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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend sent a scan picture knowing I went through a miscarriage and ectopic

122 replies

Aniya · 21/11/2023 12:50

Hi
I guess I am writing this more to get it off my chest than anything. I know there will be people who will say I am unreasonable and others on the opposite side.

So I have a small group chat with two of my friends. Yesterday one of them sent a picture of her baby scan with a cheerful "Baby bean is saying hello to aunties", although she knows I had an early miscarriage as well as an ectopic pregnancy. It really crushed my heart to see the photo and I felt it was very insensitive... I was happy for her when she announced her pregnancy and I tried to support her and listen about how bad she felt in this pregnancy etc. but considering there was only a 2-month difference between my ectopic and her baby it was still sad for me - a reminder of two really hard experiences.

I also felt really sad about her behavior as she herself had 3 blighted ovum so she knows what it means to struggle with infertility and I was hoping she would be more considerate about my own losses.

She is not my best friend though and it's not the first time she has sent some insensitive messages. Before I put up with them for the sake of the old friendship, but this time I ended up deleting a positive message they had not yet read and left it like that. A part of me feels bad about it, I guess I am a people pleaser...
Unfortunately, she is not the type of person I could talk to and explain how this made me feel to resolve this - she is very 'hyper' spiritual and she would just behave like I am on a 'lower level of spiritual development' or something like that.
I was thinking about ending this friendship but I find it hard as there are 3 of us and I really don't want to put the other friend in an uncomfortable situation.

As I said I am not sure if this is an AIBU, I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest..

OP posts:

TheresaCrowd · 21/11/2023 13:05

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm wondering though if it's because you appeared happy and supportive when she announced it, that she might feel as though you'd also be happy to see the scan pic?

Also, maybe she didn't want to just send it privately to your other friend, in case you thought that was somehow patronising?

I imagine it's difficult to know what to do for the best in this situation.

Thisusernamenotavailable · 21/11/2023 13:07

I’ve been in your situation. A long time ago. I was unreasonable too. It’s allowed. I’m so sorry for your losses. Back off if you need to.

HiCandles · 21/11/2023 13:15

Could you ask the mutual friend to have a word reminding her that such things may be difficult for you?

Vinrouge4 · 21/11/2023 13:16

I'm sorry for your loss. You say she has struggled with infertility too so is probably over the moon about her pregnancy. Imagine if it were you? Wouldn't you be the same and want to share with friends and be hurt if others weren't pleased for you. It is maybe a bit insensitive of her but I would be the bigger person and say something nice.

girljulian · 21/11/2023 13:18

I'm so sorry for your loss but I do think you're being a bit unreasonable here. She sounds to me as if she's trying to include you in her joy rather than rub it in your face -- especially given her own infertility struggles. I recently had a miscarriage and I'd feel so much worse if it made my friends think they had to walk on eggshells around me. I'd much rather be included as "auntie" and see that at least somebody's having some good luck after the bad.

That said, you may feel differently but she can't know that. If you do, and you don't want to see anything related to her pregnancy, tell her.

TropDrôle · 21/11/2023 13:18

You’re unreasonable but it’s understandable.

Namenotavailableagain · 21/11/2023 13:18

I'm sorry for your loss and I say this as someone who has been through multiple losses. You are allowed to grieve and simultaneously be happy for loved ones, you don't have to choose one or the other you can do both. If you need to protect your peace by distancing yourself from her do so.

AlenaMacc · 21/11/2023 13:19

I have a friend who got pregnant at the same time as me but unfortunately lost the baby later in the pregnancy. I would never do something like that to her.

Whenever we would chat after this happened (she lives in a different country so we don’t see each other in person a lot), I steered clear of mentioning my pregnancy at all. It’s unnecessary pain for the other person in my opinion. It’s not hugely rude, but it’s tone deaf in my opinion and you are right to feel down by her not taking this into account. But then again I am a very sensitive person myself, so I always try to think how my words would make the other person feel. Unfortunately most people don’t think too much about that.

SapphosRock · 21/11/2023 13:20

TropDrôle · 21/11/2023 13:18

You’re unreasonable but it’s understandable.

This

StBrides · 21/11/2023 13:21

Yanbu and I agree it's insensitive but I think she's caught up in her excitement and it's probably a genuine oversight.

I'm very sorry for all you've been through. I think talking to a mutual friend is a good idea

MalcolmTuckersSwearBox · 21/11/2023 13:21

TropDrôle · 21/11/2023 13:18

You’re unreasonable but it’s understandable.

Totally this. I'm sorry for your losses, OP.

loganhoonabootthetoon · 21/11/2023 13:27

I have had 3 miscarriages and one ectopic. Other people's pregnancies are hard when you're on the other side. However, I always took the view that other people are entitled to their joy as much as I am my sadness. Your friend has also had a difficult road to pregnancy and she understandably wants to share that.

I think you're being unreasonable but can understand why.

BlueGrey1 · 21/11/2023 13:28

Turn off notifications for this particular group and move the chat to archive ( if it’s Whattsapp)for a while if you don’t want to see these updates, you can look at them then when you feel ready,

I think she was being insensitive but maybe her excitement got the better of her and she wasn’t thinking

Sorry for your loss

CornishGem1975 · 21/11/2023 13:28

You are being unreasonable, but you're allowed to be.

BlackGoldSun · 21/11/2023 13:28

Vinrouge4 · 21/11/2023 13:16

No, after struggling with infertility I wouldn’t then be insensitive to others, it made me have more empathy, not less. I still hate seeing scan pictures.

SoSad44 · 21/11/2023 13:30

Something similar happened to me tol. Happy pregnancy announcements after 3 MC. You are unreasonable (as was I) but it’s ok to feel upset and be grieving about the pregnancies you lost. Give yourself time but don’t punish your friend.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 21/11/2023 13:33

loganhoonabootthetoon · 21/11/2023 13:27

I think you're being unreasonable but can understand why.

I made a similar response to a similar post the other day. I never ever felt upset that friends were expecting. I was happy for them.and their families but it made me realise what we had missed out and that was where my sadness came from xx

IAmAnIdiot123 · 21/11/2023 13:34

There's no right way for friends to behave on this situation. We suffered with infertility for 7 years, I hated people tiptoeing around announcements or treating me differently from their other friends. It's really shit and I'm sorry for your losses but honestly there is no way she could have acted that would have made you feel better.

Aprilx · 21/11/2023 13:34

I have not suffered any miscarriages, but I did suffer from infertility and I am now in my 50s and childless. So I do have an understanding, albeit of a less devastating type, of how it feels when other people share their pregnancy news.

I think it is understandable that you find it upsetting, but I think it would be unreasonable to say anything, even to your other friends, or to end the friendship over this.

Other people will get pregnant and have babies and hopefully your time will come, mine never did, but I always smiled through other people's news and was also genuinely happy for them.

Char65 · 21/11/2023 13:41

I totally feel for you and think it was amazingly insensitive! I'm not surprised you're annoyed about it. I get that's in a group chat but she could have removed your name. Many moons ago I had a miscarriage and was at a social event with DH when a woman tapped her stomach and proudly announced she was pregnant and I just burst into tears and in fairness she didn't even know about my miscarriage so hugs from me. The friendship I guess you'd have to think about and if it will affect the other friendships but its perfectly alright to keep the friends you do like and not this insensitive dope.

gemloving · 21/11/2023 13:44

I'm sorry for your losses but she might be like me. My baby died at 35 weeks in the womb and pregnancy announcements do not bother me. I had friends message me the most sensitive messages but I cried out of happiness 2 months after my baby died for her to be pregnant. Some people don't have much empathy naturally if they haven't experienced it, so she might mean no harm but it you believe she means harm, then she is not your friend and not worth your time. Sending hugs x

randomusernam · 21/11/2023 13:46

In the nicest way I never understand this point of view. I've had three miscarriages and asking someone to not be excited about their news just because you are having a tough time feels really unfair. I've been in this situation where one of my best friends got pregnant without really trying while I was trying and I had a miscarriage a week or two after she told me. I still asked to see scan pictures and how she was getting on/ feeling. She wasn't trying to rub it in my face she just excited and wanted to share it with her friends. I was excited for her.

youcandanceifyouwanna · 21/11/2023 13:47

You're not being unreasonable, it's really insensitive of her. Just an aside though, it might help to get some conselling or support if you haven't already.

Maray1967 · 21/11/2023 13:51

Thisusernamenotavailable · 21/11/2023 13:07

I’ve been in your situation. A long time ago. I was unreasonable too. It’s allowed. I’m so sorry for your losses. Back off if you need to.

Similar here. I was expected to look at them in person as they passed them to first to my DH and I was on his other side. I shook my head and he passed them back. Awkward, but I don’t think they should have come out. There was only us there, no one they were showing them to.

Original poster

Aniya · 21/11/2023 13:52

Thank you all for your kind messages and different points of view.

I think I should clarify that this was not a pregnancy announcement but a later scan photo.

I guess we are all different and I personally would not send a scan photo to the group after her blighted ovums, I would be happy for myself but would be aware that this could be painful for her.

My best friend is also pregnant with a baby at the same age as my ectopic would be and we do talk about her pregnancy often but she is more sensitive (maybe that's why she is my best friend after all!)

Still thank you for the opposite point of view, they made me realise that if this was a one-off I would probably try to be ok with it, but it wasn't and I guess this was just the last thing that got the worse of me. What I am trying to say is that if this friendship was a good supportive one like with my best friend I would propably not have reacted like this.

OP posts:

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