Page 8 | Partner not wanting to split household bills

ForTheLoveOfFriends · 21/11/2023 11:02

I will start this by saying that I think he’s a cocklodger and I would get rid in a heartbeat. But…

If a woman posted here that she was moving in with her dp and he wanted them to go 50/50 on the bills when he has kids and she doesn’t, she would be told not to move in with him or that he was a family of 2-3-however many and she wasn’t so he was responsible for supporting his own kids and therefore she should be paying a smaller amount of the bills.

FWIW I disagree with that as well, but I do think that people need to consider these things when posting advice. Because people are often saying that a man needs to step up as a step parent, and I totally agree with that. But then those same people will also tell a stepmom that she’s not responsible for her new partner’s kids, and that it’s his kids, his problem.

LaurieStrode · 21/11/2023 11:06

Good points, @ForTheLoveOfFriends

There is a prevailing double standard here, at Mumsnet, and a lot of targeting of men's wallets.

Backagain23 · 21/11/2023 11:15

What is his suggestion for a fair split?
I don't want to be judge and jury before we know that, as PP said a woman in his position would be given different advice.
Whatever you do, don't allow him to put you in a worse financial position than if he'd stayed out. That would be such a betrayal of your child.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/11/2023 11:18

Do you get universal credit child benefit and child maintenance? After all that what is your income disparity? IF you move in together if split accordingly. Please don't have his baby until it's affordable and you've sorted this out.
If you have social or council housing please don't give it up for this guy until married

JustKen · 21/11/2023 11:24

Potential cocklodger. Run!

strawberry2017 · 21/11/2023 17:53

This is not the man for you, you need to stay put and find someone else.
You will lose money by him moving in and he clearly doesn't see your kid as part of his family. A 3 year old won't be visiting anything in terms of bills this is his way to pay less.
Run don't walk

Mamabear48 · 21/11/2023 17:54

That’s not a partnership and definitely a massive red flag. I wouldn’t move in with someone like that let alone try for a baby. Could you imagine him refusing to buy baby essentials and you’ll have to on your own that’s where it’s heading!

TrustyRusty68 · 21/11/2023 17:57

Please, please give some serious though about moving in together. Once you live together, you should be a family - not you pay for your son separately. How would that ever work? Have you talked to your friends about this? What do they think?
What will happen if you have a child together - will he only pay towards his child? Lots of red flags here - please take care.

MacarenaMacarena · 21/11/2023 18:00

Is your ex contributing to the costs? This would help you enormously. It is more his responsibility than new boyfriend's.

Moanyoldmoan · 21/11/2023 18:01

I’ve just come out of a long relationship where it was obvious my ex wasn’t going to take my children on properly. We came to a point there was no moving forwards and I had to leave. Don't stay. It can’t work

MarvellousMonsters · 21/11/2023 18:06

"I dont need his help money wise but moving in means he would need to contribute towards household bills as he will be using gas/Electricity/wifi, eating food and so on so only fair"

You will need his help financially as if he moves in with you you will lose all your Tax Credits/Universal Credit and be financially dependent on him.

Don't do this. Don't move in with him and don't have a baby with him. You and your son are a package, if he doesn't treat your child like his own, and that includes financially, he is not a good partner.

Leave. End this now.

K4tM · 21/11/2023 18:13

If you are only working 1 day per week how on Earth can you pay 50% of bills in a partnership.

You may be receiving maintenance from DCs father but presumably you are also receiving benefits as a single mum? You will lose some or all of those benefits if you move in with a partner.

Going ahead with moving in/TTC with this man in these circumstances is putting yourself and your first child in a ridiculously vulnerable position.

BlueGrey1 · 21/11/2023 18:13

I don’t like the sound of that at all, how very mean of him, does he get on well with your little boy and do you think he cares for him?

Is your little boys actual dad paying child support, maybe he thinks he should be paying his portion of the bill but even that Dosen’t bode well for your future

If this man wants you in his life he has to accept your son into his life as well and that means supporting him financially from time to time, if he is not willing to almost accept him as his own I would be reconsidering the relationship

As well as that he is being paid 4+ times more than you so it seems like he can well afford it

WTFsmh12 · 21/11/2023 18:17

As someone who is already in this situation. I pray to
you - Don’t move in with him, He will not accept your child as his own and is already telling you this , there will be no emotional support -nothing. You will essentially end up flat/house mates

Montegufoni2017 · 21/11/2023 18:20

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Thatcrazymama · 21/11/2023 18:21

Do not. Do not move in or have a child with this man !!! Ur existing child should come first . A man who gets with a mom should know her kid is her numbrr one priority. Trust me ull get plenty of good men out there .!! U dont need this sperm doner loser

Littlebitpsycho · 21/11/2023 18:23

What is HE suggesting he should be contributing, out of curiosity?

babyproblems · 21/11/2023 18:23

Jaw dropped when you said you are trying for a baby!!!! You don’t even live together and have no basis for a new baby to enter the family unit yet.
Absolutely don’t have a baby with this man who is begrudging paying A) for his OWN half and B) giving any marginal support to your existing Child. Can you not see how utterly vile that is?? How on earth will your first child grow up sharing a home with a man who clearly won’t offer them any support whatsoever. I can’t stress enough how disastrous this will be for your first child to experience. Tell him he’s not moving in unless he commits to being supportive of you AND your existing child. I don’t think he’ll ever step up op.

Over40Overdating · 21/11/2023 18:26

Why on Earth are you even posting this - as soon as your boyfriend (he is not your partner by any measure) made it clear your son will be a second class citizen for the entirety of his life whilst he is around, you should have ended things, not posted looking for confirmation that this is something you should accept.

I really hope for the sake of your son you see this man for what he is - a mean, nasty, cocklodging little scrote who is happy to use a 3 year old as a way to save himself as much of his living expenses as he can get away with.

Why is this the best you can do for a stepfather for your son or potential father for any new kids?

Scottsy200 · 21/11/2023 18:26

Please do not move in with this man 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Mycatmax · 21/11/2023 18:27

Please @mum1010219 dont move in with this man or have a child with him.

It would be a horrible situation for your DS given this nasty man’s attitude towards him.

Grrrrdarling · 21/11/2023 18:31

mum1010219 · 20/11/2023 20:29

Me and my and are moving in together, but I have a son from previous relationship but the issue isn't he doesn't want to pay 50/50 on the bills as he will in hindsight be paying for my child, I only work one day a week just now due to childcare and son only being 3 ( he starts funded place in the new year) so he makes nearly 4 times a month what I do, I was saying it will be joint household bills if we all live together?
Made me feel awful as we are trying for a baby of our own and felt like he will never seen my son as his step child, he treats him like one but saying that hurt...

@mum1010219 WALK AWAY NOW!!!!

Trommelgeroffel · 21/11/2023 18:32

Why the hell are you even thinking of moving in with this man who doesn't care about your child? Not saying that he should - other people's children aren't my cup of tea, but I wouldn't move in with a man who had young children.

As for trying for a baby with him: the mind boggles.

Focus on the child you have, and on your job. Then think about meeting a man, if you really can't bear to be without one, and introduce him to your existing child gradually. Once a good and solid relationship is established between the three of you, then you can think about moving in together. At that point, you could think about ttc.

Anything else is insanity.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 21/11/2023 18:35

Do not move in with him
He will resent your DC and this will not work
You will lose more than you gain, not least your council tax discount
I don't think trying for your own DC is a good idea in this situation, sorry

usererror99 · 21/11/2023 18:36

To be honest I agree with your boyfriend. I don't know many single mums who can afford to only work one day a week with a child.....so he sounds (and might feel like) a meal ticket...