Single parents getting a hard time on here!

[SoOverThisAgain]

I’ve been reading some threads on here, is it me or do other mumsnetters automatically seem to give single parents who have dared to start dating and introduce kids to their new partners a really hard time?!
It seems like they think they should be single until the kids are fully grown!
I did it, and it worked wonderfully and we are now one big happy (most of the time!) blended family

Stepfather figures are the number one perosn most likely to abuse a child. Plus if people introduce too quickly there was a poster recently who had introduced their BF after 4 weeks it’s unfair if the child becomes attached, especially if too young to fully process that Mummy and X are no longer friends.

I have a lovely DH but as in real life they are so thin on the ground it seems smug to post or talk about it. Everyone seems to be divorcing that I know currently.

'100 more likely to be abused' isn't 'likely to be abused' though.

Are they getting a hard time? Or just being urged to be cautious after the thousands of cases of stepfather's abusing their children?

It's almost like the safety of kids is more important than whether or not an adult feels they're getting a "hard time" 🙄

meant to quote from didimum

“'100 more likely to be abused' isn't 'likely to be abused' though.”

Thank you for this. I was going say the same.

Not at all diminishing how awful that stat is. It is absolutely relevant.

But there are risks in everything we expose our children to. It is up to us to do the due diligence to minimise those risk, not to stop living “just in case”.

Same as we teach our kids to cross the road, or allow them to drive, despite the risks from other errant drivers. We don’t keep them off the roads.

Kids should be taught about privacy, speaking up and other measures to safeguard against ALL potential abuse.

Saying that they should never have a step-father and their mothers should be alone for (potentially) 18 or more years isn’t the only answer. Millions and millions of people have step parents.

forgot to add that obviously I know a younger child can’t speak up against abuse but that that is an example of other things we do for our kids to help reduce risks, because we can’t eradicate all risks.

I don't see single parents in general getting a hard time at all.

Just those who introduce their kids very early, or hop from one relationship to another while involving their kids.

I know a lot of adults whose childhoods were ruined by this sort of thing, and they find it hard to bond with or trust people.

I remember posting having introduced my children (as part of a bigger family group setting) after 9 months together (and having dated for a year before that historically). I got completely slated for being a terrible parent when actually i didnt bring my partner to live with us, he was never staying over either. I was effectively lumped into the group where people are introducing people all the time.

I left an abusive relationship for my children and was single for 7 years. I thought very carefully about introducing my then partner to my children and one reasoning was i wanted to also show my children that if they ever were to leave something abusive, they could also have a new start as well. In my children's class, there are a few separated couples but new partners all live with them.

I think mumsnet can be extremely nasty and viperish

I get what people are saying about single parents and it's perhaps not a great idea to date.

Having come out the other side of it and my children are nearly adults now I have done it all myself.

People are so rude though. I've had so many comments about "why did you have kids with someone abusive"
He wasn't abusive before we had the kids.

One example that has stuck with me-
I've went to a wedding in a really difficult to get to place on my own. Someone in my friendship group lives 10 minutes away from me. Her and her husband drove separately and wouldn't share lifts. Small things like that are so selfish. There doesn't seem to be any sort of acknowledgment that most of the time it's fine being single parents but very occasionally it would be nice to give them a hand rather than judgement. That same person also made a very unkind comment when talking about scans. She said "I took my toddler with me to my baby scan with my husband" there was a sign up saying no young children allowed but they didn't mean me. They new single parents bringing in loads of screaming kids.
All of that behaviour was very unkind. Single parent due to dad's violence. No I didn't know before hand. No my kids weren't screaming brats. They were and are lovely boys. I've always worked full time, I've put relationships to the back burner although I now have someone I see twice a week but not at my house.

Literally there is nothing more that I could have done but I have still been heavily judged.

I think it's unsafe mums moving random men in but maybe it should be the culture to help single mums rather than shame them. They might not be so desperate for a bf then because they need a bit of help.

An occasional lift to a wedding would have meant the world to me and I would have paid petrol etc.

For me I’ll be honest it’s hard to understand the decision making process of someone who decided to have a child with someone they were not fully committed to, or have only been in a relationship with for five minutes, then the inevitable happens where the child is left with parents who are not in a relationship anymore and ferried between houses and introduced to a plethora of different partners. I’ve seen it in my own family and I don’t think it’s a healthy way to raise a child. It’s not the ideal situation.

That’s of course is just one scenario, it just happens to be the same old story I see happening time and time again. I do know there are many and varied reasons as to why a parent might be single and might have nothing to do with poor life choices though. Infidelity, bereavement, health issues, mutual break up after being in a long term relationship etc etc

To be honest, I had a wonderful stepdad. He was a great support to me and my mum and without him I wouldn't have had anywhere near as much love, opportunities and protection in my childhood and early adulthood. Yes we argued a lot, especially when I was a teenager but I knew he genuinely loved me and was an amazing grandad to my dc too. Sadly he passed away in 2018 and I miss him everyday.

Similarly my son's life would not be as good without my Dh who isn't his bio dad. He wouldn't have the nice house we live in, financial security, his siblings! Again, they row at times because that happens in all families but I really don't buy into this narrative that all children who have stepparents are somehow disadvantaged and emotionally damaged because of it. Quite the opposite in my experience.

Not every story is a horror story. We just hear more about them.

And I know there are a lot of feckless people who introduce new partners to children far too quickly before they really know anything about them. But the suggestion that all single parents should remain single until their children have moved out is quite ridiculous. Providing people are sensible and always prioritise their dc, there's nothing wrong with it.

MN hates blended families though 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is such a simplistic view. I doubt there are many people who have children with the intention of becoming a single parent. Contraception fails. People change. It's not about not being committed. Life is unpredictable, nobody knows what's around the corner even those who think they are in 'perfect' family units.

Those who do procreate without a second thought are idiots. But I don't think they are in the majority at all.

I only see sympathy for single parents and recognition of how hard it is to raise children alone.

It's heartening to also see widespread and growing recognition that blended families don't work and children shouldn't be subjected to them.

Life isn't THAT unpredictable. It's quite possible to control our own reproduction and to wait for optimal circumstances.

In the interest of honesty, yes I do judge single parents for introducing their new man to their kids too soon. My opinion is that kids safety & happiness should come first before my happiness. That doesn’t mean don’t date, it means keep it separate for a long time.

Time & time again, I see (on here & irl) kids being forced to quickly live with another man other than their dad, just because mum ‘shouldn’t be expected to stay single forever’.

@Daisy12Maisie similar story here - my ex and i had the children and then it all came out with abuse and i left when mine were toddlers to break the cycle. Yet im told i made the decision to have children with the psycho ex and all the blame is left on me. No mention of leaving to help the children have a better life, working full time to support them etc - just nasty comments about dating and that i should be suffering forevermore!

Nothing like a bit of ignorant generalisation

@StarDolphins i guess it depends who says how long it should be - my DP never stays over but he has met my children now after 8 months, though we were together for a year beforehand but they never met. I have no plans to move him in or have more children. I just felt he was important in my life and i wanted him to meet my children.

An unpalatable truth.

I was talking about people who procreate without a second thought.

If you actually read my post I do say that is one scenario out of many possible ones, it’s just happens to be the most common one from my perspective.

Contraception is something like 99% effective so most people in my opinion just lie out their arse when it comes to saying ‘the condom broke’ or ‘I was on the pill’. Stop lying and just say you didn’t use contraception or that you wanted to get pregnant.

I’m a single parent, and I’m not looking to introduce anybody to DC (19/9/2) any time in the near or distant future. I wouldn’t find time to meet anybody never mind try and fit them into my mad house 🤣 Although it can be lonely in the evenings I fill my time doing things I enjoy and lots of self care. I say each to their own, of course there are risks inviting a new man into a family home. So I would just say be cautious and don’t rush anything to those single parents out there who are dating 🙂 maybe I’ll get a cat or a few ?! 🤣

In that case why don't all married women divorce so they can " take pride and be strong on their own"

Total nonsense comment

Meeting the children & being forced to live with him are miles apart. And that’s what my plan would be should I meet someone amazing. I would happily introduce my DD too like you’ve done (after a long period) but I’m referring to the threads of ‘my dd doesn’t like my DP’ AFTER moving him in to their child’s home. The poor children get lumbered with some unrelated male that they haven’t chosen invading & changing the dynamic of what should be their total safe space.

I think it’s wrong.

Absolutely this👏

This is quite simply the worst example of anything I’ve seen on here🤣 embarrassed for you!

To be honest, as a lone parent this site has terrified me as to the idea of dating again now I have a child.

@winterday1991 I know I'm strong, I spend ALL my time either at work or looking after ds. I have a hobby and friends and a full life. I know I don't NEED a man. But it would be really nice to meet someone and have that romantic love in my life the way all my friends and family have in theirs. Why as a lone parent do you think I don't deserve that?