AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

[JustKeepSwimmingAlong]

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

9 is too old for female changing room.

@Robinni

My son is autistic. I don’t need educated. The OP does because her “solution” isn’t a solution. And please stop calling my son, and others, “autistics”.

Good point!

And what proportion are disabled women who actually don't want their disabilities used as a gotcha to argue for giving up their single sex facilities?

@Robinni
Have you considered the impact on autistic girls and women in what was meant to be a single sex space?

Oh never mind girls and women with neurodivergence! Boys always come first!

I'm not a teenage girl and I don't want to be forced to change in front of males who are hitting puberty, thanks.

The needs of your son are important, but you cannot think its reasonable to prioritise them over the needs and rights of all females to have a protected changing space.

A quick question? What about women and girls who cannot share spaces with boys due to religion or past abuse? Should they just stay home or not swim so that disabled boys can use the space allocated to them? I’m a wheelchair user with 2 autistic daughters, one of which would have a meltdown if forced to get changed with a boy of 9/10. Let me guess, she should use a toilet cubicle, wait for him to be finished or put up with the anxiety rather than inconvenience the boy?

Completely agree. As a disabled woman (who finds it very hard to stand for more than a few minutes without pain and rapid loss of mobility), I would without thinking let a parent of any child showing signs of struggling with waiting go ahead of me in any queuing situation.
But women’s spaces for males? No.

There’s a couple of points getting ignored by certain posters here. Firstly, disabled women are also protected by female only spaces, because we’re women too, and some of us have added vulnerability to deal with.

Secondly, teaching boys that it’s acceptable to invade women’s spaces is a huge problem. One day they will be bigger and stronger, and without boundaries around women. As for telling teenage girls that they have no right to boundaries when they are undressing, I’m sickened.

Secondly, teaching boys that it’s acceptable to invade women’s spaces is a huge problem. One day they will be bigger and stronger, and without boundaries around women. As for telling teenage girls that they have no right to boundaries when they are undressing, I’m sickened.

Exactly! And teaching OP’s own daughter to ignore discomfort she may have around her own bodily boundaries because a male has to be prioritised.

I second this! As an Autistic woman with an Autistic daughter, this constant mention of the "autistics" is giving me the rage.

It's being done on purpose, I'm fairly sure of that as it's been shoe horned in to their almost every post.

Secondly, teaching boys that it’s acceptable to invade women’s spaces is a huge problem. One day they will be bigger and stronger, and without boundaries around women. As for telling teenage girls that they have no right to boundaries when they are undressing, I’m sickened.*

i think this is such a key point, and given how vulnerable disability can make many makes it is vital these boundaries are clear and enforced from pre puberty to protect them as much as to protect women. When they get older it is so easy for their behaviour to be misconstrued if they haven’t had those boundaries reinforced (often over and over and over again!)

ds is 14 now. I know he poses no more risk to anyone now that he did when he was younger. He is naïve to the point I worry about the risk it may put him in. But others don’t know that. He knows he doesn’t go into any female only spaces because I reinforced that boundaries from about the age of 6. We use the disabled facilties or we don’t go (I check online before going somewhere new, I’m not giving money to places that don’t cater for us!). This protects him and it means women aren’t made to feel uncomfy.

The accessible rooms should be just that.

A 9/10/12/12/13/14 year old girl isn’t going to care if this male child has autism or not.

Just that there is a boy in there who will see her changing when he shouldn’t be in there and she shouldn’t have to be uncomfortable or put off sports or swimming or whatever to be kind or be nice to a boy.

The child and his mother should use the cubicles designated for their use.

If there are not enough take that up with the pool/sports centre. Get adjustments made, that may mean leaving slightly before or after lesson finish when they won’t be as busy but none of those adjustments should be telling young girls and women stfu and be kind deal with it.

It’s not about thinking young boys are a threat, it’s about not feeling comfortable being naked around pubescent boys, I certainly wouldn’t want to be naked around 9/10 year old boys, I don’t think that’s unreasonable, I don’t think most men or teenage boys would want to be naked around girls that age either. OP should have waited for a family cubicle.

What don’t you understand here. A 8/9/10/11/12 year old girl should not have to be naked in front of a peer, in front of an 8/9/10/11/12 year old boy. And it keeps going right up the ages. Woman and girls should not have to be naked in front of a boy. Not in a female only space. Everything else is a red herring. The disability actually doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change the very simple fact and woman and girls should not have to be naked in front of a boy or man in a female only space.

There are other spaces for this boy and his mum. There are other spaces for you and your son. You should not be in a female group change with a boy of this age. Period.

Has anyone said it is comparable? I haven’t seen any such comment. Sadly it seems due to your inappropriate childhood experiences your boundary threshold on this topic is extremely low and that obviously influences your view on this, but that isn’t the case for most people.

Surely personal preference? I'm an autistic and live in a house with 4 other autistics. We're all happy calling ourselves autistics. I can't see the difference between a person with autism and an autistic (person).

It may define you as a whole person. It doesn’t define my son as a whole person.

As the mother of an autistic girl I'm interested in this too.

Because I know exactly what would happen if DD were to encounter a boy older than she would expect in a female changing room. She'd be anxious that it would happen every time and would refuse to go in there again.

But as long as the boys can carry on swimming eh.

My position is that we cannot take away female only spaces in the name of inclusion, because that ISN'T actually inclusion.

Don't gaslight her. She is exactly right.

You and a bunch of other posters are marching to the thread to repeat the same TERF logic that you use for your trans threads.

Whatever but you have scooped up small and SEN male children in your net too and your lack of nuance is shameful.

FWIW as in my earlier posts I agree that the OP should now stop using the female group changing rooms. It doesn't give people the right to berate and demonise mothers (every piece in the world is aimed at us it seems) for making different judgements to what we might have made.

She is posting and worrying that she has caused upset and wanted the opinion of other parents. She is clearly not here to kick off about the audacity of someone challenging her right and her son's entitlement to use the changing room. She was here for advice over how other parents may perceive the situation.

My autistic 10 year old daughter would not be able to get changed in front of a 9 yo boy.

So what do we do now?

Please don't tell me what you 'understand' (aka assume) my stance to be based on.

A male never takes priority in a female only space.

It may define you as a whole person. It doesn’t define my son as a whole person.

As I said; personal preference.

You're either defined as an autistic or not.

@Thedm