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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Single parents getting a hard time on here!

109 replies

SoOverThisAgain · 21/11/2023 15:01

I’ve been reading some threads on here, is it me or do other mumsnetters automatically seem to give single parents who have dared to start dating and introduce kids to their new partners a really hard time?!
It seems like they think they should be single until the kids are fully grown!
I did it, and it worked wonderfully and we are now one big happy (most of the time!) blended family

OP posts:

Buses · 15/01/2025 18:00

BettyBardMacDonald · 15/01/2025 14:51

This.

If people fail to make a go of the relationship (or lack thereof) that produced the children, it's their duty to do without until the children are grown.

No one is forced to bear children. Doing so and then traumatizing them with the introduction, sometimes repeatedly, of strangers into their lives and homes is reprehensible. Especially when the single parent has a history of making poor choices.

No one is going to die from not dating.

Show quote history

This surely has to be a troll post?

OpalSpirit · 15/01/2025 18:25

Winterday1991 · 21/11/2023 16:22

If I was a single parent I would be too busy focusing on raising my children to be in the dating game. Why can't women take pride in being strong and on their own rather than jumping into new relationships.

I am a single parent and I have remained single by choice.

However, the tone of judgement in your post is awful.
If you haven’t done it you cannot know what it is like and how you would adapt.

I notice that you don’t wonder the same of the fathers?

OpalSpirit · 15/01/2025 18:38

BettyBardMacDonald · 15/01/2025 13:48

Life isn't THAT unpredictable. It's quite possible to control our own reproduction and to wait for optimal circumstances.

I was with my husband for almost twenty years. We had to split due to spiralling behaviour. After two lots of marriage counselling I left for my children.

I raise my children, I put them first and I do all the mundane and hard parts of parenthood on my own.

The idea that people judge me as a flighty or irresponsible in someway is boggling to me.

Gogogo12345 · 15/01/2025 19:06

BettyBardMacDonald · 15/01/2025 14:51

This.

If people fail to make a go of the relationship (or lack thereof) that produced the children, it's their duty to do without until the children are grown.

No one is going to die from not dating.

Show quote history

So if your husband fucks off with another woman and leaves the kids with you then YOU are the one that's not meant to have any dating life who heaven knows how many years. Even if you didn't cause the relationship to fail? Seriously?

Gogogo12345 · 15/01/2025 19:09

Petra42 · 15/01/2025 15:28

@Newsingle mumsnet can be an bunch of vipers. I'd say the key point is date but don't move anyone in. I don't even do overnights unless the weekend if I have childcare. But I choose this option. My problem is my partner wants more time but I haven't got that time free! I'd have been quite happy to date casually if honest.

Show quote history

Well yes So many people in here seem to think that dating someone means you move them in, have more kids with them etcetcetc

Costcolover · 15/01/2025 20:57

LaPam · 15/01/2025 16:56

The problem with waiting until your kids are 18 is that by then you may be too old, too set on your ways and there would be far less prospects.

The problem of waiting a year to introduce the children is that if your partner ends out not getting along with the children, it will be more difficult to send him flying, especially if he is a very nice man in many other aspects.

New relationships are not always in detriment of your children, your kids may love having your new partner around and get along with step siblings like a house on fire. It is not unheard of. I have seen blended families working beautifully. Yes l, they may have the occasional problem as any “unblended” family would but in general do well, it doesn’t have to be misery all the time.

With respect, this all sounds like you're trying to convince/reassure yourself here, more than anyone else.

I'm not putting my child at risk just because I might be a bit past it once becomes an adult, thanks

Wishingplenty · 15/01/2025 22:11

Buses · 15/01/2025 18:00

This surely has to be a troll post?

Show quote history

You call this a troll post. I call it absolutely spot on!

LaPam · 15/01/2025 22:19

Costcolover · 15/01/2025 20:57

With respect, this all sounds like you're trying to convince/reassure yourself here, more than anyone else.

I'm not putting my child at risk just because I might be a bit past it once becomes an adult, thanks

Show quote history

With respect, you put your child at risk everytime you leave them out of your sight. Many mothers, married or otherwise put their children at risk by staying or getting into toxic relationships.

If you are sensible enough and put your children first, you will know to act the moment your child is not happy or raise a concern, whether whatever happened at school, the sports changing room or in your very own house.

Petra42 · 16/01/2025 03:26

user243245346 · 15/01/2025 16:48

Yes i is see a lot of this. Especially "never married" single parents- a poster once told me I should have had an abortion. I'm a hard working professional who has never claimed benefits and does a reasonable job of child rearing

Show quote history

@user243245346 agree 100%. This site often makes me despair at who is posting out there. Are they genuine people or armchair nutcases? We can date and not be terrible parents!

Chosen wrong person: my ex is as charming and well presented as you'd expect. Women have always been impressed with him. He just turned into a nutter when I was pregnant and I had to leave due to the mental abuse. Yet I'm labelled on here as having made a bad decision. I left because I didnt want my children to think this was normal behaviour in a relationship. It was one of the hardest things to do because I was terrified. But I made it out.

Dating : I'm dating someone serious but no plans to move in/have children ever but here I've been labelled a joke of a mum because im actually dating whereas apparently I should be single till they are 18! I wouldn't want my children to leave bad relationships and be single forever, id want them to have happiness too if they met someone and handled it well. We don't all move new partners in in 5min.

My children are super well adjusted and happy. I work hard and have a great corporate role which allows me to look after my children with no state support. We have our own house in central London and no debt whatsoever. I did all that alone. Exactly how many on mumsnet making these nasty comments about single parents can say that. And I'm lucky in my situation, how many desperate people out there can't leave because of financial issues yet they are slated on mumsnet.

My ex has made huge changes too so he gets on with them too. Had we stayed together, he'd have continued in this horrible, downward spiralling way and even he says i was right to get out at the time.

Honestly I always regret even asking advice on mumsnet because some people can be so cruel and nasty that I worry for my own mental health, then I have to remind myself that im actually doing a good job. Who on earth are these posters who think it's OK to post things like 'id be ashamed if I were you', or 'it's your kids i feel sorry for' or 'you disgust me as a parent' - wtf!!! We should be praising these women for having the courage to get out and not vilify them. The few single parents I know have left partners due to the men's addictions or cheating and these women have all of the above and some have kids with additional needs, who they parent amazingly alone. And date.

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