who is being unreasonable? TW - accident

[Kellogs1818]

I don't want to say who I am in this situation straight away.

Basically a dad has two children with his ex partner. He also has a new wife and children with her.

Dad was in a very serious accident and was in hospital for a long time, it was very touch and go for a while.

During this time, the children visited but the fathers wife refused to have them at their house and all child related responsibilities were left to their mother during this time.

The father is at home but still unwell and unable to do much at all for the foreseeable. His wife is still refusing overnights although the children will visit their dad at home saying that it's too much as majority of their care will be left to her and she has her children with him too.

Mum is struggling due to her work commitments, wife is pissed off at the request at a difficult time.

Who is reasonable (or not?)

Obviously it's a tricky and sensitive situation.

the ex is unreasonable and I suspect you are she.

Ex is unreasonable - if one parent is out of action, the other one has to step up. That's just how it is regardless of whether you're together.

Sounds like the dad had a narrow escape, hope he makes a full recovery.

No one is unreasonable. It’s a crap situation. Ex will just need to figure it out for now I am afraid.

The mum (you) is being unreasonable. The step mum wirh the kids and very ill husband does not owe you childcare!

Exactly what to do if you never ever want good will in a relationship ever again!.

@Kellogs1818 come on, which of the three are you?

@WhereIsBebèsChambre but surely if the ex wants good will she should help as well?

@Whiteday I got it wrong way I meant ex would be losing good will expecting the wife to care for dh, their kids, step kids!

ExIBU. Responsibility for childcare is for you and your invalid husband to deal with, which he's currently unable to do.

Ah sorry maybe I misunderstood

Sounds like a horrible situation for all.

Mum looks after her own children and assists with drop off visits to dads, if he’s well enough for it etc

Wife looks after her own children and her sick dh.

Think it’s slightly unreasonable of mum to expect wife to look after her children because she is busy with work. If she was still married to the dad then she’d be having to cope on her own.

The mum needs to look after her own kids, until the dad is well enough to have them.

It would be nice if the new wife could help the ex out but considering she’s looking after her husband, then it would be too much to look after kids as well.

It is difficult for everyone. The children from the first marriage need time with their Dad more than ever. They must have been very worried about him. The ex could need to work extra to make up a shortfall in income if Dad is unable to contribute at the moment. The wife needs support and is probably doing as much as she can already and may also have a shortfall in income of her own to fill. It sounds like both ex and Mum could do with a break.

You would hope Grandparents and extended family would help. This is a family crisis. This could be babysitting, supporting contact, doing chores, etc. Overnight contact with Dad may not be possible but is staying at a Grandparents after visiting during the day? Do ex and Mum get along? Would they both be able to give the other a break by having all the kids? They could probably both benefit from some down time.

Given he's been in a serious accident there would likely be an insurance pay out on top of sick pay.

What ages are the children?

@Willyoujustbequiet why would there? Do you know what type of accident? So you know what type of plans of protection he has in place?

What makes you think this?

@Willyoujustbequiet lots of people have very little sick pay!

I agree with this. Mum shouldn't push for overnights as the parent isn't well enough to look after them

Even if that is the case it will take years and years to come through. The dad's financial position is very likely much more difficult than it was before, regardless of the cause of the accident.

I don't want to say who I am in this situation straight away

Ok. Will you tell us know then, @Kellogs1818 ?

How much care does the husband need day to day? How old are the children? This factors into my opinion. If husband needs a lot of care, and the children are all quite young then not being unreasonable. That's a lot to take on.

If dad doesn't need much care and children are old enough to be able to do things generally for themselves then I would personally allow them to stay for a night here and there.

I think it's important that the children from the previous marriage are not being given the impression that they aren't allowed to stay with their dad because his new wife won't have them.

I also worry it gives the impression that dad has his new family that they are outside of. Their real home is with mum.

When you marry a man with children you become a family all together.

I think it's unreasonable to expect new wife to do overnight care for stepkids as well as caring for her own children and a sick husband. It's not excluding the step kids to explain that since dad can't look after them it's daytime visits only.

One parent was incapacitated and therefore the other parent had to take care of the children.

Why would anyone think the stepmum would need to take the children's father's role?

Tbh if their dad was touch and go they needed the comfort and security of being with their mum.

I assume the kids aren't super young, so how much extra care would be needed at night time? They are already coming over in the day when I guess the care needs are higher. what's the harm in occasionally allowing them to sleep over? As I said before it will ensure they don't feel like they are the "other children" visiting dad and their siblings in dads new home that isn't theirs.

The key word here is OCCASIONALLY. I don't care much for the ex wife's predicament, as she would be having to do all the childcare if she was still married to him. Im thinking of the kids long term feelings. Have they said that they would like to stay with dad sometimes or is this just about the ex wife's work commitments?

I always felt like the "other" with my dad and stepmum and half-siblings so I'm aware how these sort of things can hurt.

In summary, new wife has a lot on her plate, but with marriage you take on your partners responsibilities and if the children have expressed an interest in wanting to stay with dad, as the new wife I would occasionally allow them to do so.

It would be great if both mothers could pull together and try work out a rota to have all the kids to give the other a chance for a break or time to work. It's an awful situation all round and making extra tensions and falling out with each other really won't work.

Are there any other family members who can be called on to help? A lot depends on ages of all the kids too