Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

who is being unreasonable? TW - accident

121 replies

Kellogs1818 · 21/11/2023 19:22

I don't want to say who I am in this situation straight away.

Basically a dad has two children with his ex partner. He also has a new wife and children with her.

Dad was in a very serious accident and was in hospital for a long time, it was very touch and go for a while.

During this time, the children visited but the fathers wife refused to have them at their house and all child related responsibilities were left to their mother during this time.

The father is at home but still unwell and unable to do much at all for the foreseeable. His wife is still refusing overnights although the children will visit their dad at home saying that it's too much as majority of their care will be left to her and she has her children with him too.

Mum is struggling due to her work commitments, wife is pissed off at the request at a difficult time.

Who is reasonable (or not?)

Obviously it's a tricky and sensitive situation.

OP posts:
WeeSleekitCowrinTimrousBeastie · 21/11/2023 19:59

It's not the step mum's responsibility to provide you with childcare.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 21/11/2023 19:59

Whiteday · 21/11/2023 19:37

So the wife has the stress of dealing with a very unwell DH. Who was in hospital, now home and no doubt needing additional care and the ex thinks she should have responsibility for their joint children?

If you're the wife YANBU

If you're the ex, give your head a wobble and YABU!

How could anyone think otherwise!?

purplecorkheart · 21/11/2023 20:00

So basically to sum up the wife is looking after her kids with dh and pretty much being a full time carer for her dh. Ex expects wife to take care of sc along with that.

Ex needs to cop the f. on.

Gnomegnomegnome · 21/11/2023 20:00

Does the ex wife ever look after or have the xh younger dc overnight?

If not why not?

CandyLeBonBon · 21/11/2023 20:02

  1. Dad is very poorly.

  2. Mum 2 has her hands full looking after him plus her own kids and doesn't really feel up to coping with stepkids right now

  3. Mum 1 is struggling because previous arrangements can't now happen and wants her kids to see their day.

Is that a fair summary op?

If it is, there's no right or wrong here but a question of hierarchical need. So we'd need to know the following:

How old are all the kids? Are they able to understand what's going on?

Are the kids half or step siblings?

Do both mums get on?

How poorly is dad?

What expectations does mum 1 have?

What expectations does mum 2 have?

What does Dad want?

There are probably more, but it's obviously a complex problem and a bit of deeper knowledge would probably be useful?

whiteroseredrose · 21/11/2023 20:04

Ex wife needs to accept that dad can't look after them at the moment so she needs to take responsibility.

It isn't the new wife's responsibility to look after the older children, it's her husband's but he can't.

disappearingfish · 21/11/2023 20:05

No one is U. Everyone is stressed and struggling.

BlueEyedPeanut · 21/11/2023 20:06

Only the children's parents are responsible for them. If one parent can't take care of them, then all the responsibility falls on the other parent. That is why both mothers are looking after their own children at this time while the joint father is incapacitated.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/11/2023 20:06

They should all be pulling together tbh.

The ex shouldn't be out of pocket though so child support may need to be adjusted if she is now having them full time.

Whiteday · 21/11/2023 20:07

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/11/2023 20:06

They should all be pulling together tbh.

The ex shouldn't be out of pocket though so child support may need to be adjusted if she is now having them full time.

Or reduced if the exDH is not receiving full sick pay from work?

Coconutter24 · 21/11/2023 20:12

The ex should keep her kids overnight whilst dad is recovering. It sounds like they still get to see their dad just not overnight. The new wife also has her children and a sick husband to look after, does she also have her own work to deal with? Although it’s not convenient for the ex, dad isn’t just saying he can’t have them for no reason he’s been in a serious accident and physically unable to so ex needs to be more understanding of that.

wokbun · 21/11/2023 20:12

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/11/2023 20:06

They should all be pulling together tbh.

The ex shouldn't be out of pocket though so child support may need to be adjusted if she is now having them full time.

Why shouldn't she be out of pocket? The wife is also down his income. You choose to have a baby with someone you have to accept they might become unable to earn.

wokbun · 21/11/2023 20:12

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/11/2023 20:06

They should all be pulling together tbh.

The ex shouldn't be out of pocket though so child support may need to be adjusted if she is now having them full time.

Why shouldn't she be out of pocket? The wife is also down his income. You choose to have a baby with someone you have to accept they might become unable to earn.

Oops that posted twice

VeronicaSawyer89 · 21/11/2023 20:18

Travis1 · 21/11/2023 19:43

Did the ex honestly expect new wife to take step kids whilst dad was in hospital? Am I reading that right?! Jesus. The ex is the unreasonable one. Obviously the new wife can’t look after all the children plus her seriously unwell husband

This!

Prinnny · 21/11/2023 20:19

Shit situation but ex wife needs to suck it up, new wife has been through a huge trauma and now looking after an unwell DH and two young kids, of course it’s unreasonable to expect her to care for another two kids on top.

dammit88 · 21/11/2023 20:27

Im going to go against the grain and say the step mum is being unreasonable. But this depends a bit on the age of the children. I think it's important they still spend the time with their dad. They can't be so young that they would be terribly needy as the dad has since divorced and had two more kids. I also agree with the poster that says if they aren't having overnights then maintenance should be increased to help support the mother.

CrimsonPig · 21/11/2023 20:29

The mum of the older kids is BU.

Current wife not BU.

Ponderingwindow · 21/11/2023 20:30

Only the parents are responsible for taking care of the children. If dad isn’t able to cover his parenting time, his maintenance should increase. He should also look into paying for child care to help out his ex.

FloweryName · 21/11/2023 20:31

The wife should be supporting her husband to take care of his responsibilities when he is recuperating.

Whiteday · 21/11/2023 20:31

dammit88 · 21/11/2023 20:27

Im going to go against the grain and say the step mum is being unreasonable. But this depends a bit on the age of the children. I think it's important they still spend the time with their dad. They can't be so young that they would be terribly needy as the dad has since divorced and had two more kids. I also agree with the poster that says if they aren't having overnights then maintenance should be increased to help support the mother.

Or decreased if the ex isn't receiving full pay from work?

They are seeing their father, just not staying overnight.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 21/11/2023 20:33

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/11/2023 20:06

They should all be pulling together tbh.

The ex shouldn't be out of pocket though so child support may need to be adjusted if she is now having them full time.

He's been in hospital for a long time, I'd assume he's no longer on full pay at work. Maintenance is more likely to reduce than increase in that scenario.

wokbun · 21/11/2023 20:34

Ponderingwindow · 21/11/2023 20:30

Only the parents are responsible for taking care of the children. If dad isn’t able to cover his parenting time, his maintenance should increase. He should also look into paying for child care to help out his ex.

How is he going to manage that if he's not working?

He can't magic money out of nowhere. Presumably mum had a plan for if the maintenance stopped because he couldn't work or died.

AMuser · 21/11/2023 20:34

Ex is unreasonable. Look after your own kids love.

wokbun · 21/11/2023 20:35

CrimsonPig · 21/11/2023 20:29

The mum of the older kids is BU.

Current wife not BU.

There's no need to call her "current" wife. It's just wife.

Ladybughello · 21/11/2023 20:36

Ex is being weird and unreasonable

Swipe left for the next trending thread