who is being unreasonable? TW - accident

[Kellogs1818]

I don't want to say who I am in this situation straight away.

Basically a dad has two children with his ex partner. He also has a new wife and children with her.

Dad was in a very serious accident and was in hospital for a long time, it was very touch and go for a while.

During this time, the children visited but the fathers wife refused to have them at their house and all child related responsibilities were left to their mother during this time.

The father is at home but still unwell and unable to do much at all for the foreseeable. His wife is still refusing overnights although the children will visit their dad at home saying that it's too much as majority of their care will be left to her and she has her children with him too.

Mum is struggling due to her work commitments, wife is pissed off at the request at a difficult time.

Who is reasonable (or not?)

Obviously it's a tricky and sensitive situation.

The people with parental responsibility are dad and mum so it’s up to mum to look after them if dad can’t. If dad was the only parent available and couldn’t look after his children social services would have to step in to find them temporary foster carers If no other carer was willing/able to have them. It does seem a bit bizarre that their stepmum flatly refuses to care for them but I have worked with lots of mums who refuse to let stepmum look after their kids if their dad isn’t available so there is no absolute right or wrong. Depending on the ages of the kids though I would imagine that their relationship with stepmum will be impacted by her decision if they know she won’t let them stay with their dad.

It's not SM responsibility to parent the kids and she has that boundary. Whilst it would be 'nice' if she helped out she is not oblidged to care for them, and doesn't want to.

But they are the current wife, so there’s nothing wrong with describing them as such.

The ex needs to look after her children whilst their dad is ill and why on earth she expected the new wife to have the children whilst her Husband was very ill and she had her own children to deal is bloody bewildering.

Both women are in a difficult position.
Wife needs to look after husband and own children.
Ex needs to look after her own children.
Wife doesn’t need the extra responsibility of looking after her step children.
Both women are currently in a losing position. If the wife looked after step children she would disadvantaged while the ex would be ‘winning’.

No, the new wife shouldn't assume care of her DH's children with his exW, she has enough to deal with as it is.

Yes, I can see how this might be a hardship on the exW if she's depended on her exH for childcare during her working hours.

So both women are experiencing extra stress. I wonder if it would occur to either of these women to try to work together for ALL of the children (if feasible). Wife might be more willing to have ExW's children over if perhaps the ExW suggested that she have ALL the children to her house for a day or even a few hours. Both women would get a break from childcare, although Wife would still be caring for her husband it would lessen her load a bit.

Yes, I know chances are this may not be feasible for a million reasons, and yes I know that the exW has no responsibility towards her exH's 'new' family, but to get something you often have to be willing to give something.

Presumably incapacitated man has some kind of insurance in place? He needs to use this to pay for care for his children on his days if his wife isn’t prepared to help (and why should she, really?). He’s responsible for his DC whether he’s unwell or not. If he was their only parent, he’d need to cope. It sounds like an awful situation all round and ex may well have got the better deal, so to speak, if she is free and not stuck with a very seriously ill/injured partner for the foreseeable. That sounds harsh but just about sums it up. If she’s planned her life and work around a 50/50 agreement then ex, his family, or paid for care still needs to make that happen.

This, basically. As inconvenient as it is, the new wife can't be expected to take care of step dc, it's not fair on her.

How old are the children? Are they old enough to help SM by doing chores and contributing to the household? They might not be old enough to be left home alone but could be old enough to "pay their way" in terms of helping out SM. Their dad has been seriously unwell which will have been upsetting for them so spending time with him is important; if they are old enough to be independent in terms of self-care (changing clothes, washing, toothbrushing, etc).

You wouldn't refer to someone who married someone who wasn't married previously as a current wife. It's rude.

Daytime visits until dad is better.

I think it's right that the mum has them most of the time, but I'd hope the step-mum would be willing to help out a little if the mum needs a bit of help. Also I'd hope that both would take into account the dad's preferences, assuming he's not so unwell that he can't communicate them, plus the children's, ie are they upset if with dad because he's ill or upset if not with him because they miss him?

Assuming dad gets better, I'd also expect dad to be very grateful and, if requested by the mum, pay her back with some extra overnights in future.

Presumably ex DW had taken some sort of insurance in a life of another basis, to deal with this situation.

Sadly life/income protection is way down the list of priorities, so I'd hazard a guess neither have arranged insurance.

Is situations like this it - more than ever with parenting - takes a village to raise DC.

Both women must be under incredible strain from supporting children who have been scared about losing their father, as well as the further complications of very suddenly having to, in essence, step up emotionally, physically and financially as a lone parent.

If the father has any relatives who can help, hopefully they are offering help all around. At the point that the father recuperates somewhat, or has adjustments in his home to him him gain more independence, it might need some creative planning to enable him to be able to spend time with all his children. Such as a relative moving in to help look after all the kids for the weekend, and his wife getting a weekend away for some R&R herself. Otherwise there could be a lot of extra trauma for his kids from first marriage, if they never get to live with dad again.

I wonder if this kind of situation was considered in advance and there are any insurance policies that might pay out to help mitigate the financial affects of this? It would be worth checking workplace schemes and the like, too. In my divorce agreement we agreed to insure ourselves with the benefit to the other parent, and on remarriage buy another policy for new spouse rather than depriving our first child of financial support (via their other parent) if accident, severe illness or worst should occur.

The ex is BVU. She’s looking after own kids. She’s expecting the wife to look after her own kids plus her step kids and care for her incredibly ill husband.

I feel like it might be nice for the dad to have his dc stay over. And for the dc to know they are still welcome and getting overnight contact with their dad. If I were the stepmum in this scenario I would try my best to facilitate it, maybe not as often as before the accident but certainly now and then (if I felt able).

I don't think the mum should expect the same level of contact as before though, because the dad clearly isn't capable of caring for the kids alone and it shouldn't all fall on the stepmum who is clearly struggling too. Everyone is going to have to compromise and make changes until the dad is back on his feet.

This! The step mum isnt a surrogate for the dad.

1000% the ex is being unreasonable.

The children's dad can't care for them and it is not the stepmum's responsibility, she already has enough on with a very incapacitated husband who likely needs a lot of help, plus 2 younger kids. She does not need 2 further children staying in the house as well at this time.

Ex needs to take care of her own kids until such time as dad is recovered enough to manage them himself.

However it is important that the children stil see their dad and I'd expect stepmum to allow them to come round for this given the dad is unlikely to be out and about by the sounds of it. But not overnight.

Really, both women will be struggling, understandably. If they could exchange the odd night of childcare for a break with each other that would be a lovely thing to do for all of the children as well. Fair enough if they're not prepared to do so though.

Thanks.

The wife is my sis, father my BIL.

To answer some questions:

The step kids are about 8 & 10yo I think. My nieces are 2 and 4. It would involve taking older ones to school in the mornings etc.. BIL is ok but can't get around and is tired so spends a lot of time sleeping.

My sister is struggling a lot with the responsibility, she is also trying to work as much as she can from home too. Financially they aren't in a great place right now with BIL not working so not in a position to pay for extra childcare.

The ex and DS don't get on really. They aren't at each others throats or anything but they just tend not to really speak unless absolutely necessary. The ex would never have my nieces to give sis a break or anything like has been suggested on here not that DS would ever ask or want her to anyway. Personally i think she's (ex)the type of person who's only really concerned about her self and the impact on her. She's selfish imo, not just in this situation but at times in the past too.

Personally I'm of the opinion that each mum needs to care for their children whilst this is ongoing. It's not up to DS to make up for the fact that the father of the exes kids is too unwell right now. She's in the same boat as my DS (without the addition of a poorly spouse on top). I don't think DS should break her back trying to make anything easier for ex. As far as I know the kids haven't asked to stay, it's to do with exes work.

BIL has no family close by. They try and come when they can but its not often. I also try and do what I can but I work full time and have DC myself so hard to do enough really. Can't speak for the exes family as I don't know.

Your poor sister, I’m so sorry. I hope she’s not letting the ex’s demands get to her and is focussing on keeping her own head above water with caring for her husband, looking after her kids, work and money worries. She’s got plenty on her plate without batshittery like this on top.

If you tell her you’ve posted this, please point out how shockingly rare it is to see this many posters back a step mum. It’s genuinely remarkable and a measure of how bad the situation is.

I'm confused. His wife is TW? A transwoman.

Thing is the kids are very young and it's not their fault their dad and mum.split up when they were not even school age.
I think it's very cold of your sister to not steo up at all, surely this means his young 8 and 10 year old kids see a lot less of him than they should? It seems harsh to deny them that because she can't handle 4 kids, she knew he had young kids when she decided to have 2 herself with him and now the worst has happened she can't be bothered with them. Sorry op but it's cold. I know she has a lot on her plate.

TW is Trigger Warning I'm assuming

I think that was supposed to be a trigger warning. No idea what of though.

has he just stoped parenting completely? Can he not manage any?

is the mother receiving any maintenance?