Are some kids really just easier

[NewEms]

I recently found out that I’m pregnant, I don’t have much experience with kids, only child so no siblings/nieces/nephews. The only kids in my life are those of my two closest friends.
Friend A has a daughter, I lived with her for 6 months when her daughter was 2 and her daughter seemed … easy. She liked lots of different foods, potty trained super easy (I was there), wasn’t a screamer, didn’t really run away. I don’t remember friend A ever really complaining, I remember her being exhausted from sleepless nights but her daughter was sleeping through by about 5/6 months. I know she had her husband, great maternity package at work, a cleaner etc, but really she never seemed stressed by parenting. Her daughter is 4 now, settled into school well, sleeps through all that.
Friend B has a son, he’s never been an easy kid, didn’t sleep through until over a year, always always screamed, was a runner as a toddler, very picky eater, tantrums a lot. Never lived with them but in the short time I spend with them he’s chaos. He’s 5 now and in school and friend was mentioning that he doesn’t listen well, used to bite other kids etc. She also has a cleaner, supportive husband and the such but has never seemed like she enjoys parenting. Friend A doesn’t have family near by but both she and her husband both seem to still have good social life’s (babysitters).

Now I’m 8 weeks pregnant, not planned. My partner is supportive and we have good jobs, when I think about “could I handle a kid” I think I could handle friend As kid, the good times seem to outweigh the bad and she seems to enjoy parenting. I’m not sure I could handle friend Bs she never seems happy anymore, and while I know she loves her son I don’t know she puts up with parenting as he seems like a lot of work. She also hasn’t really come out much since having her son, doesn’t trust non-related babysitters so has to be family. (Side question - should you trust non related babysitters? Or only family?)

Is it really just luck if you have an easy or difficult kid or is it more parenting related? AIBU to feel tempted to terminate this pregnancy just because I’m not sure I could handle a more difficult child or a child with additional needs (not that I wouldn’t love them, I would I just don’t know if I’d have the patience/temperament)?

Of course.

It's the luck of the draw

Babies are people too, and have their own personality, likes, etc

It’s just luck!

I have one easy one and decided to stop at one, partly for that reason!

It's the luck of the draw and has little to do with parenting.

One of mine was frightful as a baby, one was a dream. So personailty comes in to it. But so does parenting style, so does mother's mental health and the degree of stress she's under. So do all sorts of external goings-on (Covid for example).

But you have greater tolerance for your own child than you would have for other people's, which makes it easier than it would otherwise be.

Yes, it’s just luck.

I have 5 DC and they’re all vastly different people, like any human beings! Totally different temperaments.

Just ask anyone with 2+ kids. They are all completely different.

It's luck, plus a bit of genetics. Parenting can make things better or worse, but personality happens and there's bugger all you can do about it.

Sleep has a lot to do with it! If you get enough sleep, you cope better.
Then there are things like reflux and dairy intolerance which many babies suffer with for ages before it gets picked up.

Personality of baby and mother plays a huge part and the support mother gets too.

Some of it is nature and a child's disposition.

Some of it is parents finding what works for their baby so they have an easier time than a parent who is set on doing it Parent's Way even if what baby needs is something else (eg Baby is one that really needs a schedule but Parent is determined to be free flowing, or Baby really needs contact but Parent insists that they're not babywearing or contact napping) Neither baby in that example is "easier" or "harder" but the parents who respond to their child as a unique human probably find it easier overall than the ones who stubbornly try to score points against their baby.

Some of it is nurture, parenting and environment. (Eg the parents who put themselves as children's entertainer from day 1 & never support their younger children to play independently shouldn't be surprised if they have a 6 year old who is bored easily and won't play / the parents who hand their child a device every time the child is bored or they're out and about shouldn't be surprised that the child doesn't develop skills for sitting in public)

Yes.

It's luck. I have two with two very different personalities. They also change as they age.

Child 1 was Satan's screaming baby from hell. Child 2 was the calmest baby known to man. Child 1 was chilled toddler. Child 2 was typical tantruming toddler. Child 1 really struggled when first at school (is now confirmed autistic). Child 2 has always loved school. Child 1 prefers reading and more artistic types of hobbies. Child 2 wants to be a You tuber when he grows up and film himself going down Snowdon in a shopping trolley.

You get what you're given and make do with what you've got.

I didn’t expect all kids to be the same, more just are some intrinsically ‘good’ and others ‘naughty’ - in a way that parenting can’t balance. I’m finding it all quite overwhelming, I don’t know If I would be a good parent to a child who was very picky, screamed a lot, didn’t sleep through etc, ran away when out, generally defiant and the such, not that I wouldn’t love them just I’d get overwhelmed, lose patience. Maybe I’m just not cut out to be a mum!!

I also have five. First one - easy baby, sweet child, dreadful teenager, now a really lovely adult. Second one - truly awful baby, difficult child, lovely teenager, great if somewhat distant adult. Third - lovely baby, from thereon until University an absolute nightmare, now a very high achieving adult. Fourth - difficult baby and child, terrific teenager, wonderful adult. Fifth - to be honest I don't remember but she's nice now...

I basically had kid A and kid b as you describe, as twins. If you parent a kid B type kid sensitively and try to see the world from their point of view they can end up being very loving and rewarding. That's been my experience anyway. Your relationship with them comes out of the struggling together.

I mean, it’s not like parenting plays zero role.

Kids with good, loving boundaries and high expectations for behaviour, whose positive (as opposed to negative/naughty) behaviour is rewarded with attention will clearly be more enjoyable to be around than kids left to run feral. Nurture 100% comes into it.

But yes, like adults, children very much have their own personalities - nature plays a hugely significant role as well.

Some children are risk takers. Other children don’t like to get into trouble and are compliant.

Obviously some children are easier to parent than others.

That doesn’t necessarily mean the other sort of children aren’t rewarding in other ways.

But of course it’s a risk - and many parents, being honest, will say that life is much harder and less enjoyable with a harder to parent child. Add high needs into it, and it can be soul destroying.

Of course. One of my children has always been much easier than the other. Identical upbringing. It's just their natures.

Complete luck and no rhyme or reason. My 'easy baby' has struggles at school and we are now looking into some formal testing for ADHD/ autism. That being said for us it's not awful but at school a challenge. My youngest much more challenging baby but easier toddler and already can sit better/ focus than older sibling. It's just luck and not always clear what you are going to have. I love both mine though and wouldn't change them and enjoy parenting them both and would have more of DH was up for it!!

I think its mostly luck of the draw but obviously parenting does play a part. My sister in law had 2 very different children. Parented the same mostly although she was obviously more experienced second time.

Pretty much sums it up.

Aww bless, I’ve got 5 and yes some were easier than others, absolutely. Yes parenting makes a difference and not sure I could have coped with my last 2 without the experience I had gained along the way. Support helps a lot too. What helps the most is the overwhelming love you feel for you DC, it’s not something I can really describe but it carries you through an awful lot. At the end of it all they all have things you love about them along with the challenges

You learn to become more patient because you don't want to fuck your kids up TBH. I have tapped into hidden layers of patience I didn't know I was capable of after having kids.

But I do also treat them differently because they are my own. I still internally lose my shit at other people's kids all the time.

I think it's probably a bit of both - parenting is part of it, but also some kids are much easier than others. Much like some adults are easier than others.

Also, an easy baby doesn't mean they'll always be easy. My sister was a positively angelic baby/toddler, but a very, very difficult teenager. She's also a difficult adult, to be honest.

Yeah, I had easy chilled first boy who has high emotional intelligence and just wants to please. Though as he gets older is questioning more and pushing boundaries.
Then I have a second boy who has been full of rage from the day he was born, stubborn and prone to full-blown meltdowns for seemingly tiny reasons. He gets a little easier every day as he is learning to regulate since starting school.

Both parented the same, just inherently different natures. Both sweet and kind and funny, high energy and smart. Light of my life, both of them. 😊

My opinion isn’t going to be popular - but in my opinion and experience parents tend to create children in their own image. Babies pick up on things like anxiety and this can seriously impact behaviour in the early years. Also as they get older, kids who with parents they don’t like may become quieter at home & start socialising out of the house more. Imo a child who is comfortable enough to express their emotions - positive and negative - with their parent has had a good childhood - and that is what you should aim for. Do this by being a responsive parent and teaching independance

Yes but they change at different ages and stages. My clingy needy screaming baby became a headstrong shouty toddler, then a goodie two shoes in primary.
Now in her teens she is so easy to get on with and never makes a drama, makes good choices and doesn't just follow the crowd. The teens have been the easiest with her.
Her sister is following the opposite track. Just now is challenging but I keep repeating it is just a phase.