeguard her and teach and guide her. It's massively inappropriate for a adult women to be ringing your child and using her as childcare what the hell.

your DD is 10. This is so inappropriate. Time to step up and step in big time.