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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who gets the room

119 replies

Dancebaby1989 · 22/11/2023 08:04

So I have 3 DS 21,12 and 11- youngest has ASD (just for context) they live with me and DH and go to their dads EOW for 1 night in a bedside so sleep on floor and sofa there hence why only 1 night.
DH has DD 14 and DS 10 who we have EOW for 2 nights and each have own rooms at mums but share here. For information DSD is currently coming both nights and has done for 3 visits but 6 months prior would only do 1 if any overnights.
My DS21 is moving out in the new year and DH ex has expressed she is pleased both her children will now have there own room here too. However I think my 12 year old should go into that room as they are here all the time and have never had their own space. I have said DSD can either use of living room (metal action sofa bed) while here or continues sharing but now all hell is breaking loose.
so who should get the room?

OP posts:
PicaK · 22/11/2023 08:07

I think 14 year old girl needs her own space. Can the biggest kids room be partitioned in anyway to offer that - some really good solutions/designs online?

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/11/2023 08:08

Assuming your DS11 & DS12 share at your house at the moment? You haven't actually said.

It's tough. I can see how it would be nice for your DS to have their own spaces, but also how a teenage girl really needs her own space too.

Is the weekend they come to you the same weekend your Sons are at their dads?

Could DSS share with either of your sons for the 2 night visit so DSD gets some space?

aswarmofmidges · 22/11/2023 08:11

I'd be saying the 14 year old needs her own room to sleep but at one night a fortnight I would be suggesting someone gives up their room for a night when she is around - sharing the space

It's far from ideal but sharing should be seen as caring ( now where did that guff come from , nevertheless the principal is there )

maddening · 22/11/2023 08:15

Are any rooms big.enough to be split? Even if that gave 2 tiny rooms dsc could take them as they are on there 2 out of 14 nights.

Could the eow be arranged so the dsc are there when your dc are sleeping (on the floor of a bedsit) at their fathers and have 2 beds in one bedroom so dsd has her own space in one of your dcs rooms?

idealgift · 22/11/2023 08:16

bit confused

your 11 and 12 year old presumably share?

Original poster
Dancebaby1989 · 22/11/2023 08:16

No my children can not share with DSS he is extremely loud, wakes up at night and has previously shown nasty behaviour towards them when he doesn’t get his own way. My DS do currently share but this is getting harder with my youngest ASD, sleep issues, exact placement of items etc and is causing arguments.
I get the extra space but a whole room empty for 12 nights a fortnight minimum and that’s if she comes- didn’t come at all for 2 months and refused to come on our 2 weeks family holiday this year.
Step children’s room is big enough to divide partially and we have discussed that but it couldn’t be 2 exact rooms as it’s a loft room.

OP posts:
soscarlet · 22/11/2023 08:17

The 14 year old is the only girl in this mix. She should definitely have her own space.

I can imagine she wouldn’t be very happy to be either stuck in a room with her brother or as an afterthought in the living room. It won’t make her feel welcome in her father’s home and might make her not want to stay over. Is that your plan?

justalittlesnoel · 22/11/2023 08:18

I think the 12 year old boy who's there 13 nights a fortnight should have their own room, over a 14 year old girl who's there 2 nights a fortnight. Especially if your youngest two are sharing and the ASD is becoming an issue, it would be more beneficial to them two!

idealgift · 22/11/2023 08:18

still confused

PuttingDownRoots · 22/11/2023 08:19

If the DD, 10yo and 11yo all cannot share then you need to create an extra space somehow.

Original poster
Dancebaby1989 · 22/11/2023 08:19

So 4 bedrooms currently 1- me and DH, 2- my DS12 and 11,3- SD14 and SS 10 and 4- DS 21

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 22/11/2023 08:20

It would seem unreasonable for your boys to continue to share with a room then being empty for 12 out of 14 nights.

But I can also see that the 14 year old girl would want space.

There needs to be a compromise somewhere.

To me, the obvious solution is that your boys have their own room, and your dsd uses one of the rooms when she is with you. If that is a weekend when your boys are elsewhere, then no problem, but if it's a weekend when they are around then they share.

I think the conversation needs to be had with all the kids and find out if they have any suggestions to how this could work.

Aprilx · 22/11/2023 08:21

I can’t work it the arrangements as they are, you have really not explained it very well. But of course a 14 year old girl should have her own space. I bet you wouldn’t dream of making a 14 year old daughter of your own share with boys. Are you just trying to deter her from visiting? If so, yep, you are on track for that.

idealgift · 22/11/2023 08:22

on your thread last month you said that they come every weekend

Createausername1970 · 22/11/2023 08:24

Createausername1970 · 22/11/2023 08:20

It would seem unreasonable for your boys to continue to share with a room then being empty for 12 out of 14 nights.

But I can also see that the 14 year old girl would want space.

There needs to be a compromise somewhere.

To me, the obvious solution is that your boys have their own room, and your dsd uses one of the rooms when she is with you. If that is a weekend when your boys are elsewhere, then no problem, but if it's a weekend when they are around then they share.

I think the conversation needs to be had with all the kids and find out if they have any suggestions to how this could work.

I meant your boys share a room for those nights when dsd is staying.

Original poster
Dancebaby1989 · 22/11/2023 08:24

She is currently sharing with her brother not my DS.
it’s not a personal attack on her as some are suggesting just trying to actually use the space

OP posts:
MassageForLife · 22/11/2023 08:25

Definitely split the biggest room you can into two, for two small rooms for the children that are not there every night.

Wolfpa · 22/11/2023 08:25

Can you come to an agreement that your SD gets her own room when she is over and it is used by one of your children during the week. She really shouldn’t be sharing any more.

or alternate your weekends so your sons are at their dads the same weekend your SC are with you.

Nutsabouttopic · 22/11/2023 08:25

I wouldn't leave a room empty 99% of the time so that dsd can have a room to herself. Your boys are living there it's their home. Dad has her own room in her primary residence. At 14 how long more will she be coming and staying at weekends. Her social life will take over. I would give the room to your 12 year old. When both of your dhs children come over put dss in with one of your boys so dsd has room to herself. Who is kicking off about this dsd, ex or dh?

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 22/11/2023 08:26

The daughter definitely needs her own space when she stays. Even if that space is used between times for something else. Also if step son is that horrendous why’s it ok for her to share with him and not the other kids?

Createausername1970 · 22/11/2023 08:30

Now read your update, so makes more sense.

Both your boys have their own room, but with the proviso that step son uses/shares one of them, depending on whether he stays when your sons are at home or not.

Step daughter gets the one she currently shares with her brother.

margotrose · 22/11/2023 08:30

I would give your stepchildren the largest room and divide it so that they both have some privacy when they visit.

Then your sons have their own (smaller) rooms.

Gnomegnomegnome · 22/11/2023 08:32

Could you and your Dh sleep on a sofa bed in the sitting room and dsd had your room when she’s there?

She needs her own space but I think giving her a room which is empty apart from once a fortnight is ridiculous.

ToDamp0rNotToDamp · 22/11/2023 08:32

Could you do:
Bedroom 1: you and husband
Bedroom 2: DS12
Bedroom 3: DS11
Bedroom 4: SD14

then when your SS10 comes to stay, he could either:
a) go in to the living room. Turn this into a fun den for him when he’s there so he doesn’t feel like he’s a second thought. And maybe limit other peoples use of the space while he is there (if that is possible)
b) he shares with DS12 and you have an extra bed in that bedroom. and you incentivise this by letting DS12 having the biggest of the bedrooms on offer and possibly choices over decorating / setting it up as a fun space ?!

Catza · 22/11/2023 08:35

I have a nearly 14 y/o stepdaughter who is with us every other weekend and during most school holidays. She is absolutely happy to be plonked wherever - it's all a bit of an adventure to her. In our old house, she slept in my office on a pull out couch. In the new house she technically has her own room as we moved my office to the conservatory (we lost one room in this move), however, we have our friend staying here who works for my partner's business for 6 months each year so when he is here, he takes her room and she sleeps in the living room. She never once complained and is very happy to visit her dad and always feels it is her home regardless of whether she gets to sleep in her own room or not. It's all about how the children feel and interact. My friends' kids are 16(M) and 18(F) and they still share a room and loving it, have a very close sibling bond and it hasn't occurred to them once that they would want to have it any other way.
I think it is very unreasonable to expect to have a room entirely empty for the vast majority of time. The most obvious solution, if she really feels she needs her own space, is for her to take over the room for two night she is with you and the original occupant to bunk up with his brother. But it seems to me that it is less about her own wishes and more about what her mother wants. So the first thing I would do is to actually ask her what her preference would be.