Who gets the room

[Dancebaby1989]

So I have 3 DS 21,12 and 11- youngest has ASD (just for context) they live with me and DH and go to their dads EOW for 1 night in a bedside so sleep on floor and sofa there hence why only 1 night.
DH has DD 14 and DS 10 who we have EOW for 2 nights and each have own rooms at mums but share here. For information DSD is currently coming both nights and has done for 3 visits but 6 months prior would only do 1 if any overnights.
My DS21 is moving out in the new year and DH ex has expressed she is pleased both her children will now have there own room here too. However I think my 12 year old should go into that room as they are here all the time and have never had their own space. I have said DSD can either use of living room (metal action sofa bed) while here or continues sharing but now all hell is breaking loose.
so who should get the room?

I would add though, I get that your SD needs her own space in amongst 3 brother but a room in your house sitting empty for the majority of the week is also ridiculous.
If she did have her own room, I think I would fashion this as a room you and your husband can use during the week - perhaps an office. Or that the children living with you mostly full time could use for studying etc. As long as they understood that when SD was over, the room is hers alone.

The fairest way is for your Ds to have the room.

The DSD and DSS both have their own rooms at their mum's house so it's only fair that your DC have their own rooms too.

The DSC will have to continue sharing a room at their dad's house just like your ds's have to share at their dad's house.

What's the point in having a room standing empty 12 nights out of 14 when there is a child in the home who can use it.

Due to DS aggression and behaviour he would not be sharing with either of my DS at any point- currently we have very strict rules about him even being in their bedroom due to him purposely damaging items etc.
so DSS who come more often and frequently than DSD should be in the living room on visits rather than her?
Due to medical issues I need to be in my room/ bed

@WelshWannabe never thought about it like this. That’s a very good point!

OP i the thread you started last month…. why did you say your step children came every weekend?

Also we have my DC and dSC the same weekend and I feel it unfair that my DS get a room (if that’s how we proceed) but get moved out and unable to use there stuff- TV, games consoles on there weekend in their own home

Is there a reason why SS cannot share with DS12 when he stays?

But agree with above, that no point in a room being empty for 13 nights out of 14. Surely the ex can understand that?

I'm struggling to follow. It is important stepdaughter gets her own space but if you have 4 bedrooms then could you bunk the 10 year old in with 12 year old 2 nights a fortnight? Maybe in the room that is big enough to partially split? Or give 12 year old the choice of doing that (with perks) and bunking in with his brother 2 nights a fortnight.

Or from the other end, would it help if you and husband take a smaller room to give more options for splitting?

If you can't split your stepdaughter from her brother then you can't, but doing so should be a pretty high priority. Leaving 2 kids' bedrooms empty for 12 nights a fortnight while your autistic child shares is a step too far though.

op why are you ignoring my post pointing out that last month you started a thread and you said that your step children are with you every weekend?

Because if you read down that post it was a type O that got corrected in the threat so I can be bothered to acknowledge it

As I have said DSS can not and will not be allowed to share with my DS due to his aggression and behaviour- yes he is younger but ALOT bigger in weight and size

Ignore me, I misread the post

No I didn’t!

Why is it OK for stepdaughter to share with aggressive son?

Then move the stuff around so they can still use it ?

It's a family , real life so not everything can be perfect all the time

DSS is not aggressive with her as he knows she would not tolerate it- however my DS12 is very placid so let’s it go until it gets to a certain point

What has it got to do with the ex?! I don’t have the brass neck to comment on what goes on in other people’s house. Whoever is there the most gets their own rooms, EOW for 2 nights is very little anyway

Can't your youngest share with his brother one weekend a fortnight to let your sd sleep in his room?

I assume your ss has SN as well, and isn't just a badly behaved brat being rewarded for his behaviour?

Well just split the loft even if it isn’t 2 exact rooms. 2 stepkids there with DSD having the more private space.

Your DSs can have their own rooms most of the time, then go in together for the nights when DSD is there.

Your DSD is now of an age where needs privacy when she visits you s she is the only girl. You need to find a way to facilitate this.

This doesn't mean a dedicated room that stands empty when she isn't there but someone might well have to move rooms temporarily when she is there.

I think this is what you should do too. Stuff can be moved, that sounds like you are looking for excuses to not share now.

I think you and your husband are being unreasonable as you clearly have too many children for too small a house. But specifically, you cannot expect a 14yo girl to have no privacy in a house full of boys. Poor girl, I feel really sorry for her.

But the girl shouldn't be sharing with the boy

So the near permanent kids get their own rooms but bunk up when an extra room is needed

Just as they would have to do if other family came to visit

And you do what it takes to make it work

Life was easier when people were less privileged, same sex room sharing was normal and no one had anything much in their rooms , all used the one tv in the living room - but if the children can see what they have is a privilege not a right it will help them face the world stronger and happier

DSD is an older girl, and the "aggressive son" is her full sibling.

I would assume DSS would have more issues with a half-brother who is close to his own age.

Is there a way you could switch the custody so your SKs come the weekend they are at their Dads? And then the 1 night they are all there together your 2 sons share.

OK, OK, we're just trying to help and it was hard to unpick from your OP. In later posts DSS and DS are easy to muddle - I read it (admittedly skim read) that it was your youngest who was bigger and aggressive.

It puts a different spin on it when you are happily making your stepdaughter share with a child you won't put your own in with. You want 5 bedrooms and you only have 4 - no solution is going to be perfect - but there are a lot of creative solutions out there.

Long term even if SD stops coming, it would be great to have an extra private space carved out somehow. Five children is a lot especially with the mix of needs and sexes. Hopefully your eldest will settle and never need to move back in but it would be nice to have somewhere to put him if he did.