Friend sent a scan picture knowing I went through a miscarriage and ectopic

[Aniya]

Hi
I guess I am writing this more to get it off my chest than anything. I know there will be people who will say I am unreasonable and others on the opposite side.

So I have a small group chat with two of my friends. Yesterday one of them sent a picture of her baby scan with a cheerful "Baby bean is saying hello to aunties", although she knows I had an early miscarriage as well as an ectopic pregnancy. It really crushed my heart to see the photo and I felt it was very insensitive... I was happy for her when she announced her pregnancy and I tried to support her and listen about how bad she felt in this pregnancy etc. but considering there was only a 2-month difference between my ectopic and her baby it was still sad for me - a reminder of two really hard experiences.

I also felt really sad about her behavior as she herself had 3 blighted ovum so she knows what it means to struggle with infertility and I was hoping she would be more considerate about my own losses.

She is not my best friend though and it's not the first time she has sent some insensitive messages. Before I put up with them for the sake of the old friendship, but this time I ended up deleting a positive message they had not yet read and left it like that. A part of me feels bad about it, I guess I am a people pleaser...
Unfortunately, she is not the type of person I could talk to and explain how this made me feel to resolve this - she is very 'hyper' spiritual and she would just behave like I am on a 'lower level of spiritual development' or something like that.
I was thinking about ending this friendship but I find it hard as there are 3 of us and I really don't want to put the other friend in an uncomfortable situation.

As I said I am not sure if this is an AIBU, I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest..

So sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel.

I was sent a picture of my friends scan 2 weeks after a miscarriage. I was crushed. But I didn't let on I was upset and supported as much as I could. I did take a small step back for a few weeks.

Please look after yourself. It gets easier 💕

YABU, it’s not about you, it’s about her and finally having her pregnancy after infertility. Let her enjoy it.

Unfortunately when it comes to pregnancy there will always be women who like yourself suffer miscarriages. Having experienced an early miscarriage I know how it feels. Although I totally understand your feelings & we are all different, I delighted in seeing & hearing everything about friends successful pregnancies,especially those who had a difficult journey. It made me hopeful this would be me one day & it was. Be thankful for your friendship unless of course you know deep down there is ulterior motives in such posts in order to deliberately hurt you. Only you know this for certain but for what it's worth from what youve said in your initial post it doesn't feel like it. This is the reason I clicked on YABU. Wishing you all the very best with a future pregnancy 💐

She did tell her about the pregnancy in the normal way and the OP says she listened to her and supported her.

Which I suspect is why her friend thought she might be ok to see the scan pic.

Im sorry for your loss, i had 2 miscarriages myself. Your friend possibly didnt know what to do for the best, maybe she thought if she left you out then you would have found that upsetting. Im sure it wasnt a thoughtless post.

You’re not being unreasonable - utterly gobsmacked that anyone thinks you are. She was a thoughtless cow - spiritual my arse 🙄.

I suffered years of infertility and m/cs - those friends who understood kept pregnancy news sensitive and simple, certainly didn’t send bloody scan pics. Those can be sent to people who have been lucky enough to have sailed through their journey to parenthood - of which there are many.

I’m so sorry she can’t see that - I had multiple examples of this twattery, some friendships survived, some didn’t 🤷‍♀️

I think it’s a bit sad that your apparent best friend isn’t allowed to share the most exciting time of her life with you and you see that as a sign of your closeness.

Sorry for your losses.

I have been there, albeit before the time of smart phones and SM.

Are the two people in the group your best friend and the insensitive one? Are both the other women in the chat pregnant?

I'm not sure how to say this without sounding insensitive but its really not about you. I'm sorry you have experienced losses, however what other people do is not about you.
Its a bloody minefield being pregnant these days and not knowing with who or how you can be excited and share your news with people as it will always upset someone.

I lost an 11 month old baby sister when I was a teenager and for a long time people I knew wanted to shield me from seeing babies because they thought it would upset me, but seeing little smiling babies brought me nothing but joy and made me feel like I was seeing my baby sister smile again.
Its kind of like exposure therapy, confronting the things that make us upset or anxious and learning not to fear them or make them about us, it builds resilience.

I think I'm going against most of the grain on here, but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I'm very sorry for your losses, and I understand the pain you've been feeling but trying to hide. It's hard. I used to avoid pregnant women and people pushing new-borns on the street and if someone I knew had been as insensitive as your friend, I don't know what I might have done.

A few months after my first miscarriage, I found I'd somehow landed up on a mailing list for children's summer camps (not in the UK) and suddenly started receiving literature with photos of shiny happy children all over them. I rang up to ask to be taken off the mailing list, but I was so incoherent with anguish and rage that I don't think I made any sense at all. It's 30 years ago now and I still remember that pain. You have my sympathy.

My best friend didn’t speak to me when I was pregnant. And that was fine, I understood. She couldn’t cope. She got back in touch when she was ready and years later we’re better than we ever have been and she has gone onto have children.

Are you being unreasonable? Yeah. Are you allowed to be? Yep. If she’s a good friend will she understand? Absolutely.

Have a clear conversation. Say it’s too painful right and you think you need some time. Be gentle as she will be over excited, but be honest about how you feel. I’m sure she will understand, especially as she has been there too. You can be happy for someone and not be able to cope with their happiness at the same time. Xxx

Sadly, life goes on. You will see and hear all about other people's babies....you won't be able to avoid it.

But eventually you'll come to terms with your grief and be able to deal with it more. Things will settle down. It'll take time, but they will.

It's such a difficult one. I had my own issues and I was super sad that my best friends didn't share stuff like this with me because they thought it would upset me.

I wanted them to be normal with me so I could share their joy! My demons are my own. I would never wish to u.pact others with them.

I felt excluded because they were trying to avoid the elephant in the room.

Expectant parents can't really win can they?

I don't think they were being thoughtless or hurtful. I think they were treating you as they would any other friend. I wish mine had done so. It highlighted to me that I was probably not as close to them as I thought

I agree.

I'm sorry for your losses OP but that doesn't mean others have to tiptoe around you, especially if the friend in question has experienced losses too.

Friends don't hide their engagements if someone's just gone through a divorce, friends shouldn't hide their pregnancy news because another had a loss. The people in the world would never keep up with each other if we stop sharing news because it came after someone else's hardship.

If she hadn't have had losses maybe you'd have a point but she has and she knows the pain you're feeling.

When I lost my baby I hated the thought of people treating me differently, treading on egg shells and my friends messaging each other on 'how to break the news to Dyson'

That's far more painful than sharing a quick 'congratulations, I'm so happy for you' even though you're feeling pain.

As sad as it is, the world doesn't stop when others are grieving.

You are allowed to grieve and also be happy for your friend.

she is very 'hyper' spiritual and she would just behave like I am on a 'lower level of spiritual development' or something like that.

I'm sorry for your loss. Regardless of anything else, I think this bit I've quoted means she is a not a good friend (and kind of an ass). Don't fall out but very un-dramatically distance yourself. Archive the group chat and communicate with your other friend separately (not about this).

You are absolutely NBU. Being sad after a miscarriage, totally normal. Not wanting to be patronised by a friend, totally normal. I would distance myself based on the fact you feel you cannot talk to her openly and receive empathy anyway.

Some unpopular opinions coming right up:
Being on a lower spiritual level?! Yuck, sounds like Brad of the most recent MAFS UK series and he was essentially an emotional abuser.
Referring to babies as beans? Also yuck IMO, beans aren't cute, never understood people using this word. But it is common so hey ho.
Showing people a grainy black and white picture of ones innards (uterus)? Also yuck, the pictures aren't cute. But it's the done thing so everyone has to go 'awwww'. Weird.

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. I've suffered miscarriages myself, however in the nicest possible way I think it is unreasonable to not celebrate someone else's joy. I'm sure you'd want others to celebrate with you when your time comes. I know how hard it is, I've been there and you feel very consumed by your own grief and desire, but surely you don't want your friend to walk on eggshells around you. I just want to reiterate how sorry I am for your situation x

I have been lucky and not experienced infertility or miscarriages. So I cannot pretend to know how it feels. However, I would not send a scan photo to somebody who had recently had an ectopic. Not in a million years. I do think it is insensitive. And unnecessary.

I had this with a work colleague. I took her aside and told her separately to give her a chance to get used to the news, but she was still angry when I told other colleagues a week later because I hadn’t cleared it with her! Then I had to sit for months pretending I wasn’t getting bigger and wasn’t addicted to cinnamon buns. And then she got pregnant and it was like she was giving birth to the Messiah - she told everyone straight away so it felt like her pregnancy went on forever and had long chats with everyone every day about everything from buggys to morning sickness.

As others have said, it’s not one or the other. Her pregnancy has no impact on your chances of becoming pregnant, and it is common to have an early miscarriage or two - I had two. Yes you are being unreasonable, but I understand why - but you will highly likely become pregnant and have children, so take time if you need it, but don’t ask her to hide her excitement.

From the OP: ‘She is not my best friend though’

I think you have your facts muddled.

Yeah exactly. I was lucky enough to get pregnant with twins through IVF you better believe I made sure the scan photos were always tucked away in my bag before I walked back out through the waiting room. Till then, those scans had never shown anything but bad news.

I'm sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I had to endure my sister in laws pregnancy and birth- we were due 2 weeks apart. However I do think YABU and your pain is clouding your judgement. If you ask them not to discuss/share then they do it amongst themselves you'd likely be hurt at being left out. I don't think your friend can do anything 'right' in this situation as whatever she does would hurt you in some way. I'm sorry you're going through this x

I would not send a text like that. YANBU.

Neither of you are unreasonable. It isn’t ‘being bitter’ to not want to see scan pictures when you have suffered a miscarriage but I also don’t think your friend was purposefully insensitive to send the picture especially if you have already discussed the pregnancy she probably thinks it is ok send the pic to you.

I have recently suffered a miscarriage and the grief is awful, but I know the world won’t stop for me and I was that pregnant person years ago who was so happy to share my scan pics and talk about my babies, I didn’t give it a second thought, it’s easy to get caught up in your own world in both in grief and in happiness.

Perfectly put, sorry for your loss OP