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Original poster

Partner not wanting to split household bills

383 replies

mum1010219 · 20/11/2023 20:29

Me and my and are moving in together, but I have a son from previous relationship but the issue isn't he doesn't want to pay 50/50 on the bills as he will in hindsight be paying for my child, I only work one day a week just now due to childcare and son only being 3 ( he starts funded place in the new year) so he makes nearly 4 times a month what I do, I was saying it will be joint household bills if we all live together?
Made me feel awful as we are trying for a baby of our own and felt like he will never seen my son as his step child, he treats him like one but saying that hurt...

OP posts:
Appleass · 21/11/2023 19:37

Is this a joke, he clearly is complete and utter Tw at. He should not be anywhere near your child if he is worried he has to pay for anything that may benefit the poor lamb. What a selfish and utter prick !

Seas164 · 21/11/2023 19:38

Protect and prioritise your child. He won't.

Manthide · 21/11/2023 19:39

Tinkerbyebye · 20/11/2023 21:14

Do not move in with him and do not have a child with him

how much electric, gas,water etc does he think a three year old will use? Practically none as it’s you. Then add in his chargers, his extra lighting/heating if he gets up earlier, extra cooking, extra food for him etc and it will be 50/50ish

he will always treat your child differently and he is showing you true colours.

In my experience men eat much more than women so I imagine his part of the food bills will be more than that of a woman and a 3 year old.

MrsDotCotton · 21/11/2023 19:40

AfraidToRun · 21/11/2023 19:01

Marry him first (I bet he wont) ot even better find a better man.

or alternatively use the time to study and get some qualifications and a better job? Aim to improve life without a man for herself and child?

Firefly2009 · 21/11/2023 19:42

Haydenn · 21/11/2023 19:03

It said he doesn’t want to go 50:50 based on 2 individuals versus 1; not that he doesn’t want to pay anything?

Show quote history

Oh okay, I see.

If I were you OP, I would make sure he gets really clear and open about the logic behind what he is proposing.

Eg:

Is it (only) that he thinks your son is going to be contributing to a certain cost of the bills? If so, then how do you both calculate what additional percentage you pay for your sons share of the bills? I mean, how much more gas and electric will a 3 year old use? Has your BF given you a figure yet and if so, what is it?

You came in here for advice presumably. What were you expecting or hoping for? What will you do? Pay 60/40, have a baby then renegotiate the figure? Since your BF is getting all mathematical on you, what calculations would you both agree on which you both think are fair?

You haven’t made this clear. How much have you discussed it?

Seas164 · 21/11/2023 19:42

This is less to do with finance and more to do with the hellscape that you're signing your existing child up for for the rest of his childhood with this man.

Why are you trying to have a baby with a man who is showing you that he is incapable of showing care and empathy and being in a functioning family unit?

You need to give your head a wobble.

Cedar13 · 21/11/2023 19:45

Seriously reconsider!

cmaalofshit · 21/11/2023 19:54

Made me feel awful as we are trying for a baby of our own

For the love of God stop trying for a baby. What the fuck? You aren't even living together.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh but this is absolutely ridiculous.
How long have you been together if your son from a previous relationship is 3?
You barely know this bloke. You haven't lived together. And you are trying for a baby with him.

And apart from that he's a selfish fuck.
I don't see why he should pay for your child's clothing and so on and so forth but bills and rent should be split 50:50. It would be different if you had an adult child or nearly adult who was using lots more water and electricity than a 3 year old.
But the very fact you are wanting to start a family with him and he's talking like this already about your child should tell you all you need to know about him.

But sadly, I fear you'll end up pregnant, he'll not move in and you'll be left bringing up two children on your own and the selfish fuck will be hiding as much of his income as possible to reduce the CM

ALJT · 21/11/2023 19:56

He clearly does not see your child as part of his family now or in the future. I wouldn’t stay with him never mind move in with him

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 21/11/2023 19:59

I wouldn't be moving in with him.

RantyAnty · 21/11/2023 20:14

Of course don't move this cocklodger in.

With a 3 year old, you can't have known him very long.

Coconutts · 21/11/2023 20:25

@mum1010219 I've just moved in with my partner and my two DC. We have a joint account that we both pay into for bills, split according to income. We have a separate account for our own fun money (equal amounts each) and any other money goes into joint savings. We are partnership and it's 'our' money.

This guy is not for you honey. Throw this one back. You will regret it in the long run

Bluewater1 · 21/11/2023 20:31

Run. Run as fast as you can

Haydenn · 21/11/2023 21:23

Coconutts · 21/11/2023 20:25

@mum1010219 I've just moved in with my partner and my two DC. We have a joint account that we both pay into for bills, split according to income. We have a separate account for our own fun money (equal amounts each) and any other money goes into joint savings. We are partnership and it's 'our' money.

This guy is not for you honey. Throw this one back. You will regret it in the long run

Can I ask for a ballpark on your incomes though. OP here is earning significantly less here with greater liabilities. If her chap moved in he would start picking up 80% of her her living expenses overnight- which is a major change.

most people try out living together before making a life commitment. They aren’t married, based on her child’s age haven’t been together very long at all. By your logic any new partner picking up 80% of expenses is a big reach as a first step

Katej82 · 21/11/2023 21:39

Over40Overdating · 21/11/2023 18:26

Why on Earth are you even posting this - as soon as your boyfriend (he is not your partner by any measure) made it clear your son will be a second class citizen for the entirety of his life whilst he is around, you should have ended things, not posted looking for confirmation that this is something you should accept.

I really hope for the sake of your son you see this man for what he is - a mean, nasty, cocklodging little scrote who is happy to use a 3 year old as a way to save himself as much of his living expenses as he can get away with.

Why is this the best you can do for a stepfather for your son or potential father for any new kids?

This 💯👍

Sto123 · 21/11/2023 22:33

Don't even go there honestly! My man moved in with me when I had 2 kids! Took over the rent and bills took them on as his own while they were little. He didn't want kids of his own. We did end up having one eventually but even now he treats them all equally, and we've now split up but he takes them all on holiday/ days out together spends the same amount etc etc

Katej82 · 21/11/2023 22:39

Sto123 · 21/11/2023 22:33

Don't even go there honestly! My man moved in with me when I had 2 kids! Took over the rent and bills took them on as his own while they were little. He didn't want kids of his own. We did end up having one eventually but even now he treats them all equally, and we've now split up but he takes them all on holiday/ days out together spends the same amount etc etc

Wow what a guy! Good on him and you co parenting so well.

Over40Overdating · 21/11/2023 22:41

@Sto123 He sounds like a very decent guy and that’s how it should be with kids.

Tryingmybestadhd · 22/11/2023 00:21

He should be paying 75% and you paying 25% according to those wages . Please do not move in together , he is not a nice partner . I earn more than hubby and pay more than him as I would hate him having no money left the same way I have . He is not ready to be a partner , in a household all should be fair

MMCQ · 22/11/2023 01:25

Why should any step parent expect to pay for you to be off work 4 days of the week exactly? Each parent should pay their share. If you have a child you get money for them from that child’s other parent. You are 2 people and your current partner is 1. When you have a child together the ratio changes. You should contribute 2.5 to his 1.5 and so on. Your child may be small now but when he’s a teenager every costs huge amounts and why should the step parent find their holidays, clothes, books, trips, lunches, uniform, school clubs and sports etc.

Londonscallingme · 22/11/2023 01:28

Don’t move in with him.

kushty · 22/11/2023 01:48

It's pretty clear she has no intention of dumping him. He'll move in. They'll have a kid. It'll be the golden child to him. He'll want her kid out the house ASAP and treat him as lesser. Probably any teenage angst and He'll want to sling him out. Your son will likely resent his sibling through no fault of their own and likely go low or no contact with you for allowing it to happen. What a lovely future... harsh? yes. Fair? Yes. You need to give yourself a bloody good shake for the potential future you're creating for your son for the sake of some dick.

S251 · 22/11/2023 05:04

Massive red flag. Do not move in with man, he will not treat your child nicely. Also if do have children together the way he treats your child will become even worse. Also why are you trying for a baby with a man you don’t live with? Would it not have been sensible to live together first to make sure this works first. (He has shown you it clearly it won’t)

S251 · 22/11/2023 05:10

kushty · Today 01:48

It's pretty clear she has no intention of dumping him. He'll move in. They'll have a kid. It'll be the golden child to him. He'll want her kid out the house ASAP and treat him as lesser. Probably any teenage angst and He'll want to sling him out. Your son will likely resent his sibling through no fault of their own and likely go low or no contact with you for allowing it to happen. What a lovely future... harsh? yes. Fair? Yes. You need to give yourself a bloody good shake for the potential future you're creating for your son for the sake of some dick.

This happened to me as a child, my mum was married to the man and they eventually divorced but not until years of bullying and making my life a living misery. Its lead to many issues with my mum and mental health struggles.

NewStart2131 · 22/11/2023 06:28

If he earns 4 times more than you then bills should be split according to that, so he should be paying more than 50% anyway.

Once you move in with him your benefits will dramatically reduce or worst case stop all together if you earn over the threshold as a couple. If your benefits stop there’s a risk that you wouldn’t be able to afford 50% of the bills or be left with absolutely nothing once you do

I think his attitude is disgusting, your child is a 3 year old little person, he’s not going to be increasing the bills by that much at all. I can understand him not wanting to pay towards the childcare fees or something but do not agree to pay more than 50% of the bills because he is completely taking advantage with that.

You are trying for a baby with this man, I think you need to have some hard conversations before you continue with that, for example is he going to support you while you’re on a reduced maternity leave wage? If not you’re going to be left skint, in debt and unable to afford the basics.

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