who is being unreasonable? TW - accident

[Kellogs1818]

I don't want to say who I am in this situation straight away.

Basically a dad has two children with his ex partner. He also has a new wife and children with her.

Dad was in a very serious accident and was in hospital for a long time, it was very touch and go for a while.

During this time, the children visited but the fathers wife refused to have them at their house and all child related responsibilities were left to their mother during this time.

The father is at home but still unwell and unable to do much at all for the foreseeable. His wife is still refusing overnights although the children will visit their dad at home saying that it's too much as majority of their care will be left to her and she has her children with him too.

Mum is struggling due to her work commitments, wife is pissed off at the request at a difficult time.

Who is reasonable (or not?)

Obviously it's a tricky and sensitive situation.

No one is being unreasonable, it’s hard for everyone. Mum will have to take on more of the care as step mum has to care for her child and husband.

No. Interim payments are pretty standard in severe accidents and come through in weeks. Payments are made before settlements are agreed but it's getting a bit off topic I guess.

The step kids are about 8 & 10yo I think. My nieces are 2 and 4. It would involve taking older ones to school in the mornings etc.. BIL is ok but can't get around and is tired so spends a lot of time sleeping.

Is he well enough that he could be looking after an 8 & 10 year old, with support from eg having food delivered and asking for favours from friends/family (or putting them in a taxi) for school run? Those aren’t small children - they don’t need their parent to be able to chase after them like the 2 year old.

I don’t think your sister should be given extra work to do at a stressful time, but I do think the 8 and 10 year old should be able to stay over if their dad is well enough to watch tv with them and arrange to buy in the practicalities - it’s what he’d have to do if he was a lone parent. (As a foster carer I sometimes get very small children for emergency placements because they only have 1 parent, with no close friends or family, who is suddenly very poorly. But never older kids for that sort of reason, as they can cope usually with being only semi-supervised. Sometimes they are even caring for the poorly parent.)

It may seem to you that the older children’s mother only wants them to be with their dad for her work, but really, these children will want to be with their dad when he is well enough to spend time with him. And it’s easy to see why their mum is panicked about being able to work if their dad can’t work right now - she must be stressed out of her mind that all the costs will be on her shoulders - just like your sister is too. Social services or hospital OT service might be able to get involved to help facilitate him caring for his kids too.

I’d encourage you to talk to your BIL’s friends and other family to see how people can can help - it’s not ex wife vs wife and taking sides that counts, but both the older children and younger children who need to be prioritised here by the wider family - for the sake of both mothers too, so neither of them end up cracking under the financial and practical and emotional strain of all this. When people like me have to get involved it brings in a whole new layer of trauma for the kids, who are suddenly in a new environment with strangers, however much we try.

Why would the older children be having overnights at their father's, rather than just visiting? Is it a contact arrangement?

To some of the last few posters, I'm sure OP's DSIS is doing care for DSC when they visit - feeding them etc. but probably can't cope with early mornings and school runs with four children, two under five, who are all unsettled by what's happened to their father.

All the children are likely to be feeling like this and showing it in different ways; for example it isn't much of a leap to expect more tantrums from the two year old and more clinginess from the four year old. DSC are probably also reacting in different ways according to their ages. This is normal.

The DSIS is doing her best to keep the wheels on the cart looking after her DH, earning money and doing the childcare for her two full-time and DSC when they are there. It is of no help to anyone to push DSIS until she cracks, I'm sure when things are improving further overnights will return, as this is clearly not a case of DSC being cut out at any stage.

I feel sorry for the DSC. This is why blended families simply don’t work. They’re part of the family until they’re too much hard work and then they’re cast aside. Had they not had a mum, their dad and step mum would have had to cope. Poor kids! Dad is unwell, but they can’t see him as his wife suddenly wants nothing to do with them. On another note, does their dad actually want to see them? Maybe it’s not the wife being a blocker. Maybe he’s moved on. Harsh.

Ill or not, the dad should still be doing his share with his own DC. None of this is the fault of the kids’ bio mum. I’d be annoyed if I were her too. It’s the gall they have, expecting her to rearrange things because they can’t put in place arrangements to ensure the DC are cared for. As I said upthread, if they can’t do it physically then they pay for a babysitter or arrange for grandparents or something. At the very least, they arrange a system whereby if bio mum steps up now, they repay her her time.

What used to happen & what's happening now?

I agree that it's not up to your sister to pick up what her husband can't do but then who is it up to?

If the mum needs to work then she's pretty limited also.

Ideally BIL should be getting help to facilitate him seeing his kids.

Could they have an overnight when there's no school the next day?

The ex is BVU and the stepmother has more than enough on her plate caring for her own children and injured DH.

Definitely not the new wife's responsibility. The children should stay with their mum and visit when possible. I think in this case everyone's work will be suffering and everyone struggling but sadly these things do happen and you have to just get through it.
The ex wife is asking for time off her children whilst the new wife as so much on her shoulders right now

My daughter is in the wife position now for a couple of years - without the step children issue.

She now has to care for her husband, look after her own children, deal with their anxiety, feel immense guilt at what her own children are missing out on as she is so overwhelmed, probably adjust to a change in income, worry about the future and the possible present risk of further health issues with the Dad and manage her own work hours around all this. Plus Dad may be needing lots of follow up medical appointments he needs to get to.

Of course she can say No and the ex could even be looking at ways to lighten her load rather than increase it. Since her husbands accident my daughter has met loads of people in similar situations and one ex actually takes ALL the children out together every couple of weeks to give the wife and her partner a break from childcare and so the siblings still get fun time together. She recognises what the wife has done for her children and the importance of the siblings to her own children.

It's not the new wife's responsibility to look after SC. It's a sad situation for everyone,but everyone has to adjust to how things are right now. The new wife has enough on her plate. Facilitating short visits with dad is enough until he can resume parenting duties.

It's not bio mum it's just mum

As you say both mothers need to focus on their own kids, your sister is entitled to remove overnights for now, and not to pick up school runs your BIL would normally do.

That’s going to mean more to do and working round commitments for the ex but that’s just what happens when one parent is ill.

Oh don’t be so ridiculous

A parent is ill that means the other parent/s have to step up and do more. That would be the case in any family. In doesn’t say anything at all about step families not working.

In this case it means the ex needs to take over all her kids’ childcare until the father is better. in the same way the current wife has to take over all the care of her kids plus look after her husband.

Of course the older kids continue to see their father, the OP has said her sister doesn’t want overnights, not that they can’t come and see him.

He cannot provide childcare if he is very ill.

Of course if the ex was dead the current wife would be providing childcare, but she isn’t so that is irrelevant. Both women will have to do more for a while. No one will owe anyone anything.

Are you normally this illogical?

He cannot provide childcare if he is very ill. this.

I'm assuming we aren't talking a cold here or it wouldn't be an issue.

If he is too ill to look after the children then their mum is on their own. It's a risk you take when you have kids.

Am assuming the ex must work shifts nights/weekends if there's a need for child care that can't be covered by breakfast club/after school club? And it's not just 'it's your days/ weekend they need to be at your house even if you are ill and bedbound'?

I mean... LOL! Given you are calling her their fathers wife and not step mum, do you not think your bitterness is spelling out who you are here?

You are their mother, do you not think the step mum has enough going on without baby sitting for you?

If dad is not capable of looking after the children then unfortunately that's for you to deal with, they are your children, not hers, she is already doing 100% for hers right now by the sound of it. The nerve of you to think you are entitled to her assistance.

Um, you may want to read the OPs second post?
You're really very wrong! 🤦‍♀️

I think, assuming the older children are NT and relatively well behaved, it might be nice for them to have a weekend sleepover with dad.

It shouldn't be that hard for the wife, as they will be capable of getting themselves up, doing their teeth and making themselves toast or cereal, and she won't have to get them to school in the morning. They will be able to understand dad is in pain and not jump on him, and could lie/sit next to him to watch a movie and make him pictures to cheer him up.

I agree that their mother is BU to expect them to stay during the week, but I think this could be manageable and a nice thing to do for the children and the dad.

The accident to the Dad happened to him and to both families. They all suffer.

He is not able to care for the children on his own.

In an ideal world perhaps both wives would look after all the children on occasion (to help each other out and to allow more contact with the Dad).

However, if they are not in-tune with each other in this huge blended family (and being human, they probably are not!) then insisting that one or the other should look after all the children is out of the question.

My sympathies to all of them; life can be very tough at times.

It's the mothers responsibility until dad is well enough to resume care. In the the same way as if the dad was single .