Who gets the room

[Dancebaby1989]

So I have 3 DS 21,12 and 11- youngest has ASD (just for context) they live with me and DH and go to their dads EOW for 1 night in a bedside so sleep on floor and sofa there hence why only 1 night.
DH has DD 14 and DS 10 who we have EOW for 2 nights and each have own rooms at mums but share here. For information DSD is currently coming both nights and has done for 3 visits but 6 months prior would only do 1 if any overnights.
My DS21 is moving out in the new year and DH ex has expressed she is pleased both her children will now have there own room here too. However I think my 12 year old should go into that room as they are here all the time and have never had their own space. I have said DSD can either use of living room (metal action sofa bed) while here or continues sharing but now all hell is breaking loose.
so who should get the room?

The child who will be there more often of course!

It makes no sense to have a room standing empty for most of the time while DC share, so your DC get the room.
Your 14 year old DSD needs privacy so when she comes you and DH should take the living room and give her your room.

Not a drop feed he is a minor and not my child so I am not going to disclose the exact details of what occurred but put this for replies to understand why him bunking in with my DC when here is not an option in any circumstance

Why can't you just split the DSC's room? It's clearly far and away the best option. Everyone will do better with their own permanent space.

Yes, this.

If your stepson can’t share with anyone then into the living room he goes.

I think your DSs should get a room each as they're there most of the time, but share when DSD comes to stay so she has somewhere to go. I had 3 brothers growing up and would have hated having to share with them, especially at 14. I know it's not ideal for you DSs not having access to their rooms 2 nights a fortnight but given the situation something's got to give and compromises are going have to be made. They can take turn of who gives up their room so it's not always the same one and just take whatever they need out before she arrives.

I'm sure they'd be pleased at only having to share 2 nights a fortnight and having their own rooms the rest of the time given that they currently share.

This is a great suggestion. I think involving the kids in the decision making rather than just telling them what the arrangements are will make everyone more likely to be understanding and compromise.

Your boys get their own room and have to share when step daughters there or partition room step children share even partially will be good to give some privacy. No point a room being vacant for most of the time or she has the living room. I would discuss the options with all the children together and see which they like the best. We had to convert our garage into a room as all 3 of my children are autistic and need their own room. The first option may not be viable as being autistic he may not be able to cope with the change but he may surprise you and be able to.

It’s a no brainier for me. Your 12 yo is there for the majority of the time so they should of course get the room in their home!

you could see if you can convert the loft space into another bedroom so that everyone gets their own room

Leaving a room empty for the majority of the time is very silly. Your DS live at your house the majority of the time so should get a room. I never had a room at my Dads house, my SS each had a room and we either shared with them or slept downstairs in the lounge (mix of boys & girls). We had our own rooms at our mums house. Didn’t stop us visiting.

if you have a dining room, could that be your DSD’s Or DSS room when they come if they don’t want to share?

You and DH get one
DSD gets the smallest.
Largest free room is DS 12 with a bunk and the step bro sleeps in there
Fourth to DS with ASD.

If DSS misbehaves he is punished and corrected appropriately. Worse case scenario you put a trundle in with his Bron and he sleeps on the floor there

Alt split the sttict

Now at 16 and 18, I find opposites sharing a room a touch too far.

Do you happen to have a small dining room downstairs one of the children staying 4 nights a month could use? Failing that I cannot see how it's fair two children use half the bedrooms for 4 nights each a month.
I'd give them a decent sized room and use the quirky room divider furniture you can get these days, or can you convert part of the garage if you have one? All a bit expensive though

Would it be feasible to have them one at a time?

"or can you convert part of the garage if you have one"

I was thinking of suggesting this, but without the conversion...😀

It's not entirely clear from your post how many rooms there are, but if the gist of it is that there is one fewer room than there are children, I would give your DSD her own room and put an extra bed in one of your children's rooms so your DSS bunks in with one of them on the weekends when he is staying.

I agree that your children shouldn't have to share a room for the sake of step siblings who are only there every other weekend but a 14 year old girl sharing with her brother isn't really appropriate.

I think it is silly to have an empty room for that time when DSD are not there but understand DSD needs her space when she visits. I would put your son in there on the understanding that he has to give up the room for DSD visits. Although this is not ideal either it seems the only way to cater to everyone.

I would ditch the 'D'SS full stop and not allow him in my house or around my children if it were me, personally. You've done well to accept it this far with such safeguarding concerns.

Ex has no say on what goes in your home. The two children that live there permanently should get their own rooms. The step kids share with a room partition or the SS sleeps in the living room - assuming he can be trusted unsupervised in there.

so at the moment 1 out of 4 rooms is empty 26 days out of every 30? and DH ex wants you to also keep a 2nd room empty? So you'll have 4 people living in your house full time (excepting the 2 days per month your boys go to your DH, which I wouldn't even count, lots of kids have sleepovers more often than that!) but you all have to squeeze into 2 bedrooms, keeping another 2 bedrooms empty?

Absolutely no way would I be doing that and it's a pisstake to ask.

I'd keep 1 room spare but either DSD can sleep with her brother, or he can behave himself and stay with one of your ds, or one of your ds stay with their brother those nights and DSD has their room, or her and her brother alternate when they visit.... but no way would I be paying for a 4 bed house and only using 2 of them!