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Original poster

Partner not wanting to split household bills

383 replies

mum1010219 · 20/11/2023 20:29

Me and my and are moving in together, but I have a son from previous relationship but the issue isn't he doesn't want to pay 50/50 on the bills as he will in hindsight be paying for my child, I only work one day a week just now due to childcare and son only being 3 ( he starts funded place in the new year) so he makes nearly 4 times a month what I do, I was saying it will be joint household bills if we all live together?
Made me feel awful as we are trying for a baby of our own and felt like he will never seen my son as his step child, he treats him like one but saying that hurt...

OP posts:
FedUpMumof10YO · 21/11/2023 05:24

The adults split the bills that's how it works.

He knows you have a child and will need to make that a consideration. As he hasnt, it's a nope.

But...why are you moving (thinking of) someone so soon ? You can't have been together that long. Sounds like son doesn't need a Stepdad.

Be grateful you found all this out now and not when it was too late. I wish I had.

Tohaveandtohold · 21/11/2023 05:27

Don’t move in with this man and consider a future without him. You’ll be so much worse off if you do and you can’t count on him stepping off. Since you only work one day a week, when he moves in with you, you’ll be considered a household and his income will be taken into account for all the benefits you receive now. You’ll find out that all the help you get with your rent, UC, single person council tax relief, etc will be gone based on his income and this man that doesn’t want to pay his own share of the bill won’t be paying your share of the bills either and you’ll be worse off. I don’t even see him looking after your child whilst you go out and work extra to cover it.
Just cut your losses now, don’t be too desperate to get trapped with this man, he’s not a partner in any way.

terraced · 21/11/2023 05:31

Alarm bells for me. Don't move in with him.

Starseeking · 21/11/2023 05:51

Do not move in with this man.

Noicant · 21/11/2023 05:58

This relationship sounds miserable. Why are you trying to have a baby with him, you haven’t even lived together yet?

I think he sees you as a way of reducing his living costs, he’ll keep his money and you’ll end up footing the bill/ work/ children/ household for him.

He’s a cocklodger, get rid, he will make you and your son (who doesn’t have any choice in the matter and who is also the most important person in this) miserable.

And also you don’t need to have a baby until your situation and relationship are completely stable. I.e. you have already lived together, he is good with your existing kid, he contributes fairly to the household in terms of financially and pulling his weight.

Currently you are on the path to some poor decisions that will make your son’s your life worse. Get off it while you still can.

MariaLuna · 21/11/2023 06:00

Surely you can do better than this?!

My son is my nr. 1. No man could come between us.

Tell him to F. off.

Everydayimhuffling · 21/11/2023 06:06

OP, he shouldn't be paying bills 50/50, he should be paying bills 80/20 to reflect your different earning levels if you are really having a family together. The fact that he is arguing over 50/50 is an incredibly bad sign. Take the red flag for what it is.

mrsdarkside · 21/11/2023 06:17

You know, there are men out there who aren’t like this, right?

This is the total opposite of the situation I was in. My now dh saw me and my son as a family, a package. He treated my child with love and respect and put him first as I did. Still does 15 years later and has never treated my 21 year old any differently to how he would have treated his own child.

Still “pays” for him as we are a family, a team there is no mine or his or splitting bills.

I would have run a mile from any man who had your boyfriends attitude.

Put your child first or you will fuck him up. Seriously, he will grow up feeling left out and rejected by his “step father” and will only blame you for it.

And what are you thinking, planning a baby with someone you don’t even live with yet?! Take your time or you will be posting again in a couple of years as a single mother of two.

QuillBill · 21/11/2023 06:28

My mother's best friend lived her whole life like this. Well, fifty years of it.

Apologising for her child's very existence. If her ds had an ice cream at the park - she had to pay for it. If the lightbulb went in his bedroom- she had to pay for it.

That's no position to put a child in.

A man who thinks like your boyfriend does is never going to change. That's who he is.

tuvamoodyson · 21/11/2023 06:33

Why do you want a baby with him?

Birdie8989 · 21/11/2023 06:38

Op what is he suggesting is a fair split? How does he suggest this will change if you had a baby together?

Peacheroo · 21/11/2023 06:38

If he moves in will you lose the benefits that enable you to work 1/2 days a week? What split does he want?

I don't think bills will be any higher having a three year old there. It's not like you're asking him to contribute to clothing/childcare etc.

If this is his attitude going in, it's only going to get worse. He will always be looking out for himself and you and your boy won't be first/prioritised.

mrsdarkside · 21/11/2023 06:38

@QuillBill it honestly baffles me that there are women who would put being with a man before their child.

Christ, even my inlaws treated ds exactly the same as thier other grandchildren from the day they first met him. He turned 21 in the summer and they took him on holiday for two weeks!

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/11/2023 06:42

Are you going to lose out on benefits if you move in with him?

Chipsahoyagain · 21/11/2023 06:46

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 20/11/2023 20:38

Stop trying for a baby!!! Why on earth are you trying when you aren't yet living together? This is wayyyy too fast.

This! Why do some women do this selfish thing to their existing child. If after knowing this and you actually have a good measure of him, I would really judge you as a bad mum and a selfish one if you move in with him. He's clearly telling you your child is your problem! And how do you think he will treat your. Ds if you have a new baby?? Wake up.

Timspam · 21/11/2023 06:47

Speaking as a man, if I'd committed to move in with a partner, her child would be my child.

Chipsahoyagain · 21/11/2023 06:47

MariaLuna · 21/11/2023 06:00

Surely you can do better than this?!

My son is my nr. 1. No man could come between us.

Tell him to F. off.

Unfortunately not every mother feels this way and her needs come first .

Mrsm010918 · 21/11/2023 06:51

Oh OP, you've had all the advice that you need upthread but just want to give my 2 cents of experience.

I'm divorced but have a new partner who I now have living with me and my daughter and we have a baby together. From the beginning he knew that me and my daughter were a package and he set to work making himself a part of that package and taking on a relationship and responsibility, not viewing my daughter as an inconvenience or additional expense that was my problem only.

You need a man who will step up to the plate for both of you. If you want to be a family then your money needs to be pooled as a family without discriminating about what is spent on who - particularly when it comes to children.

I suggest you stop trying for a baby and have a frank conversation about finances and how it would work if he moved in. As PPs have mentioned also consider that his income may lose your entitlement to benefits so that would be something to take into consideration

DNLove · 21/11/2023 07:02

How exactly do you plan on keeping food for your son separate? If you're making dinner do you do a different meal for your son from his food? If your son asks for a banana and there's some in the fruit bowl will you say no honey, they're DP's bananas, you can't have one cause you have none left?

You DP has no love or affection for your son, do not proceed with moving in or TTC at this point. I would end the relationship or at least defer it for at least a year to you see how his relationship with your son develops.
Picture a few years down the line, you've a 14 and 10 year old, both kids want a bike for Christmas. DP buys top of range for his 10 year old, 14 year old gets much cheaper bike cause that's all you can afford after buying a 14 year olds food and paying for back to school. All while DP has decided he'll fund his 10 year old to go to a fee paying school.
Your son will hate your DP, be jealous of his brother, resent you, the rows in the house will be off the scale and your DP will tell you your son is the problem and pressure you to pick him or your son.
It will all come back to this decision point.

QuillBill · 21/11/2023 07:11

@QuillBill it honestly baffles me that there are women who would put being with a man before their child.

I know, even as a child with no idea of the back story I could see if was a terrible situation. I think he just made her feel financially vulnerable.

When he died he left the house to his estranged biological child just so his wife of over fifty years and her son could not benefit. As it happens, the other son just told her to keep living in the house. But what a terrible situation.

Lulooo · 21/11/2023 08:55

You and your child come as a package. If he wants you, he has to fully commit to your child too. If you’re going to have a baby with him then this is now your new blended family and you are all one family unit. This is how your should live and how your finances should be managed otherwise they’ll always be a rift.

If your husband earns 4 times more than you then he should also pay 4x more towards the household expenses if you move in together. If the tables were turned and he was the stay at home parent and you were the working one, then it should be the same. Being part of one family means you look after each other financially too.

toddlermam · 21/11/2023 10:34

wtf. He clearly doesn't see you as a family unit. My partner pays for so much for my son (more than me, since he's a higher income).

Do not have a baby with a man who is quite clearly going to treat your son so differently to the baby

NotLactoseFree · 21/11/2023 10:42

The 50/50 split in itself is irrelevant. My basic rule of thumb for moving in together is that BOTH parties should be financially AND emotionally better off. So, if he's moving in, and you're losing out on benefits, council tax discounts etc, then the reality is that he has to make up that shortfall as otherwise you're WORSE off with him moving in.

The other consideration is who is general generosity of spirit. It's hard to get my head around someone who is earning significantly more than you not wanting to help you out to make your life easier.

HappyStep1 · 21/11/2023 10:51

This is what being a step is, you support the family as a whole, not pick and choose.

I'm with all PP, this one is not a keeper.

Testina · 21/11/2023 10:53

FGS restart your contraception (or better still, dump him).