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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

who is being unreasonable? TW - accident

121 replies

Kellogs1818 · 21/11/2023 19:22

I don't want to say who I am in this situation straight away.

Basically a dad has two children with his ex partner. He also has a new wife and children with her.

Dad was in a very serious accident and was in hospital for a long time, it was very touch and go for a while.

During this time, the children visited but the fathers wife refused to have them at their house and all child related responsibilities were left to their mother during this time.

The father is at home but still unwell and unable to do much at all for the foreseeable. His wife is still refusing overnights although the children will visit their dad at home saying that it's too much as majority of their care will be left to her and she has her children with him too.

Mum is struggling due to her work commitments, wife is pissed off at the request at a difficult time.

Who is reasonable (or not?)

Obviously it's a tricky and sensitive situation.

OP posts:

LonelyFlans · 21/11/2023 19:25

I think the mum should have the kids full time while dad is recovering.
If dad didn't have a new wife they wouldn't be able to stay as he's not fit to look after them.

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 21/11/2023 19:25

I think you need to look at it as though who would do most of the care if you were still together and your partner had had an awful accident and couldn’t provide full time care? Would your work commitments suffer? Yes they probably would still.

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 21/11/2023 19:26

@LonelyFlans also this, if he was single, you’d have to do it all. She has a very unwell partner and her own children to take care of.

whatkatydid2013 · 21/11/2023 19:27

I don’t necessarily think anyone is being unreasonable.

Looking after 2 extra kids overnight when you also have an unwell partner that might need your help is going to be challenging.

Its also understandable if you rely on your ex sharing childcare duties in order to work and you’ve used up your alternatives for help that you’d be stressed out.

Overall it’s a difficult and frustrating situation all round but it’s no one’s fault and it’s ok for both ex and current wife to be struggling

Gcsunnyside23 · 21/11/2023 19:31

I think it's right that they stay with their mum. It not step mums responsibility and has alot on her plate too and I'm sure her work commitments are affected roo. There could be a compromise on support but that would depend on circumstances, ages and relationships

Whiteday · 21/11/2023 19:37

So the wife has the stress of dealing with a very unwell DH. Who was in hospital, now home and no doubt needing additional care and the ex thinks she should have responsibility for their joint children?

If you're the wife YANBU

If you're the ex, give your head a wobble and YABU!

justalittlesnoel · 21/11/2023 19:40

I think they need to stay with their mum - it's distressing having a seriously ill person at home to care for along with children, especially then with two extra children on top of that visiting! Realistically they're not getting quality time spent with their dad if he's seriously ill and recovering, child related responsibilities should be with one of the actual parents, in this case, the mother.

If it was touch and go this poor current wife had to deal with nearly losing her husband and father of her children, which must have also been distressing for the older DC with his ex. But the new wife isn't going to be in a position to be providing childcare and care for her DH, so for now the daytime visits need to do and when the DH is fully recovered then overnights can resume.

Travis1 · 21/11/2023 19:43

Did the ex honestly expect new wife to take step kids whilst dad was in hospital? Am I reading that right?! Jesus. The ex is the unreasonable one. Obviously the new wife can’t look after all the children plus her seriously unwell husband

wokbun · 21/11/2023 19:45

I'm assuming you're the wife and if so well done for sticking up for yourself

Mrgrinch · 21/11/2023 19:46

The dad is clearly not able to care for the children and it's not right to assume that his wife will do so.

It's a shit situation but unfortunately the mum has to have them for the foreseeable until he's able again.

Comedycook · 21/11/2023 19:46

It's not the new wife's responsibility. If she wasn't around, the mum would have to deal with her kids herself while the dad is incapacitated.

It might be a nice gesture for the new wife to help but she's under no obligation.

The mums difficulties with work and childcare are not the problem of new wife

Rjahdhdvd · 21/11/2023 19:47

The ex is unreasonable; yes it’s hard if they planned work around arrangements with dad but step mum is also in this position plus has the physical and emotional impact of her husbands accident

margotrose · 21/11/2023 19:48

The children need to stay with their mother.

Candlecrackers · 21/11/2023 19:48

Mum (the ex) needs to have full responsibility for kids while dad is recovering. Short supervised visits okay and hopefully these will increase as dad's health improves. It's very hard on everyone, but new partner is not responsible for all the kids.
Good to hear dad is recovering, albeit slowly.

Mamato29192 · 21/11/2023 19:49

If you're the wife YANBU

HunterHearstHelmsley · 21/11/2023 19:50

It is a difficult situation for both the ex and the wife.

For the ex, she has a contact schedule with the children's father that accommodates her work.

For the the wife, she has young children and an unwell partner to care for.

I don't think anyone is wrong (other than the ex for expecting the wife to have overnights when her husband was in hospital) but it would be unfair for the ex to expect the wife to take more on at this time.

Hopefully there are other childcare options available as it seems like a terrible time for all involved.

LisaD1 · 21/11/2023 19:50

I think this is a time for everyone to pull together. Mum should have the kids full time whilst the step mum concentrates in caring for the unwell dad. There’s enough stress in this situation, I’d do what I could to alleviate that if I were mum.

Gnomegnomegnome · 21/11/2023 19:50

The ex is being unreasonable. If they were still together and this happened the ex would be doing everything because the Dh/xh isn’t able to.
If he had died would the ex expect the new wife to take care of the dc?

If you are the newer wife do not back down. You have enough on your plate.

Heronwatcher · 21/11/2023 19:51

Yes I think overnights when the dad is so unwell is a bit much. Why would the kids want this anyway, I can’t imagine the dad is up to spending much quality time with the kids overnight/ early morning either?

OdeToBarney · 21/11/2023 19:51

The ex is hugely unreasonable.

CharlotteRose90 · 21/11/2023 19:52

I think the ex needs to juts have the kids on her own for the time being. Dad can’t have them so mum must and plenty of single mums do it without help.

the new wife is being generous enough to allow them to visit occasionally but isn’t obligated to look after them plus a sick dh and her own kids.!

PearlClutzsche · 21/11/2023 19:52

No, newer wife shouldn't have to look after the children: she has her own children and an unwell husband to look after.

Neitheronethingnortheother · 21/11/2023 19:53

Sounds like there are two women who are having to look after their children full time because the children's dad is ill.

But only one of the women thinks that the other one should help her more.

Perhaps if the ex had been more generous and offered to look after the step mum's kids (her children's siblings) some of the time then the step mum would have been more willing to have the ex kids some of the time. This all could have been a lot smoother with some kindness and maturity.

WowOK · 21/11/2023 19:56

The children's mother needs to look after them. While I understand that it's difficult juggling the children and work commitments I think current wife has enough on her plate. Hopefully, the dad will get better soon.

Bournetilly · 21/11/2023 19:57

The mum is being unreasonable.
The wife has enough to do looking after unwell husband and her own children. The mum only has to look after her own children.

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