To wonder if this is just what secondary school is like?

[Notmyusual80]

DD is 14, in year 9. She loved primary - always wanted to go in, got excited about the simplest activities/events and got involved with everything.

Now I know secondary is very, very different - more pressure (especially as she goes to a grammar), more independence expected of them etc. But I just feel like her school is slowly grinding her down.

The emphasis is on tests and perfect uniform. If someone misbehaves, they all get shouted at, all the time. In fact it feels like their approach is to assume they’re all badly behaved (even though she’s clearly not) and are hard on them all just in case, iyswim. She hasn’t bonded with any of her teachers and some of them just seem really harsh disciplinarians. She also finds a lot of the lessons uninspiring.

She’s successfully put herself forward for several roles (think school council etc) and then….nothing…there have been no activities associated with the roles she’s supposed to be doing. They’re just titles.

And so far, she’s been on two trips since year 7. That’s it. I know they need to focus on work/study but would a little fun here and there hurt? My secondary years were great fun and I still managed to do well.

She’s just not enjoying school now and doesn’t look forward to going in.

I feel like she started off an eager, proactive, enthusiastic student and they’ve totally knocked this out of her.

Is this just what secondary is like now? And if not, what can I do? There are no opportunities to give this kind of feedback and even if I did, how can I get this across without it sounding like “DD is not enjoying school and finds it boring” which is how it’s going to sound isn’t it?

Is she finding it boring because it's not challenging enough for her?

Is she finding it boring because she's not able to keep up with the work?

Secondary school has ruined my dt's too 😒. For very similar reasons, albeit not quite as bad. There is terrible inconsistency in discipline so one teacher can be an arse and tell them all off for nothing whilst others are much more laid back. They don't know where they stand tbh!
However, your school does sound, particularly awful! What's with giving them a role, but then not having anything to do within that role? That just does not make sense.
Not sure what you can do to be honest, apart from moving your DD to a different school, although how would she take that this far into secondary school?

Clearly it's neither of those reasons from what the OP has described!

It sounds like a rubbish school. Maybe you could look at different local schools/talk to other parents for a comparison?

My DD has been on two trips this school year already, so that's very school dependent. As for the rest, it sounds like she's at a strict school. Not all are like this, but behaviour at the moment is abysmal so more and more schools are having to resort to this.
I'm surprised to read your post and see it's a grammar to be honest. All the ones near us in London are super relaxed in comparison to the comps. This includes everything from uniform and amount of homework to general behaviour. The kids tend to be much easier tbh.

Look for another school, it doesn't sound like this one is a good fit for your daughter.

There is a lot more to education than discipline, and different schools focus on different aspects.

It sounds stupidly strict and the fact they don’t discipline the badly behaved children but all of them would automatically make me lose motivation

It’s not that she finds the lessons too easy - I think its the way they’re taught. They’re not really allowed to talk in some classes. And in one subject in particular, the teacher almost seems to just read off the board to them.

@Foxesandsquirrels yes, I naively thought that grammar would be a little more relaxed as I assumed that because the students have to pass the 11+ to get in, they’ve made that effort and “want” to be there. There is some bad behaviour though - like you get in every school, I suppose - but why do they have to treat all students as though they’re all as bad as each other.

She really just feels like her school doesn’t care about her at all.

I have thought about seeing if she wants to move. There’s a local comp that seems lovely - it’s not a grammar but I’m not in the least bit precious about that. I just want her to be happy and feel like she matters.

Move schools OP. It sounds rubbish 🙁

@Nothankyou22 they do discipline the badly behaved kids - but then they’ll hold an assembly where they all get shouted at for the behaviour of the naughty kids.

If you have a nice comp near you, shoot them an email and explain the situation. It's unlikely, but they may offer her a day to come see it, especially if they hear she's coming from a grammar.

It does sound rubbish, doesn’t it @XelaM - I’m glad you and other PPs agree because I’m always questioning myself and wondering if I’m just expecting too much

@Foxesandsquirrels I think I might just do that - can’t hurt to let her have a look, can it?

DD finished her A-levels this summer at a grammar school. She did well and has her preferred place at uni but didn't enjoy school which was just an exam factory at the end. The teaching wasn't great - they relied on the very involved parents who would get tutors etc if students were struggling. School council/prefect roles did come with responsibilities though.
DS is at the local comp. It's so much better for pastoral care, has a more interesting curriculum and is fantastic for revision support and extra curricular activities.
Behaviour is mixed at both.

Thanks @tulippa So sorry for your DD - so much for “the best days of your life”…

Move her, it’s a long time to be unhappy.
Happy children do better.

Give it time, OP. I bet they'll be laying down the law and 'not smiling till Christmas' so that the new intake understand they need to step up.

I'm sure things will improve as teachers relax with the new students. But grammar school is pressured - my son went to one and loved it. If your child likes a challenge and 'grown up' expectations she will settle in and begin to enjoy things soon.

We have a couple of supposedly excellent grammar schools near us and DD is very likely to be able to get a place.

At this point, we are 80% certain we will not be sending her to these schools. The pressure and focus on academics you're talking about is real. Passing the 11+ is just the first step, the pressure never stops. Take a look at the Sunday Times top schools list - as far as I can remember, pretty much every single school that isn't independent that does really well, is a grammar school.

I wold be looking into taking her out asap. A good state secondary with a diverse student base, lots of extra curricular and a decent academic program will not stop her from achieving highly in her GCSEs and A Levels.

I completely disagree with this because OP's DD is already in year 9. I think this would be true in year 7 or even year 8 where they have to settle in. But it' been long enough now that if she's not enjoying it, why should she be forced to continue?

Yes, that’s what I’m thinking @Pinkpinkplonk - it’s a long time to not look forward to going to school every day.

@CoffeeCantata yes, as @NotLactoseFree says, I do feel like she’s given it a good go!

@NotLactoseFree I wish I’d had the foresight you seem to have. Hope you get a good school for your DD.

When it comes to it though, I wonder how willing DD will be to move schools - leaving her friends, and a school she “earned” a place at will be a difficult decision. Need a good chat with her. Although I think if I just suggest visiting some other schools, with no pressure attached, it might help give her some food for thought…

@Notmyusual80 I’ve had three go to grammars!
Two left after GCSES and went to our local comp for A levels, they were both much happier.
One stayed to do A levels, miserable as sin!! Admits they should have moved and it was a mistake to stay. Grammar is definitely not right for everyone.

My DD has just started year 7 and her school is really strict too. They are not allowed any physical contact at all with other pupils. She got in trouble for hugging her friend goodbye last week. Utterly ridiculous and debating if this is the right school for her.

Can you afford to go private ?

I think it doesn't have to be like that. One well-reputed secondary school in our area we didn't like at all and didn't put on either child's list as it was just too discplinarian - it would have stressed out oldest child way too much even though, perhaps especially because, they are well behaved and hate the idea of being in trouble. I have heard numerous stories of 'good' kids finding those environments very stressful. A colleague moved his child because of that issue, so that may be the best solution for yours

Grammar isn't for everyone. I went to one and loved it -, I was very academic - but had good friends who loathed it and felt like the teachers treated them as failures and not worth bothering with if they "only" got Bs at GCSE.

Different style schools suit different people. The same with Uni.

Is it a grammar school thing then, do we think? Too focused on results to worry about general wellbeing, extra curricular activities, etc?

@mrssunshinexxx no, I couldn’t afford private. But I’m not sure that would necessarily be the answer. Just a school that makes an effort to build the kids up and give them some sort of sense that they care about them is all I really want.