Who gets the room

[Dancebaby1989]

So I have 3 DS 21,12 and 11- youngest has ASD (just for context) they live with me and DH and go to their dads EOW for 1 night in a bedside so sleep on floor and sofa there hence why only 1 night.
DH has DD 14 and DS 10 who we have EOW for 2 nights and each have own rooms at mums but share here. For information DSD is currently coming both nights and has done for 3 visits but 6 months prior would only do 1 if any overnights.
My DS21 is moving out in the new year and DH ex has expressed she is pleased both her children will now have there own room here too. However I think my 12 year old should go into that room as they are here all the time and have never had their own space. I have said DSD can either use of living room (metal action sofa bed) while here or continues sharing but now all hell is breaking loose.
so who should get the room?

No way would I make a girl that age share with a boy. Clearly the answer is for someone to move out of their room on the nights she's staying over. Eg:

Could you and your Dh sleep on a sofa bed in the sitting room and dsd had your room when she’s there?

Or one of your boys does similar so she can sleep in that room. She doesn't need a space there when she's not around, but she should sleep in a room on her own, and as she isn't being given a room, she shouldn't be stuck on the sofabed like an afterthought. Give up your room on the nights she's there. But it's untenable for her to share with her brother and I can't believe you'd not see that.

By far the best and easiest option would be to divide the loft room in some way so that DSS and DSD can both have their own permanent space and nobody gets moved around and disrupted on a regular basis or needs to feel territorial about their own room and things. Is that feasible?

If it's not feasible, I'd talk to your DSs. Are they nice kids who generally get on well with their step sister? If so, I'd explain to them that she is now getting to an age where girls need their own space and it absolutely isn't appropriate for her to share with her younger brother any more. Make clear to them that you would like them to have more space of their own now that their older brother is moving out, but that you need them to help work out how to make sure that stepsister is also comfortable and properly accommodated while she's here. Discuss the various options with them (she has the other room and DSS shares with one of them while he's here; one of them moves in with the other and lets her have their room while she's there). See what they suggest. If moving around or sharing is presented as part of the package when being upgraded to own rooms then they're likely to deal with it more gracefully than if it's imposed on them later on. But it would be best avoided if possible.

I’m with the previous poster who pointed out each child should have their own room in the house where they spend the majority of their time. So your boys have a room each in your house. The remaining bedroom is a spare room and is used for guests. Your DSD would probably be the one using it most often with your DSS on the sofa bed. So I think the arrangement you’ve suggested is a fair one.

The aggressive child sleeps on the sofa

The aggressive child gets a room by themselves when they are there as does the daughter and everyone else shuffles up and copes

It's going to be hard to fix the broken child with love and support given how little you see them but you should a least try

I'd have the room be mainly for the child using it most of the time. Its completely daft to be saving an empty room for someone only there one night a week.

Lots of families will go on holiday or visit family regularly and have children sharing for short periods, even teens of different sexes. We used to holiday with DS family and his 18 yo brother and 16 yo sister were fine sharing when i started going too and sharing with DH. They just used the bathroom to change etc.

I'd have a schedule to ensure both get privacy to dress etc.

Ridiculous to give a child who's hardly ever there a room It goes to a resident child, obviously. Stick to your guns.

The ex is stirring the shit.

Is the loft room the largest room? Or is your bedroom larger? Would it make sense to divide your room rather than the loft room, and you and your husband move to the loft room? You mentioned medical reasons so not sure if this is feasible.

Agree with this. Why are you even engaging in this discussion with the ex? Your h needs to shut that conversation down

all hell breaking loose indeed! The entitlement!

@Dancebaby1989 of course the kids who live there get priority over the room and when dsd comes she can either share with her brother- get a partition or a sofa bed. If you can get a partition that folds, that might help. It’s one night every fortnight!

Your H could sleep on the sofa and DSD bunk in with you, although I would put a stud wall in the loft room personally. Does the 10yo have SEN?

Ds 12 and 11 have own rooms
DSD has own room
DSS shares either one of the DS' when they are there - this is after DS21 has moved out.

So there are 4 bedrooms? You get a room, your DS’s have a room each but one has bunk beds and is where all toys are kept. Leaving one room left. Make it up into a nice plain spare room. When the step kids come, move one of your DSs to share with his brother. DSS goes in the room DS has vacated: DSD gets the spare room. She’s 14, dealing with periods, masturbation, mood swings etc. it’s not ok to expect her to share with a teenage boy whoever he is.

Your 12 year old as they are there permanently what’s the point of keeping a room empty for almost two weeks, you already have one room not used

i would do
B1 yours
B2 DS 12
B3 DS 11
B4 either DSD or DSS. The other could either sleep in the lounge or perhaps DSS could share with DS12?

Or could the largest room be split with a divider of some sort to give the step children space each?

Your kids should definitely get their own rooms in their own home. Your DH is not the resident parent. Just work on a way to divide the loft room properly.

Bunkbeds in the room.

DS 12 uses one bunk and when SS is around shares with his brother. That way SD has her own bed and her own space.

Also talk to the children, the boys might want to continue sharing.

They might have other ideas such as having a play room / their own gaming room and continue to share.

I think you need to have a look at your relationship with DSD. At 14 she is probably having periods and her body is changing, I don't think at 14 I would have wanted to go on holiday with three boys.

What was the plan when you originally got together?

I think the SD has to have her own room but maybe you could make her room more of a shared room, maybe have a desk or storage in theirs for everyone to use.

Room 1 - parents
2 - DS12
3 - DS11
4 - Spare room/ DSD when she's there

When DSS is there, DS11 and DS12 share for a couple of nights and he takes the remaining room.

i read the entire thread and no where do you say it was a typo

so you say on your other thread it was every weekend. but actually that was a typo? and it’s every other weekend?

I don't think at 14 I would have wanted to go on holiday with three boys.

That's life - in whose world does a 14 year old get to opt out of going on a family holiday with 3 brothers?

Only 1 is related to her and we have no idea how long the OP and her DH have been together.

Inclined to agree.

with 4 bedrooms I would do
1- you and DH
2- DS11 room. This should have bunks or twins (which DS12 can sleep in occasionally)
3- DS 11 gets a room but gives it up for SS when he visits. (Have a wardrobe or cupboard that is lockable so SS can’t access or damage anything of DSs)
4- SD14 in smallest

if SS10 wants to cause trouble in DS11s room then he goes on a blow up in the living room or on the floor in your room so your DH can parent him. At 10 he is hardly going to have a wildly different bedtime to you both and it’s one

If SD needs her own room then SS can’t stay overnight until his behaviour is sorted out and it is safe for him to share with your one of your DS. Or if he’s okay with a lounge set-up.

Also it’s irrelevant what DH’s ex thinks. She’s trying to have a say in what goes on inside your own home. Firm nope.

That shoud say stepbrother, not half-brother.

I'd let your soon have the room. He's there full time.
Who is the ex wife to dictate who has rooms in your house.

So main 3 bedrooms are a very similar size with 2 loft rooms on the 3rd floor with stairs up the middle, mine and DH bedroom on the middle floor which is directly below DSC room so very similar size (probably inches difference) and then current DS21 room is a real ‘box’ room next to the bathroom and my DC room above.
Due to DSS behaviour towards his mums step children at her house (more than one occasion) I was advised to never permit bedroom sharing with my children as a safeguard concern so even a night in with one of them will never be an option.