Are some kids really just easier

[NewEms]

I recently found out that I’m pregnant, I don’t have much experience with kids, only child so no siblings/nieces/nephews. The only kids in my life are those of my two closest friends.
Friend A has a daughter, I lived with her for 6 months when her daughter was 2 and her daughter seemed … easy. She liked lots of different foods, potty trained super easy (I was there), wasn’t a screamer, didn’t really run away. I don’t remember friend A ever really complaining, I remember her being exhausted from sleepless nights but her daughter was sleeping through by about 5/6 months. I know she had her husband, great maternity package at work, a cleaner etc, but really she never seemed stressed by parenting. Her daughter is 4 now, settled into school well, sleeps through all that.
Friend B has a son, he’s never been an easy kid, didn’t sleep through until over a year, always always screamed, was a runner as a toddler, very picky eater, tantrums a lot. Never lived with them but in the short time I spend with them he’s chaos. He’s 5 now and in school and friend was mentioning that he doesn’t listen well, used to bite other kids etc. She also has a cleaner, supportive husband and the such but has never seemed like she enjoys parenting. Friend A doesn’t have family near by but both she and her husband both seem to still have good social life’s (babysitters).

Now I’m 8 weeks pregnant, not planned. My partner is supportive and we have good jobs, when I think about “could I handle a kid” I think I could handle friend As kid, the good times seem to outweigh the bad and she seems to enjoy parenting. I’m not sure I could handle friend Bs she never seems happy anymore, and while I know she loves her son I don’t know she puts up with parenting as he seems like a lot of work. She also hasn’t really come out much since having her son, doesn’t trust non-related babysitters so has to be family. (Side question - should you trust non related babysitters? Or only family?)

Is it really just luck if you have an easy or difficult kid or is it more parenting related? AIBU to feel tempted to terminate this pregnancy just because I’m not sure I could handle a more difficult child or a child with additional needs (not that I wouldn’t love them, I would I just don’t know if I’d have the patience/temperament)?

Definitely all swings and roundabouts really...
My DDs were easy and happy... but as teenager girls really hard work.
DS was loving, cute but a real runner and absolutely into everything as a toddler. But now he's one of those teenagers that you actually want ti hang out with because he's just so nice!

As for sleep and food... all totally different.

They've all managed to be kind and teachers say lovely things about them.

Anyone who has more than one child knows that of course they are all different

Obviously parenting plays a role but it doesn't change fundamental personality. Do you have siblings?

I think as a first time parent get as much support as you need, the behaviour of my first drove me up the wall, the tantrums, meltdowns etc, by number 5 it was so much easier as my expectations were so much more realistic and obviously a whole took kit of strategies and a lot more efficient in what I spend my energy on (e.g no elaborate meals or messy play but things that actually affect my child’s happiness’s and wellbeing are top priority so I will drag us out to the park of a weekend) no guilt about booking on extra childcare so I can get a break and recharge my batteries. The result happy mum and happier child

It is part parenting and part luck. I was a very unhappy baby/child/teenager and have got anxiety, depression and probably ADHD although no formal diagnosis. My parents were brilliant but I was very challenging.
DD was an angel baby, was a bit challenging as a toddler but overall delightful. Her default setting is to be happy and although I do give myself some credit I know in reality that it is mainly her nature.
However I have really tried to always be present in her life, set very strong boundaries for what is acceptable/unacceptable and there are consequences for poor behaviour. I make time to talk about her interests, friends etc and so far we have a very close relationship but it is a mother/daughter relationship not a best friend relationship as I'm not here to be her best friend.
The caveat to all this is that she is now 12 so it may all go to hell in a handcraft any day now!

They are all different and definitely some are easier than others. Of course there are some parenting strategies that can make things easier or harder, but I always try not to judge as I do think having a more difficult child can make effective parenting more difficult! Plus some kids will be hard work however good the parents are.

My son was a very difficult baby (reflux, never ever ever slept, couldn’t be put down). First year was so difficult, every day.

He is now the world’s easiest three year old. Has literally never thrown a tantrum in his life, is calm and cheerful, polite, funny, clever. Plays on his own for ages, loves to cuddle up and be read to, does what he’s told, expresses himself brilliantly, eats everything, sleeps through, plays nicely with other kids.

I think I’m a good parent and I do all the ‘right’ things - enforce consistent boundaries while respecting his feelings and following the principles of gentle parenting - but mostly I think I just got lucky with his nature. His personality just makes him wonderful and easy to get along with.

Bad parenting can clearly lead to children who struggle with discipline and behaviour, but temperament has a lot to do with it too - even the best parents can have a highly sensitive child who struggles with conventional good behaviour.

Please try to avoid labels like easy = good and difficult = bad. That puts a value judgment on behavior which is unhelpful.

An easy going personalility may 'good' from the parents' perspective for a baby but being too laid back may hold it back when it is an adult.

Yes, they are all different and they change throughout their lives.

I’ve got 3 adult children. All brought up the same, all did the same sporting activities, all did really well at school, all went to university.
All three are completely different so I think it’s down to personality.
Luck of the draw!

I wouldn’t describe kids as “good” or naughty”, but yes naturally kids are all individuals and have their own varying needs and personalities.

obviously parenting and home life make a difference to a child’s behaviour but sometimes even with great parenting and a fab home life things can be difficult. Sometimes it’s the parent/child dynamic that just works or doesn’t. for example - I cope well with my son, he likes down time, can sit still and engage in Deep conversation and games for a longtime and isn’t too loud. I struggle with my DD who is very loud, hates staying still,
wants to socialise constantly and won’t stop moving. There’s nothing wrong or naughty about her, she just has her own personality and it’s very different to mine.

You do have to kind of be prepared to manage whatever might come your way.

Bear in mind some children have SEN and learning difficulties which make their way in life harder. They may be trickier as babies and they are not 'bad'.

Parents also have different temperaments and personalities and may 'click' with some of their children and less with others which they struggle to 'get'. The other parent might be understanding.

Parenting makes a difference but only if you're prepared to implement some of the more 'traditional' parenting style.
That is, sleep training, consequences, no bed sharing / wearing, etc etc.

I'd say you see a much smaller proportion of kid B in say China or Japan, and it's not genetics that's the difference.

It’s luck but it’s also all phases. It’s why seasoned parents know ‘this too will pass’ about pretty much everything annoying.

I know someone who had a dreamboat of a baby and so naturally had a second in quick succession. No sooner had the baby arrived than the first woke up from the sleepy baby stage and all hell broke loose! It’s all a phase…

For all we know, the lovely placid little girl might be a lazy teen who has to be pushed every step of the way and doesn’t have much get up and go. Or maybe she’s highly motivated and they really did get lucky! Nobody knows :)

Of course some kids are easier?! That’s a given. I have a severely autistic child who is anything but easy

It's luck of the draw plus the calm approach of the parents.

My ds was a mix. Breast fed so generally wanted to feed to sleep, but was never difficult overnight because I managed to feed while still almost asleep, so it didn't feel too tough.

He was never a screamer, was generally happy but by 11 months he was climbing stairs on his own, and an accomplished escape artist. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He couldn't wait to get to school. 😊

Why a given, why would I - someone with no experience of children know that? I asked because I didn’t know!!

To be fair, the answer is pretty self-evident. It does not take much to figure it out unless you live in a total vaccuum.

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Don’t need to have kids to figure it out

It's a tough one, OP.

You do tend to have unconditional love for your baby (at some point, if not immediately), so that does help with the way you view them.

But I guess taking it for granted that your life will change, you won't be your first priority anymore, and your baby/child will be tricky at times, no matter how calm/easy they are in general, is something to consider.

Yes. I have 3 dc. If you drew a line and told them not to step over it then they'd have different reactions.

Dc1: Would not go near the line in case they accidentally stepped over
Dc2: Would go and stand on the line so they weren't breaking the rule, but were as near to it as they could be. If they thought it would be worth it they'd be coming out with some reasons why they needed to go over it.
Dc3: Would wait until you were a safe distance away then run as hard as they could over the line to get as far across as possible.

None of them have been particularly hard teenagers, although dc2 has had their moments. They'd still now they are late teens/adults react in the same way to a line being drawn as they would as toddlers.
You learn to give instructions in the way they react best to.

I've know a few who have 2 the same

Well saying "Some kids are easy and some aren't" is a massive oversimplification.
Also, you definitely can't pretend that parenting doesn't have a huge impact.

There's some of both in the mix in all children, and, as some have said, many children can be really challenging at one age / stage but easy at a different one.
Then all of us as adults have different amounts of resilience. Different people cope differently with stress. Different people cope differently with a lack of sleep. People are also in different circumstances - parenting with two 'available' and hands on parents who are on the same page is very different from being on your own, or being in a toxic relationship or a 'relationship' where one parent checks out. Having family or good friends around to support you / be an extra pair of hands helps enormously. Having enough money to be able to have a cleaner or gardener or the money to replace a fridge when it breaks down or to not have to shop around for everything you buy makes everyone's lives easier - which helps a lot when you have dc.

So, yes, babies come with different personalities and needs, but there are lots of other factors at play too.

Im genuinely curious as to why you think this. I know 2 children they aren’t parented the same. How would I know if it was a nature or nurture thing. I don’t have siblings, I work in an office, with adults, I drive to work and generally avoid areas with kids.
I really don’t know when I’d have been exposed to this to learn?

Yes, some are. And I agree that every child is different, every human being is unique in their own way it's what makes them truly them.
My OH has a teenager who for a teenager is a breeze, always does what he's told, is polite and is just a bit sloppy with leaving cups about like any other teenager. He never backchats.
Our eldest daughter who is not yet a teen has got the attitude I'd expect a teen to have. Everything is unfair, but she does open up to us. She finds her siblings annoying and backchats like crazy.
Our youngest daughter has ASD, but is the most polite kid I've ever come across. Always please and thank you, but if her day doesn't go how the routine should she will get aggressive but that's down to her ASD.

I strongly believe parenting is a big aspect, but not the whole case. I think what kids see online, who they interact with at school and stuff like this always comes in to play.
The one thing I've told all of them is 'things can't be fixed unless you talk about them' and this means we're a really open convo home. The kids can come home and unload any problems they might have so they can just worry about being a kid, nothing else.