Who gets the room

[Dancebaby1989]

So I have 3 DS 21,12 and 11- youngest has ASD (just for context) they live with me and DH and go to their dads EOW for 1 night in a bedside so sleep on floor and sofa there hence why only 1 night.
DH has DD 14 and DS 10 who we have EOW for 2 nights and each have own rooms at mums but share here. For information DSD is currently coming both nights and has done for 3 visits but 6 months prior would only do 1 if any overnights.
My DS21 is moving out in the new year and DH ex has expressed she is pleased both her children will now have there own room here too. However I think my 12 year old should go into that room as they are here all the time and have never had their own space. I have said DSD can either use of living room (metal action sofa bed) while here or continues sharing but now all hell is breaking loose.
so who should get the room?

I would let the child living there full time have the room but then bunk him in with his brother when your step daughter is there so that she can have some privacy.

They stay over twice a month for 2 nights at a time but should have their own room while the children there permanently do not?

that makes no sense to me at all. What happens to the room the 20ish days they aren’t there?

the 12 year old should have it. I am sure the 14 yr old can manage for 4 nights a month sharing.

if you do give it to your 12 year why should they give it up when the others visit. 12 year olds need privacy to.

so at the moment 1 out of 4 rooms is empty 26 days out of every 30? and DH ex wants you to also keep a 2nd room empty? So you'll have 4 people living in your house full time (excepting the 2 days per month your boys go to your DH, which I wouldn't even count, lots of kids have sleepovers more often than that!) but you all have to squeeze into 2 bedrooms, keeping another 2 bedrooms empty?

I agree-it’s crazy!

I can't believe the people saying the DSD needs her own room for one or two nights in 14.

The kids who live there should have their own room.

Do your best to split the other room to give as much privacy as possible for DSD. Or have DSD and DSS on alternative weekends if he isn't safe to share with. Not sure why he's too dangerous to share with either of your boys, but fine to share with his sister?

Bit confused why the ex would just assume her children get their own rooms in your house or feels she even gets an opinion.
Surely the 2 children living there all week get their own room as they spend most of their time there, the SD and SS have their own rooms at their mums where they spend most of their time. For the sake of EOW surely the step kids can share for a night or 2.

A child with ASD needs their own space, especially as they get older. It's none negotiable when there is room. I'd split a room and they can all suck it up. Ridiculous letting the ex dictate.

I would put the step children in the biggest room and divide it with Kallax. I'd get doors / backs for it so neither has access to the others things and each has their own storage. Alternatively, if you can afford it then pay for it to be divided professionally.

Ultimately, its your home that you pay for. You divide it as you see fit. Step children's mum needs to wind her neck in.

ETA: I would not make children who live in the home permanently share so step children can have their own space 4 days a month.

No, your DSs shouldn’t share so DSD gets a room she barely uses! I’ve read all the OP’s posts and agree that DSS shouldn’t have access to DSs’ rooms at any point.

The best solution seems to be putting a partition up in the SC’s room even if it doesn’t make two completely separate rooms because that way they have their own space and some privacy. It’s only 4 nights a month!

There needs to be a longer term solution for DSS’s behaviour because it may not be possible to just tell him he can’t go in the other rooms for much longer and he may become aggressive towards DSD.

Your child who lives there all of the time should get the room, as you have an SEN child to who shows signs of aggressive behaviour it sounds like a no brainer.

your husband ex needs to keep her nose out and not assume on your family situation, that room is currently servicing one of your children so that’s what was agreed before and should remain especially with the circumstances.

continue with you plan for 12 year old to go in that room, see if you can divide step children’s room in someway instead.

One of the rooms has OP's 21yr old in them, so there are only two spare rooms in the house if I'm understanding correctly?

I would move one of your younger son's into the bedroom that is freeing up but then have your two younger sons share when your step daughter is over. It doesn't make sense for her to have her own room when it will be empty most the time, but when you have all the kids over there's not enough room so someone needs to share and this just makes the most practical sense. I think step daughter is too old for sharing with step brother, step brother can't share with your sons so your sons sharing is the only solution unless you have another spare room like an office that could double as a bedroom. This seems like a fair compromise to me.

Couldn’t your kids both have own rooms, step daughter gets the smallest room as her room and step son shares with your 12 year old in his room when he stays? Use this opportunity for everyone to move around into rooms that suit their needs

I can't follow all these abbreviations as to who is who, but my golden rules, would be

1. kids over 10 only share in same sex rooms
2. kids with additional needs get to sleep alone or only where sharing is ok for them and whoever they share with, before other kids regardless of age
3. If some kids don't have to share it should be the oldest one who gets first priority to not share, unless rule 1 or 2 trumps this.

For example, in 3 if we had 2 rooms for 3 girls aged 14,12 and 10 - the 14 year old would get their own room, and the 10&12 year old would share. If we had 2 rooms for a boy of 10 and girls of 12 and 14, then the 12&14 year old should share, while the 10 year old gets his own room.

It is obvious to me that the children that live there most of the time get their own rooms. She has her own room at her mum's house where she spends most of her time, why should the boys not get to have their own rooms at their house?
Just because she is a girl doesn't mean she can't share a room for one night with her own brother! I mean really, people share rooms all over the world, not everyone has the luxury of a bedroom each, it doesn't do people any harm.

I offered the living room with the sofa bed as it’s to the front and more private with tv etc and our dining room is a kitchen / diner - large open plan that could be used as the ‘family space’ when she is staying over. It is DH that is not keen on DSS being in the front room as when SD stopped staying over for months he still always come and visited and feels like he wants to actually visit so didn’t want him feeling like she was preferable over him.

Bed one you

Beds 2 and 3 DS11 DS 12

Bed 4 DSS

EOW DS 11 and 12 take it in turns to share rooms and DSD uses their empty bedroom

No it's not ideal for anyone but seems the best compromise. Maybe she can be given a dedicated storage area of her own eg airing cupboard

I would definitely give your DS the bedroom as DSD is only there 1/2 nights per fortnight and also has her own room in her own house so it would be really unfair to you DS as that is his house, I get that a 14yr old needs their space but 1/2 nights isn’t going to hurt sharing with her DB

She’s not coming over because she has no space of her own and feels unwelcome/uncomfortable I bet!!

I think if your OHs children are only with you EOW I don't think they should get a room to themselves at the expense of another child (yours) who's living there full time.
It's not ideal but this is something families deal with all the time.
I think your children should be prepared to 'share' their room tho when the SC stay over. Personally as one of your kids I'd rather have half a room to myself than a room that anyone else could sleep in.
Could you make a sort of crafty move where the room became a neutral guest room...that your son used a lot!