Single parents getting a hard time on here!

[SoOverThisAgain]

I’ve been reading some threads on here, is it me or do other mumsnetters automatically seem to give single parents who have dared to start dating and introduce kids to their new partners a really hard time?!
It seems like they think they should be single until the kids are fully grown!
I did it, and it worked wonderfully and we are now one big happy (most of the time!) blended family

I don't think people are particularly unfair on single parents.

Having tried to merge a family, I can vouch for the difficulties and misery that it can cause and there are too many stories of newly arrived partners making children's lives hell or vice versa. You did well OP, but that doesn't mean it will work for others. And it is such a risk.

Since having DS, I have dated but away from the house. I can have a relationship without imposing that relationship on my child. DS is now 15 and I may date in the next year or two but I won't bring anyone home to the house until he's headed off to university or wherever. His security comes first. Another couple of years won't kill me. Nearly there. 🙂

I think the issue is the frequency with which single parents are targetted and groomed by paeodophiles.

Take a look at this interview. It's about an undercover cop who infiltrated a paeodophile ring for 10 years. The most common method of gaining access to a child is to befriend that childs parent. The don't just groom the child, they groom the parent too

Isn't there statistics that back up the idea that the biggest danger to your children is the (unrelated) boyfriend of their mother?

Yes I got called a bad pArent for saying I wouldn't be waiting a year to introduce a partner and I don't know anyone irl who has waited a year

So, why haven’t you divorced then? Why are you dating to spend any time in keeping your marriage going. I mean, what a waste those date nights are or any alone time with your husband. You should be spending that time concentrating on your children’s needs and being proud of giving up your own personal life to raise your kids.

Do you see how ridiculous that sounds? Single parents are no less in need of adult companionship than you are. They are no less worthy of adult attention, affection and intimacy than you are.

I very much hope you reflect on what you said, really reflect on it, and realise how stupid it was.

@Thedm no one is saying that single parents shouldn't date.

A lot of people think that introducing little known men to children is a risk, thats what they're saying. Date away, I won't judge you!

I think each person must make their own choice. I do however think a year is too short.

In my mind you need to go really slowly with new relationships where DC are involved.

(Single parent - not in a relationship!)

@tescocreditcard

Um… can you read? The person I quoted literally said we shouldn’t date; that they wouldn’t date as a single parent because they’d be so proud to be raising children. So, it’s ok to focus on a maintaining a personal romantic relationship with your husband plus raise kids if you’re not a single parent, but if you’re single you should ONLY raise the kids because that’s rewarding enough.

I agrée with urging caution with introducing new partners.

I object to how single parents are blamed for making bad choices in a partner. Sometimes it's true but sometimes men hide how nasty they are till they have their hooks in you eg you have their child. And you can't know how lazy a parent a man will be till you have kids either

@Winterday1991 have you or are you a single parent? If not, how do you know what you'd do? You can be proud to be a parent and have a love life as well, just as you can be many things and still be a good parent.

Zombie thread but completely agree here, single parents are spoken to terribly on mumsnet!

Again, I note the zombie thread but interesting one. I've been seeing a man for a decade. My kids have met him and he's done loads for them in tech support and DIY mainly but he is in no way a significant part of their lives. We don't and won't cohabit and I get all the adult companionship I need from him, friends and colleagues without compromising my parenting. If we split up there'd be no fallout on them. It's possible to do both. I don't really recognise the accusation that sp are treated badly in here...yes they are criticised if you're complaining about issues with a new man less than a year in but rightly so. On the whole I've found this place and absolute lifeline as a SP..mi get a fair bit of my daily adult interaction from Mumsnet!

Yep! It's as though they think all of us have chosen this. Totally forgetting that widowed parents are single parents too and very tragically & sadly, this can happen to families of any age, young or old, wealthy or poor.

Yet it's always assumed that any younger and lower income single parent, is so by choice! That she's had a one night stand, got pregnant to get a council house and benefits (that old chestnut!) when that almost certainly wasn't the case for all but what I think is a very small number of cases.

And these are the same posters who will quite rightly encourage a woman who posts about her abusive husband, to leave with the kids and to go it alone...... In other words, to become a single parent!!!

Thing is, and speaking as a single parent who has had to deal with this scenario: the risk of introducing a partner before you are sure he can be trusted with both you and your kids is huge and justifies the robust warnings.

On balance I would far prefer for some people to feel mildly uncomfortable or a bit offended and apply much greater scrutiny and caution to a new relationship as a result than for an abusive, neglectful or uncommitted bloke to be introduced into a household.

There are good reasons to be cautious and apprehensive and people who don’t apply this are not doing adequate due diligence.

I haven't read the full thread (not sure I dare...) but I was going to start the exact same topic here today.

I’m in two minds about this as I can’t imagine how lonely being a single parent is and how you must long for intimacy and companionship, or just downright fun. It’s unreasonable to expect anyone to be a nun for a decade.

However I do also tend to believe that new relationships do, by and large, cause detriment to the children. I think it’s very rare indeed that a step parent or boyfriend enters the scene who is a true light in the children’s lives that they were otherwise lacking. In most cases I think it’s awkward, upsetting and unsettling, which is really tough on a young person who has already, most likely, had to cope with the loss of their family unit.

It’s a tricky one.

I think what people miss here is that we, as parents, make many decisions that may impact our kids lives in a way that could be perceived as having a negative impact on them. Moving house and moving out of their school area is one example. And then, of course, there’s divorce!

I absolutely agree there is diligence and consideration needed, but to say a single mother (who may have been single her child’s whole life) shouldn’t have a chance to start over and to potentially have another relationship, is very sad.

I adore my step father and had a very happy childhood. I trust myself to bring someone into my sons’ lives who would add value, the same way I trust myself with all the decisions I make in their lives.

I have been single 7 years and am currently not looking but I’d very happy if I met someone and am certainly hopeful that I will.

Google the Cinderella effect. The child is 100 times is more likely to be abused by a step parent than by biological parent. So before giving in to your 'urges' , ask yourself - is it worth putting my child at risk?

Well generally they are on here talking about it because it’s not working out very well

But let's be fair, it wouldn't be a very interesting if the people with good, healthy relationships started posting.

Similarly, the posts about husbands, friends and family are always negative ones.

No this is true
it was just in answer to OP feeling that single parents get a hard time about introducing partners.

yes they will if they post about it not going well and their kids not being happy

You got lucky.

Children are far more likely to be abused by a step dad figure as they often target single parents and have easy access to the children.

Often if boys are involved there is a lot of posturing for position in the teen years from boy and male regardless of how long the man has been in his life

If girls are involved they often feel uncomfortable moving around the house after a shower / in their PJs etc.

Obviously this isn't the case for every family but dating and living apart is far better for all involved until the children are old enough to make their own housing decisions.

And I say that as a single mum since DDs birth for the last 15 years. I was far too busy focussing on the two of us, retraining, doing a OU degree, shuttling DD around to activities to date let alone successfully balance a full blown relationship.

I used to work in a Secondary school and almost unilaterally the children lived with mum and they preferred their home space to be just that. Perhaps unjustly they were happier with dad's new partner but that was largely because they saw that as visiting rather than home.

I can only assume you don't follow current affairs or watch the news @SoOverThisAgain. Your children are obviously fortunate. They haven't been abused or murdered by your partner.