Friend sent a scan picture knowing I went through a miscarriage and ectopic

[Aniya]

Hi
I guess I am writing this more to get it off my chest than anything. I know there will be people who will say I am unreasonable and others on the opposite side.

So I have a small group chat with two of my friends. Yesterday one of them sent a picture of her baby scan with a cheerful "Baby bean is saying hello to aunties", although she knows I had an early miscarriage as well as an ectopic pregnancy. It really crushed my heart to see the photo and I felt it was very insensitive... I was happy for her when she announced her pregnancy and I tried to support her and listen about how bad she felt in this pregnancy etc. but considering there was only a 2-month difference between my ectopic and her baby it was still sad for me - a reminder of two really hard experiences.

I also felt really sad about her behavior as she herself had 3 blighted ovum so she knows what it means to struggle with infertility and I was hoping she would be more considerate about my own losses.

She is not my best friend though and it's not the first time she has sent some insensitive messages. Before I put up with them for the sake of the old friendship, but this time I ended up deleting a positive message they had not yet read and left it like that. A part of me feels bad about it, I guess I am a people pleaser...
Unfortunately, she is not the type of person I could talk to and explain how this made me feel to resolve this - she is very 'hyper' spiritual and she would just behave like I am on a 'lower level of spiritual development' or something like that.
I was thinking about ending this friendship but I find it hard as there are 3 of us and I really don't want to put the other friend in an uncomfortable situation.

As I said I am not sure if this is an AIBU, I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest..

@coffeeaddict77 it isn't beyond the realms of possibility that OP or indeed anyone in that position would feel left out by not being included in the mum to be's joy. It could be perceived that OP was being treated differently to other friends if she wasn't included - and that has the potential to cause pain.

This is spot on.

Also as @FlipsSakeMum and PP have said (I've been in the same situation) I would hate to think people had to tiptoe around me and not share their joy. Yes its difficult to hear of other people's successful pregnancies but it doesn't make them wrong. I'm sure there wasn't any intention to upset you OP.

How would OP feel left out about not receiving a scan photo? She probably wouldn't even know about it. Other people's scan pictures aren't very interesting to most people but if she did want receive one she would just ask surely?

Coffeeaddict - perhaps the friend really did set out to hurt OP and is no friend at all. (We are not in a position to tell. ) I hope not!

There really are other possibilities.

I can see that she could just be sharing the special moments of this surprising pregnancy -with people she is close to. I hope this is her motivation-and that when OP lets her know which things are too painful she will listen.

Obviously she didn't intend to hurt OP. I doubt she gave her much thought at all. That's the whole point. She should have thought about it..

This.

She has form.

Quietly withdraw.

See your real friend alone.

I'm so sorry things have been so hard for you.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and I’m very sorry for your loss. 💐 There’s a difference between showing a scan pic and announcing the pregnancy. OP has been supportive of the announcement. I wouldn’t show off a scan photo to a friend who has very recently lost a pregnancy.

i voted yanbu. I think she’s being a bit insensitive. Many years ago I suffered a loss after infertility and the loss further impacted my fertility. A friend sent me a card telling me she was pregnant four days after my loss. It wasn’t the fact that she was pregnant that upset me, I was delighted for her, it was her insensitivity, she really should have waited a few weeks to tell me, I was so raw from my loss.

I am so sorry to hear of your losses and I hope you are receiving the support you need. There was no support available when I had my losses. It really can be a very difficult time.

Threads like this honestly make me cringe, hard. It's all very self-indulgent to expect other people to dampen the highlights in their lives, because of another person's negative experiences.

I don't think there's a person around, who doesn't sympathise with miscarriages or ectopic pregnancies, fertility issues, etc. Why does that mean you can't be happy for her? Why does that mean she cannot enjoy the highlight of her life? She absolutely deserves to, as much as you deserve the same. I'm very sorry you've gone through what you have, it's awful.

I think you are grieving, which is not unreasonable, but projecting that onto her is extremely unreasonable. I can understand feelings of sadness, grief, even jealousy that it is happening for her, but she is not being insensitive.

It's a big thing for her. She deserves to enjoy it. She's not rubbing it in your face. She's sharing her good news with friends. I have fertility problems, and personally, I've always been happy for friends who have conceived and carried to term. I do recognise I am matter of fact though, and that whilst I'm sad life is unfair to me, it's no one else's problem or fault, and I wouldn't want them having to censor the happy times in their lives, because of my struggles.

Life is shit and unfair OP, in different ways for different people. It's very difficult to accept, why us? I don't know the intricacies of your issues, but perhaps your time is coming. If it happened for me, I wouldn't want to censor or dampen it.

Why does sharing your life highlights mean to send a scan picture to a friend who has recently had a pregnancy loss? It isn’t saying OP doesn’t want to talk about the pregnancy.

I think she was shockingly insensitive.

You lost a baby, you're in mourning.

You are not being unreasonable.

If she was a decent and considerate person, she would know better.

That's my view.

'She should have thought about it'
However, as you can see on here - giving lots of thought might still leave you uncertain. Perhaps the friend believed OP's original response to the pregnancy as showing she could be happy for her and was ok about the whole thing. Coffeeaddict - you only see one action as right; for many reasons it isn't as simple to everyone.

Friendship is precious.
Sometimes it is easy and sometimes takes communication and work.
This is especially true at times of tragedy or even just stress... the very times when it is most worth the work.

You can suddenly very offended or hurt by the way you interpret a friend's words or actions and want to shut them out, but believing the worst and ghosting/cutting someone off can be a deeper loss than it seems in the moment.

If she was uncertain about whether or not sending a scan picture would upset OP then why send it? Nobody would be upset not to get a scan picture but if they might be upset to get it best stick to the safe option and not send don't you think? I haven't suggested OP "ghosts" or shuts her friend out so I'm not sure why you are talking about that.

YABU, it’s not like she sprung an announcement on you; you already knew. I’m sorry for your losses but how does the photo itself make any difference?

You are not being unreasonable at all, especially since in your first post you mentioned that she had been insensitive before. Sometimes you need to put yourself first in order to heal.

Oh OP what awful losses you’ve had to endure! I’m so sorry.

However, in the nicest possible way YABU. Her pregnancy is happening and she wants her friends to be excited. It’s surely preferable than pretending it isn’t going on. I think in time you will be OK with it, please don’t burn your bridges with a good friend.

I think sending scan photos is a bit naff to be honest, but it was almost certainly kindly meant. Your friend is happy and excited, and a little bit of oversharing is easily forgiven.

I was pregnant at the same time as my BFF we even had the same due date. When she went for her 12 weeek scan it was a missed miscarriage . I felt terrible as mine was successful (I have miscarried before). She told me she really wanted me to talk about my pregnancy and see photos, she wanted hope and happiness so I did as she asked but did feel so awful. I think clear communications is key - I’d have assumed my friend didn’t want to to talk about my pregnancy and everyone is different!

I think this hits the nail on the head.

My friend and I were in a similar situation. She said she felt happy for me, particularly considering I'd had losses too.

I have to say, I really don’t understand why anyone would send a scan photo to a friend who has recently lost a pregnancy.

If OP had said she had a miscarriage and she doesn’t want to hear any pregnancy announcements or baby talk, I’d think she was unreasonable. This isn’t the case. An ultrasound photo being sent via WhatsApp does seem insensitive to me.

I’m sure the friend didn’t mean to upset anyone though and got swept up in the excitement. I’m quite surprised at people on here justifying it though! Yes life goes on and people have babies. ‘Life’ doesn’t need to include sending a scan photo to a friend who had a loss 2 months ago.

YABU but it's completely understandable.
It's the same with any loss. I lost a child, but people still told me about their children the same age. What could I do? I couldn't cut myself off from hearing about children. I'd imagine it feels the same when people lose a parent or partner. People will still talk about theirs. It would be much worse if people stop talking to you, because it might upset you.
I'm sorry for your loss and I hope your struggles end. Don't let it ruin a friendship or make you bitter.