Single parents getting a hard time on here!

SoOverThisAgain · 2023-11-21T15:01:04+00:00

I’ve been reading some threads on here, is it me or do other mumsnetters automatically seem to give single parents who have dared to start dating and introduce kids to their new partners a really hard time?! It seems like they think they should be single until the kids are fully grown! I did it, and it worked wonderfully and we are now one big happy (most of the time!) blended family

purpleboy · 21/11/2023 15:21

I don't know what threads your referring to specifically.
But I only see single mums being warned if they are introducing too soon, or there are already massive red flags etc... there is a massive risk introducing a new partner and very often it isn't done with the children's best interests in mind, I think that's what posters object to.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/11/2023 15:23

I think warning against introducing kids to partners too soon is a valid warning.

What I see is a lack of acknowledgement that being a single parent is hard - a lone parent even more so, but all single parenting is hard.

jeaux90 · 21/11/2023 15:26

What gets my goat more is people saying they are like a single parent because their DH works long hours or travels.

I'm a lone parent, have been for 14 years, I'm like...yeah it's not though is it.

The combination of families etc definitely should be carefully considered though.

eester · 21/11/2023 15:28

there's a lot of judgement towards single parents in general, e.g. nasty comments about them "making the wrong choice" of partner, or having a go at them for claiming benefits or because some can't work full time or would find working full time incredibly difficult there is usually some horrible comment about those things.

The judgement is real unfortunately.

FlamingBlue · 21/11/2023 15:29

I don't recall seeing many, if any, posts suggesting single mothers shouldn't date. I have seen lots saying that if you are in a new relationship, give it time, six months minimum, before your children meet the person you are dating. Seems sensible to me.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 21/11/2023 15:32

We had a very similar post last week, it was bollocks then and it's bollocks now

Keeva2017 · 21/11/2023 16:08

I’m a single parent with a new bf, well of 8 months. Wouldn’t have dreamt of introducing him to my children before now and won’t do for a few months yet.

I admit I do judge parents who introduce new partners to children after a few weeks or months. It’s certainly not for the benefit of the children? Why not wait a bit to reduce the risk of them having to meet multiple partners? Get passed the honeymoon stage and then you really know a person.

Winterday1991 · 21/11/2023 16:22

If I was a single parent I would be too busy focusing on raising my children to be in the dating game. Why can't women take pride in being strong and on their own rather than jumping into new relationships.

FloweryName · 21/11/2023 16:26

My mum would have said that we were a happy blended family that worked wonderfully too, except we weren’t really. None of the children were happy with the situation and it was not a positive experience.

But adults can be selfish and tell themselves that they deserve to be happy and shouldn’t be held back just because they’ve had children, so they convince themselves that their blended families are working well despite their children being unhappy. Step parents have very little benefit for children, even the good ones.

KatBurglar · 21/11/2023 16:30

Mumsnetters rightly warn single parents about the dangers of introducing new bf/gf early on because most of us have witnessed what happens when it goes wrong.

Other than that I think MN is supportive of single parents.

You only have to visit the Step-parents topic to see how often blending early causes problems.

x2boys · 21/11/2023 16:34

I.think it depends I have seen a few threads where kids have been introduced to.new " partners " ridiculously quickly like a couple of weeks and posters urging caution
But then again other threads where posters say new" partners" shouldn't be introduced for years
I think there can be a happy medium.

pastaisgod · 21/11/2023 16:35

There have been many tragic cases in the news over the past few years that show why people are so wary about this.

I've been there. I've introduced my child to two partners (one of which is now my dh). I was very careful about it both times, waited a long time, met on neutral ground before coming into our home.

When the first relationship broke down dc was very upset. It gets messy emotionally. There are a lot of reasons why you need to be sure before you introduce a partner not just the safety aspect.

I can't judge as I've done it myself but I can see why people are judgemental and sensitive over it.

TheChosenTwo · 21/11/2023 16:55

I haven’t seen this myself so can’t comment on this aspect.

My friend left her unhappy relationship and about 2 years later when her dc were early teens she met another man. Her dc saw their dad every other weekend on a Saturday overnight so that was my friends time to spend with her boyfriend or go out socialising with other friends etc without a babysitter which, as a single parent with a lowlife ex who avoided paying for his own kids, she could rarely afford to pay for.
Because she was only meeting up with him every other weekend for one evening, by the time they had been seeing each other for a year they’d really only spent about 12 days in each others company (she also used some of her free nights to meet up with us).
For this reason he had never met her kids. She didn’t know him well enough to introduce them all. They continued going out for another year or so and called it quits. They both had had a good time but it wasn’t really going anywhere. I think she was right to keep it away from her dc. They struggled enough with their dad leaving. It would have been more hard stuff to go through if they were introduced to a string of men who were in their lives for short periods of time, maybe even living with them.

I’m not a single parent but my mum was for periods of time when I was a kid. I have about 5 stepdads that I can remember. Blokes that my mum met, who moved in with us for a year or 2 and then left. Fucking horrible. The men themselves were all really lovely, the horrible bit was that they left and we never saw them again.

Hoardasurass · 21/11/2023 17:02

Sorry but as a lone/single parent I've never come across this. What I do see a lot of is good sensible advice on when and how to introduce new partners admittedly there's always a couple of loons who get drowned out by the sensible majority

BibbleandSqwauk · 21/11/2023 17:03

I became a single parent when kids were toddlers. They are now teens. I've been with my partner for 8 years and we will live together in about another 8 when the kids have hopefully moved out or are independent adults. Their dad moved in with ow almost immediately. He would say it's a great blended family with her children too. My kids say different but don't want to upset him or rock the boat. I see dp when kids are with their dad eow and occasionally in the evening through the week. They've met obviously, but we don't spend lots of time together, go for meals or anything. It's separate. I like that it is. I'm sure it can work with the exact right mix of personalities and parenting styles but it seems fraught with huge challenges and it's just not worth it. "living apart together" has lots of benefits outwith parenting.

Leah5678 · 21/11/2023 17:07

I know so many people who were abused by their stepfather's. It seems to be the most common relative to abuse a child. There's also nonces who go on sites such as tinder looking for accounts that mention having children with sick intentions.
So yeah I think you are being unreasonable and people are right to urge single mothers to be cautious about dating

TenderChicken · 21/11/2023 17:12

You don't have to spend much time on Mumsnet to find the threads in which blending families hasn't gone well at all.

Taking a relationship very slowly when you have existing children is sound advice.

MrsSchrute · 21/11/2023 17:16

But adults can be selfish and tell themselves that they deserve to be happy and shouldn’t be held back just because they’ve had children, so they convince themselves that their blended families are working well despite their children being unhappy. Step parents have very little benefit for children, even the good ones.*

Yep, agreed.

Ostryga · 21/11/2023 17:17

Blended families very rarely work out, and they are never for the benefit of the children (whatever anyone tries to tell themselves). That’s what mn gets judgy about,

5128gap · 21/11/2023 17:18

I agree it's mainly well intentioned urging to caution. The exception being if the single mum is percieved to be young, has spelling or grammatical errors in her post and/or children with different fathers. Then it seems to be open season for judgement and disrespect.

JstBlzd · 21/11/2023 17:22

Hmmm...I've only really seen that type of judgement when posters say things like: "Been with my partner 8 weeks, we're really in love, he's great with my DDs - is it too soon to move in? The girls love him sooooo much"

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/11/2023 20:09

jeaux90 · 21/11/2023 15:26

What gets my goat more is people saying they are like a single parent because their DH works long hours or travels.

I'm a lone parent, have been for 14 years, I'm like...yeah it's not though is it.

The combination of families etc definitely should be carefully considered though.

This!

Absolutely clueless aren't they?!

SoStResseds · 21/11/2023 20:32

Winterday1991 · 21/11/2023 16:22

If I was a single parent I would be too busy focusing on raising my children to be in the dating game. Why can't women take pride in being strong and on their own rather than jumping into new relationships.

@Winterday1991 I am a single parent. I can’t be bothered to date as I am quite happy being a parent and don’t ‘need’ anyone. However, just like anyone who seeks a relationship, single parents get lonely too and I don’t think it’s about pride in NOT dating… can’t you be proud and strong and have a relationship?

SanFranBear · 21/11/2023 20:50

Winterday1991 · 21/11/2023 16:22

If I was a single parent I would be too busy focusing on raising my children to be in the dating game. Why can't women take pride in being strong and on their own rather than jumping into new relationships.

This is pretty judgemental and the key word here is 'if...'

It is very lonely being a single parent even when you're rarely alone due to the DC. I did it for 10 years and yes, there were great highs but also some real lows - loneliness is a really insidious feeling.

I obviously adore my DC and they love me. I also love my friends dearly and they love me back but it is just not the same as hearing 'I love you' from someone who wants you in a romantic sense... its just not. I will never forget the first time my bf said it to me. Why do single parents not deserve that sort of relationship.

I do agree with the majority of pp's that women who introduce men to their children at the drop of a hat should rightly be pulled up on it - you can have a relationship without involving your DC from an early stage. But to imply that once you've had kids, you should just go it alone.. not fair at all!

Terfosaurus · 21/11/2023 20:55

Winterday1991 · 21/11/2023 16:22

If I was a single parent I would be too busy focusing on raising my children to be in the dating game. Why can't women take pride in being strong and on their own rather than jumping into new relationships.

This is exactly the kind of bullshit OP is talking about.

DCs Dad and I split up 14 years ago. Over the last 14 years (and the 5 I was a parent before then actually) my DC have come first. They've always been the most important thing in my life.

But I've also dated. Because I'm human and allowed a life. I'm also perfectly happy on my own and don't need a man/relationship.