Single parents getting a hard time on here!

[SoOverThisAgain]

I’ve been reading some threads on here, is it me or do other mumsnetters automatically seem to give single parents who have dared to start dating and introduce kids to their new partners a really hard time?!
It seems like they think they should be single until the kids are fully grown!
I did it, and it worked wonderfully and we are now one big happy (most of the time!) blended family

@SereneFish are you usually so arrogant as to suggest your personal opinion is 'truth'? It certainly isn't my experience.

@Petra42 sorry to hear you have had that experience. You have kept the children safe and done the right thing.

Don't be terrified. MN has extremist opinions on many things, this is one of them.

All of this 'strong, independent women who have pride in themselves' narrative is just another tactic people use to belittle one another and make themselves feel superior. Similarly those who have no experience of being single because their family unit is soooo perfect are probably naively unaware that any circumstance can change at any time and they may find themselves in situations they never expected.

As long as your children are always your first priority and they are loved, well looked after and introduced thoughtfully and appropriately to any man you may meet in the future, there is nothing wrong with it. Blended families are families. I was part of one growing up and my son has a stepdad now. I was and still am very happy with my lot.

The most dangerous person in a child's life is likely mom's bf.

I lived that. I also saw it in my career.

Sure, step parenting and blending families can work. But when it doesn't, the kids pay the consequences for the rest of their lives.

I'm a fan of delaying dating, moving very slowly and not introducing children until the relationship appears like it will be long term, not joining households until it's shown all the kids and adults get along well and are compatible, and the new partner should not be disciplining the children of the other partner.

What, your experience of foisting a stepfather on your child leading to a messy break up and him being "very upset" before doing it all over again? Thank you for proving my point.

As long as they are loved & well looked after?! That’s a basic isn’t it? What about what they do & don’t want and their happiness, does that not matter?

I am with you. There are quite a lot of threads so short minded and judgemental that are difficult to read, my guess is that many of the people that post have no experience of raising kids alone and are doing a lot of arm chair parenting based on a handful of gory news.

One aspect I find unfair is that there are more women putting their children in danger by staying with an abusive husband or long term partner but they don’t get the stigma lone parents do. It is often assumed that lone parents are bad parents even when a lone parent is the parent who was left “holding the baby” and most likely the only one putting her children first by providing the lion’s share of care and sustainance.

Another aspect to consider is that, putting widows aside, who are raising kids alone due to circumstances outside their control, the vast majority of lone parents are women who had the courage and determination to leave a bad relationship so we .should be giving more credit to their intellect rather than assuming that them rebuilding their lives will result in a child getting abused and murdered down the line.

I don't think many children are overjoyed at having to share their home and parent with a stranger. It might be easier when they are younger and more accepting. Single parents will want connection, as much as anyone, but I think the relationship will need to take place outside the home and not be foisted on children. I do think step-parents lack the genetic bond to put their stepchildren first, and definitely not when they have children of their own.

It's not single mums getting a hard time. It's single mums who:

Introduce a new 'partner' (boyfriend) within a short period.
Move in with a partner very soon, giving up their independence.
Let a partner move in with them too soon; a strange man in the house is about the most dangerous thing you can do to kids.
Put partners' needs above kids' needs.
Put up with abusive or shitty behaviour in order to have a partner.
Become the house elf for said partners' children at the expense of hers.
Let said partner 'parent' her children in a crap way.
Let said partner fall out with (typically) the eldest boy once he becomes a teenager (like a blinking lion pride). Or the eldest girl once she has opinions and her own mind.
Have a new baby and act like that is the important child.
Treat the different children differently.
Prioritise anyone but the existing children.

Avoid those, and almost all my single parent friends have, great!

But if you can't avoid those, don't date.

This.

If people fail to make a go of the relationship (or lack thereof) that produced the children, it's their duty to do without until the children are grown.

No one is forced to bear children. Doing so and then traumatizing them with the introduction, sometimes repeatedly, of strangers into their lives and homes is reprehensible. Especially when the single parent has a history of making poor choices.

No one is going to die from not dating.

I've been a 'nun' for 9 years now and don't intend to date until DD is 18 at the very least so I've got another 8/9 years.
Many reasons but the two biggest are that I'm a lone parent with the father no longer with us, so she's with me 7 days a week and have literally nobody to call on for overnight childcare. So I'd never be able to spend the night with anyone I dated. Also, my DD already has all the natural pitfalls of having a DM with a severe (and in many ways, restrictive to her) disability, so the last thing she needs is a potentially heartbroken mummy or a distracted mummy as well. She deserves all of me. She’s been through enough.

Even if I could date though, I absolutely wouldn’t introduce them for a minimum of a year, possibly two. Although I’m not sure a blended family would ever be for me, personally.

As a lone parent I have never and would never, ever do any of this! I know many do though. It’s very sad.

My mother met my stepfather (who adopted me) when I was quite a small baby and they dated ( very regularly) for a year before she introduced him to me. No other father in the picture at all and they didn't live together until they married when I was 2.5, went on to have my siblings. Mum always said that she had to be certain before he was in my life permanently, both about him and that the relationship would last. This was the early 60s.

It was probably made easier than it would be for many single parents today because we were living with my grandparents (built in babysitters) and they met through work, so there was a fair bit of provenance, rather more than via an app.

I just think anyone dating with children needs to be very, very careful and take things slowly. The risk of a step parent being abusive is real, but a revolving door of adults who are highly significant one day and gone forever the next can be nothing other than damaging IMO.

@Newsingle mumsnet can be an bunch of vipers. I'd say the key point is date but don't move anyone in. I don't even do overnights unless the weekend if I have childcare. But I choose this option. My problem is my partner wants more time but I haven't got that time free! I'd have been quite happy to date casually if honest.

Where's the evidence for '100x more likely', please? Because that's not what I get when I Google.

Are you genuinely quibbling with those poster's very considerate, well thought out message? No of course it isn't all about what children 'want'. Mine 'want' to eat McDonald's every day.

That post advocated putting your children first, loving and caring for them.

I didn't "fail" to make a go of the relationship that my children come from. He did. I tried everything. He still fucked off.

Yet I should have to be single forever? I, not forever, until my DC are grown? Should the same rule apply to their Dad?

I'm actually happily single at the moment. FWIW. But I shouldn't have to be.

This was my mother's take, when my father left her when I was 11, in the mid-eighties, and I am very grateful she took this stance. As is she - she says she has no regrets at all.

theconversation.com/the-cinderella-effect-are-stepfathers-dangerous-103707

Yes i is see a lot of this. Especially "never married" single parents- a poster once told me I should have had an abortion. I'm a hard working professional who has never claimed benefits and does a reasonable job of child rearing

The problem with waiting until your kids are 18 is that by then you may be too old, too set on your ways and there would be far less prospects.

The problem of waiting a year to introduce the children is that if your partner ends out not getting along with the children, it will be more difficult to send him flying, especially if he is a very nice man in many other aspects.

New relationships are not always in detriment of your children, your kids may love having your new partner around and get along with step siblings like a house on fire. It is not unheard of. I have seen blended families working beautifully. Yes l, they may have the occasional problem as any “unblended” family would but in general do well, it doesn’t have to be misery all the time.

An ex of a friend moved some random into her house. He coincidentally fell in love with mum while being borderline homeless, which is so often the case.

The DD has gone from a sunny, fun, sweet child who always wore flowery dresses and summer colours to a sad young woman who wears 'boys' clothes and hides herself away. I suspect I know what has happened and have spoken to dad and given him advice on what to do.

Mum is oblivious and treats her DD by turns as a confidant and an annoyance. THAT'S the thing not to do. There are a lot of unsafe men in the world and the easiest way to abuse a child is to live with the child's mum.

Agreed agreed! 100% spot on!

Wanting macdonalds is a world away from wanting/not wanting an unrelated male forced in your home. I think you surely must know this!

I love this post.