Friend sent a scan picture knowing I went through a miscarriage and ectopic

[Aniya]

Hi
I guess I am writing this more to get it off my chest than anything. I know there will be people who will say I am unreasonable and others on the opposite side.

So I have a small group chat with two of my friends. Yesterday one of them sent a picture of her baby scan with a cheerful "Baby bean is saying hello to aunties", although she knows I had an early miscarriage as well as an ectopic pregnancy. It really crushed my heart to see the photo and I felt it was very insensitive... I was happy for her when she announced her pregnancy and I tried to support her and listen about how bad she felt in this pregnancy etc. but considering there was only a 2-month difference between my ectopic and her baby it was still sad for me - a reminder of two really hard experiences.

I also felt really sad about her behavior as she herself had 3 blighted ovum so she knows what it means to struggle with infertility and I was hoping she would be more considerate about my own losses.

She is not my best friend though and it's not the first time she has sent some insensitive messages. Before I put up with them for the sake of the old friendship, but this time I ended up deleting a positive message they had not yet read and left it like that. A part of me feels bad about it, I guess I am a people pleaser...
Unfortunately, she is not the type of person I could talk to and explain how this made me feel to resolve this - she is very 'hyper' spiritual and she would just behave like I am on a 'lower level of spiritual development' or something like that.
I was thinking about ending this friendship but I find it hard as there are 3 of us and I really don't want to put the other friend in an uncomfortable situation.

As I said I am not sure if this is an AIBU, I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest..

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to feel upset. This has opened up some emotional wounds that were not even beginning to heal.

That said, I don't think your friend has been unreasonable either. You've probably done a really good job of convincing her that you are happy for her and that you would love to hear more about little bean. She referred to you as an auntie so she thinks fondly of you, and probably thought you would feel worse about being left out if everybody else started talking about the scan photo and you had not been included.

If you can manage it then I would not say anything. If it really is too much for you, then I would politely say something. Emphasise that you don't want any weirdness but it's just a bit upsetting to see the scan photos. But you'd love to still meet up. I think most people would understand totally.

When you got pregnant how did you let your friends and family know? Because in my experience I have been really careful and sensitive to friends who have experienced loss and infertility but they then shouted from the rooftops when they got pregnant (because they were so happy after years of struggle). So I had to tone down my experience with my first pregnancy for them but then when I had fertility issues with my next pregnancies I had to suck it up because it was ‘their turn now.’

In a follow up post the OP said that her actual best friend is also pregnancy, and if op is sensitive about a scan photo on a group WhatsApp I imagine the best friend isn’t allowed to celebrate her pregnancy much either. That is sad.

yes you are unreasonable but you are absolutely allowed to be in this situation. Don't say anything just let it go

Why can't you just be pleased for her?

You are being unreasonable - but understandably so.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and your pain.

The world is full of pregnant women- I think that it seems there are more than usual when you have suffered such a loss - and no doubt seeing them will be very difficult for you.

However, this particular one is a friend of yours - and one you will want the best for.

It is tough for you of course- but before you react 'out loud', do you really want your all closest friends to feel they must hide their feelings and important events from you? You need their friendship just now and not an edited version of it.

Remember that your friend has had a tough time too - so knows how precious joy is. Understand that she probably just wants to share that joy.

I think she was being really insensitive. I had several miscarriages and while I was okay following the first and maybe wouldn't have been upset, I would have been devastated following the second and third. Everyone's circumstances are different but given it's not necessary to send a scan photo to everyone I just wouldn't do it unless I was absolutely certain it wouldn't upset anyone. I think you really find out who your friends are after miscarriage..

They should feel that they need to "hide" some of their feelings if pregnant when with someone who has suffered a pregnancy loss or infertility.

Why?

YANBU - I would not consider her a friend with that lack of sensitivity and would distance myself. You need to protect your mental health x

She IBU for ‘baby bean’ 🤢🤢🤢🤢 sooooo original and adorable (not).

She also BU for her insensitivity, obvs.

'They should feel that they need to "hide" some of their feelings if pregnant when with someone who has suffered a pregnancy loss or infertility.'

Friends could well feel this - but it might not be good for the someone suffering.

Having friends leave you out of communications/meetings or pretending about their feelings (all for fear of causing more pain) does result in you being partly cut-off and just when you most need support.

Making everyone around you feel (or just act) sad doesn't really help you feel better yourself.

I found asking to be allowed private time to adjust to news but not being cut off completely helped.

It is quite difficult to hide a growing pregnancy anyway. It will be that elephant!
It is a huge event in a person's life and very difficult not to share any of it with a close friend.

If you knew she was pregnant you could have said to her that whilst you are very happy for her, you are still grieving and distressed by your loss and you are not ready to see any scan photos or baby stuff she's bought etc, just yet?

I think it's unfair to make others gauge whether you will be upset at being interested in their good news and for how long when any upset can easily be prevented by discussing it with your friends.

Because if someone has recently had a miscarriage it is pretty obvious that they might not want to think/hear about pregnancy too much. Read the room and think before going on and on about the joys of pregnancy if you are with someone who has recently lost their baby.

I'm not talking about leaving someone out of meetings, never saying anything about pregnancy or completely hiding it. However, there's no need to go into great detail regarding pregnancy experiences or send scan pictures to someone who has recently had miscarriages.

Regarding support, I had miscarriages many years ago and generally I would never have wanted "support" from someone who was pregnant themselves. Not only did I not wanted to hear too much about their pregnancy experiences, but I was acutely aware they probably didn't want to hear about the ins and outs of my miscarriages either. Who wants to hear details reminding them about what can go wrong when pregnant?

I've been in your position OP. I had two miscarriages and then an ectopic. I had a very close friend due the same week I would have been with the ectopic. It was hard. You are being unreasonable but it's completely understandable.

I'd really not have wanted people to feel they had to hide their pregnancy news from me when I miscarried. I miscarried at 12 weeks. I'd be happy that they were happy. The only time I wouldn't like it would be if I thought they were doing it to hurt my feelings.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would be very upset to receive a scan picture after a pregnancy loss. Yes your friend is entitled to be excited but I think a bit of cop on and sensitivity needs to prevail. You already knew she was expecting. There's absolutely no need to send you a scan pic.

I would mute the WhatsApp group until you are ready for any baby related chat or updates.

And fingers crossed you have your own good news to share soon

I am so sorry for your loss.

Consider her position - she's damned if she does include you and she's damned if she doesn't.

Thoughts are completely optional. Your thought could be "she's being insensitive and I am hurt". Your thought could also be "how wonderful, I am so happy for her."

The beautiful part is that you get to pick what thoughts you think. So why not pick the one that makes YOU feel good? ❤️

Why would she be damned for not including OP in scan pictures etc? If I was in the position of not being sent scan photos by a pregnant friend just after a miscarriage I would appreciate that they were being considerate.

These are exactly my thoughts put in a far better way than I could manage. The sending of the scan photo and the message was unnecessary and insensitive.

I also don’t think either of you are unreasonable as such. She’s excited and sent a lovely message trying to include you. You didn’t wish to be reminded of her pregnancy and see the scan image, as it brought back painful memories not yet healed.

can I ask , how will you manage when the baby is here, I think if you will struggle with this, then it’s maybe better ti exit the group and explain you’re not yet in a position to share her joy.

I was pregnant for the first time as my dh's pa and we shared the journey together.

She then had a stillborn and I did not. I have never announced pregnancies or births as a result, her loss and my guilt for not losing mine meant I would never be so insensitive as to broadcast news that may cause another person pain.

This exactly.
In this case the message was to the group not to the OP.

(The pain is there whatever anyone else does or says. )

There are only two people in the group apart from OP so they could have just sent it to the other friend.