Friend sent a scan picture knowing I went through a miscarriage and ectopic

[Aniya]

Hi
I guess I am writing this more to get it off my chest than anything. I know there will be people who will say I am unreasonable and others on the opposite side.

So I have a small group chat with two of my friends. Yesterday one of them sent a picture of her baby scan with a cheerful "Baby bean is saying hello to aunties", although she knows I had an early miscarriage as well as an ectopic pregnancy. It really crushed my heart to see the photo and I felt it was very insensitive... I was happy for her when she announced her pregnancy and I tried to support her and listen about how bad she felt in this pregnancy etc. but considering there was only a 2-month difference between my ectopic and her baby it was still sad for me - a reminder of two really hard experiences.

I also felt really sad about her behavior as she herself had 3 blighted ovum so she knows what it means to struggle with infertility and I was hoping she would be more considerate about my own losses.

She is not my best friend though and it's not the first time she has sent some insensitive messages. Before I put up with them for the sake of the old friendship, but this time I ended up deleting a positive message they had not yet read and left it like that. A part of me feels bad about it, I guess I am a people pleaser...
Unfortunately, she is not the type of person I could talk to and explain how this made me feel to resolve this - she is very 'hyper' spiritual and she would just behave like I am on a 'lower level of spiritual development' or something like that.
I was thinking about ending this friendship but I find it hard as there are 3 of us and I really don't want to put the other friend in an uncomfortable situation.

As I said I am not sure if this is an AIBU, I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest..

Also I'd end the friendship over the patronising spiritual development stuff. I mean, believe what you want but don't use it to make others feel small.

YANBU at all. It’s totally unnecessary for her to send a scan photo. Telling you, fine. I’d quietly withdraw from the friendship; unless you want to make a fuss. Just mute and archive the WhatsApp group

I'm sorry for your loss bit your friend is allowed to feel happy about her pregnancy, I couldn't share updates or pictures about my pregnancy because one of our friends had miscarriages too bit then she got pregnant and the whatsapp group was inundated with her updates or pictures but I could not have the same experience of her because of her... very unfair.

Don't be bitter and be happy for your friend. Should I stopped people talking about her happy news because I don't have any? That would be very selfish...

Yes but regarding the actual pregnancy announcement you said...

I was happy for her when she announced her pregnancy and I tried to support her and listen about how bad she felt in this pregnancy etc.

So perhaps that's why she felt the scan pic was ok?

It’s awful to lose a pregnancy but you can’t take away someone’s right to share joy with friends. Honestly if you don’t want to hear or read about it you need to tell her.
I remember my best friend coming to see me in hospital when I lost my baby. We were pregnant at the same time and it hurt and I cried. She wasn’t being insensitive, she was worried about me. Open up about your feelings or step away.

I have a friend who had a miscarriage and struggled with secondary infertility and we were all really careful around the topic, none of us had baby showers even tho she had one previously and she is now pregnant and announced in the group chat without a second thought for any of us. So if you were pregnant would you be announcing? Because if so I’m sorry but you are being unreasonable.

I can definitely see how this would have been upsetting for you. I am infertile and I’m genuinely happy for anyone who can get pregnant without a struggle, I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone. Despite that, there’s a sadness there that I will always have to pay with my mental health, my body will pay, financially we will pay to conceive, and pregnancy announcements & scans are a reminder of that.

One of my friends told me she was pregnant on the day I started IVF injections 🫣

I think YABU but that it's understandable that you are too. If you want to back off then do so but I'm not sure that it would make you feel better.

Would it be helpful to acknowledge that the scan picture makes you feel a bit sad. Say something friendly and positive about the scan picture and also say that it made you feel a little sad. Nothing heavy but a small acknowledgment.

It's ok for you to say you feel sad but it's also ok for her to feel happy.

I've been on both sides of this (many rounds of IVF and finally getting pregnant with friends who had still not go there) and I would never in 100 years send anyone apart from my DH and parents a scan picture. Partly because I don't really think it's something to share but mainly as I know the massive kick in the stomach feeling of receiving it when just having had a failed IVF round and you never know what people are going through. One sensitive message direct to the person to explain that you're now pregnant and then shut up about it unless asked.

You arent unreasonable. A true friend would be sensitive to your feelings. I've had 2 miscarriages and although I know it has no bearing on my loss, I'm dreading a friend or relative saying they are pregnant. You dont have to cut her off and make a big deal of it, e.g confronting her, just distance yourself from her and view her as your friends friend, then you cant be as hurt by her anymore.

I've had multiple miscarriages too, and this is pretty much my stance.

I think after my first miscarriage though which was a shock to the system for me, I probably would feel like OP, but then the more I had, the easier it was to separate my sadness from other people's happiness. When my friends started having babies I was just excited that I'd get to cuddle a baby soon even if it wasn't my own.

I have had my son since and I was excited and did want to show off what I'd done because we all deserve happiness and we all deserve to be able to show we're happy.

Do you mean you don't feel the same way as the OP or do you mean that you genuinely can't understand how someone who has had a miscarriage would feel that it's a little insensitive for someone to send a scan pic to them?

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I can understand that it wouldn't bother some people but on the other hand, I can completely understand it upsetting another person.

I remember in work, I'd had a miscarriage, which the team knew about and a week or so later, one of the other girls, who like me, had be through a few miscarriages, was sitting in the office, a few of us, and they were all gushing about her 12 week scan pics etc. While I was genuinely really, really happy for her, I just wish that they had thought, wait a minute, round and round has just lost her baby, so let's maybe tone it down a bit or wait until she's not here to ask Sarah about the baby. I was happy for her and understood everyone else's joy and I also got that they were probably just wrapped up in the good news but it still hurt to the point where I had to take myself off to the toilets as I could feel my eyes welling up.

This and try to remember her pregnancy is unrelated to your pregnancy loss.

I'm very sorry for your loss. However, she's also allowed to be happy about being pregnant.

@Thisusernamenotavailable this is a beautiful response and so well worded. OP- Whatever you feel is valid. It’s allowed. Do what you need to do.

Can she not be happy and sensitive at the same time? She hadn't come across as bitter at all, just reflective and wants to prioritise her own comfort levels, friend isnt meeting those.

YABU

She is happy about her baby news and wants to share the journey with her friends.
If you get pregnant too, you’d also probably do the same.

It’s ok to feel upset though.
I wouldn’t say anything but if it carries on and you are struggling, I would just send her a private message explaining that you’re going to remove yourself from the group, as you’re finding it too difficult but don’t want her to feel bad about her good news.

This exactly. (Having been on both sides)

She’s likely just being a bit insensitive rather than malicious, anyway whatever the motivation you don’t have to put up with it- perhaps phrase it to her in new age speak like
”Dear X, I’m really happy for you that everything is going well but I wanted to reach out to let you know that I am still in the middle of my grief process concerning my own loss, and I am in a place at the moment where knowing too many detail about other people’s pregnancies sets that journey back rather than helps it. I’d be really grateful if you could perhaps leave me out of other baby updates until I’m in a stronger place mentally. Obviously if there is something you need help with from me then of course let me know. And of course do let me know when baby is here.”

In other words, stop with the baby spam at least until it’s born (be aware you might have to impose another boundary at that point as she sounds like an over-sharer).

I agree with this

I voted YANBU but I don’t really think it matters in this case if you are or aren’t - a miscarriage is one time you’re allowed to be unreasonable IMO. Of course it’s going to be painful and difficult seeing others fall pregnant even if you’re also happy for them. It is really hard to balance your very understandable feelings against your friend’s also understandable excitement and happiness. Is it possible she thinks you would find it worse to be excluded from her pregnancy happiness? If you need to take a step back then don’t feel bad about it.

Some of these responses are so odd…I would never want a friend who miscarried to feel I was rubbing my pregnancy in their face, my baby is (hopefully) around for a long time and friend can meet them etc when they’re ready, but nothing is going to bring back the baby they lost. IMO a good friend’s grief over miscarriage would always come before my happiness at being pregnant

Don't be so ridiculous, the friend sent her a scan photo which is really unnecessary, there was no need for her to do that at all, she should have just told her about the pregnancy in the normal way...

you call your early miscarriages just that, but hers are blighted ovum’s…. Which are also early miscarriages. There’s no clear hierarchy to that sort of loss so let her celebrate her good news now with as much grace as you can manage

I'm sorry for your loss OP.
Personally I have 2 living children from 8 pregnancies so I really do understand that it is painful.
But the sad fact is that 9 times out of 10 your miscarriages mean nothing to the rest of the world. Life goes on as normal for the rest of the world and over time you learn that, just like any bereavement it's a process but you can't expect the world to wait for that process no matter how close the friendship.